Wednesday, January 7, 2009

A bit of a meltdown, but feeling better

Yesterday I ate some crap. It wasn't the most food I've eaten, I don't think it could be classified as a binge calorie-wise, but the psychology behind it was definitely where I've been in the past when I've binged. I want to detail it because I looove to publicly humiliate myself!
No...wait...that's not why...
I want to detail it because I'm hoping to start having more success, and I'm certain that I'll have difficult moments again in the future, and I want to be able to look back at this entry and sucked but it doesn't have to become an out-of-control downward spiral because look! I climbed out of it! (that's the plan, anyways)

I posted yesterday about a healthy breakfast and feeling tired. I was having cravings. By the time I left work I was plotting a junk-food/Blockbuster run. And here's the run-down of me going to the 'bad place'.

1) I had a dvd to return to Blockbuster (season 1 of Weeds), but instead of going home to pick it up and then taking it with me to check out the next disc (season 2), I went straight to Blockbuster. I didn't go home first because I was worried about how much time I had before Ryan got home. I wanted to eat my junk and watch my junk in private. So - the secrecy is the 1st sign of Unhealthy Decision.

2) When I got to Kroger I went straight for the ice cream and sprinkles. Then I got a cupcake at the bakery section and filled a bag with a scoop of mini-M&Ms and a scoop of Reece's Pieces. The ice cream and sprinkles are no different nutritionally from the other stuff, but here's why one is okay with me and the other is a sign of certain doom.

When I got the ice cream I was thinking about what flavor Ryan would want - I was thinking of eating with him, not alone, so there were not going to be any obscene portions or hiding of evidence. Not the best food choice, maybe, but not something I'm worried about. When I got the cupcake I was thinking " this a wrapper I can stuff in the trash can and hide?", and "Should I get the cupcake with the plastic balloon decoration on top so it looks like I'm buying it for a good, celebratory reason and not just to pig out by myself?" and when I got to the candy bins I was thinking "How much of this did I eat last time when I felt so sick? Maybe (maybe!) I should get less this time.", and "Maybe I should just get a bag of fun-size chocolate things so it looks like I'm buying it for long term, for my kids at school, for a party, anything but for me alone."

3) I don't know how to describe this...but when I was on my way out I was weighing whether I had enough to take home with me....there was something odd about the way I was trying to make the decision about what 'enough' was. I'm still not sure how I decided it was....was it the time it would take me to eat? Was it how full or sick I'd feel afterwards? I don't know...just something off about making a decision about 'enough' that had nothing to do with health or balance. Plus I was again worrying about secret eating and dvd watching time and that motivated me to stop shopping.

When I got in the car, I opened my bag of M&Ms and Reece's Pieces and started eating - paranoid (bad sign #4) that the people in other cars were looking at me and thinking what an oinker I looked like!

When I got home I ate the cupcake, stuffed the wrapper and balloon decorations (yes, I bought that one) in the trash and then took out the trash because it was too full to conceal the evidence (very bad sign #5)

I finished the chocolate while watching my dvds and sank into the couch. When Ryan came home I was feeling off (hmmm...wonder why).... We had a healthy dinner of bean and veggie tacos and hung out for a while and everything was fine, but - long story short, he very reasonably and sweetly suggested that I help him clean up and get ready for bed so I could catch up on my sleep instead of watching my 3rd Weeds episode, and that somehow triggered a complete hysterical, crying, meltdown with me wailing incoherently about just wanting my free-time to do nothing before starting back with grad school Thursday (something I have huge anxiety about...for another post). So - I got that out of my system, sat outside for 10 minutes to cool off, went back in and apologized profusely for being psycho and thanked him for not throwing me in a cold shower.

And, I've felt better since. (except that I feel pretty bad about putting Ryan through that)
We had a good talk about how I've taken on too much and how I'm just going to try grad school this semester, but if I really can't do it and stay balanced after a month I'm going to drop a class and that's that.
I didn't even touch the ice cream or sprinkles.

In a very silly sign that I've been watching too much sports TV, I woke up with the song the NFL has in their commercials for fantasy league football - "You Had a Bad Day" - Daniel Powter (you know..."you had a bad day; you're taking one down; you sing a sad song just to turn it around") And decided to interpret that to mean that I had just had a bad day but shouldn't let it ruin the week - not that I need to turn the playoffs off this weekend.

Anywho...Today I've had a low-fat blueberry yogurt for breakfast and some leftover tofu, kale, rice and veggies stir fry with peanut sauce for lunch. I think I'm going to have a Clif bar now so I'm not too starving when I get home to exercise. The plan is to do my Cher step aerobics which is the most likely exercise to keep my mood up. That and to not take anything out on Ryan no matter what I feel like inside.

Oh - 1 more thing - my work started a biggest loser competition today so I signed up and weighed in with all my clothes, shoes, sweatshirt, jewelry, etc. on. I was at 168. Just one more incentive to keep pushing through.

UPDATE: I did have the Clif bar; I did my step aerobics video and a 10 minute abs; I had eggplant lightly breaded in Panko, steamed broccoli with lemon and parmesan, and cheese tortellini with pesto for dinner and about 1/2 a cup of part Chunky Monkey and part Cherry Garcia frozen yogurt for dessert. So - I feel pretty good about today and I'm going to go read a bit and get some sleep!


Olivia said...

Thank you for sharing these private moments with us. I know how hard that is. Yeah, so ya slipped.... we all do. The point is that you got right back up again and kicked some patootie!

I am proud of you gurl!

Anonymous said...

thanks for sharing- wow it seems like you have a lot on your plate. and it sounds like you have a very understanding husband (bf? sorry!) i've had very many similar thoughts that you shared. i hope you're able to look at this later and see how you were able to fight through it!

Rachel ! said...

Aww, I'm sorry to hear about your bad day. I had one of those yesterday - probably a bit milder, but feeling overwhelmingly hungry and having to drive all over town on snow & ice drove me bonkers. Tomorrow will be better.

Good luck with Biggest Loser! Update about it and I will check in on you :) How long does yours last? Mine is 10 weeks.

Anonymous said...

wow. your whole description of your binge? yeah, i totally could have written that. i always worry what the people in the checkout are going to think... i know that they will KNOW all that food is for me, and i hate it, but does that stop me from buying it? noooo. wow. people really can relate to me!

Rachel said...

Olivia - thanks!

followmyweigh - Ryan is my bf of 4 1/2 years - apparently we're too lazy to get married :) He is VERY understanding...and believe me, I KNOW how lucky I am to have him.

Rachel - I don't know how long it is...maybe through May? Duh...I'll find out :)

Laura - Yup...isn't that a great thing to be able to relate to each other about? :) Well...I meant that sarcastically, but it actually is comforting to me to know I'm not a complete freak!