on hold/holding on

I'm in the final few weeks of this semester. I'm sick again. I've been having anxiety spikes after cutting my meds for that in half. I'm having a super rough time with my final papers. I haven't been bingey, but haven't been great either and the only exercise I've been getting is through cleaning and walks.

I've made a decision. I swear I used to be able to multi-task, but the degree to which I keep getting derailed from my routine and goals this year and the frequency with which I'm getting sick is freaking me out. My body is clearly sending me messages that I need to simplify and prioritize. So, I'm putting grad school on hold indefinitely after I finish my final papers over the next 2 weeks.

I've known that I'm overwhelmed, run-down, stressed out and pretty much losing it for months now, and I finally decided that I couldn't just push through and ignore it. I sat down and thought hard about my priorities and what I want long and short term...what's really important and what I'm willing to sacrifice to get it.

What I came up with is this. My top three priorities are my kids at school, my health and my family, friends and daily life...like keeping organized, keeping the house clean - just the baseline things that are essential for me to have a reasonably happy existance that involves the people I love.
My fourth priority is my future growth in terms of education, career, and other development. This includes grad school, going for my NBTS certification, and other 'optional' things that I sometimes think are essential like spending time on crafts, learning new skills, etc.

What I realized is that I have been letting the thing that's fourth on my list of priorities prevent me from doing well the things that are in the top three. That's just silly. Doesn't make any sense at all.

So, until I feel that I'm doing my kids justice, my health is under control and my daily home and family life is supported by a stable, healthy routine, that 4th priority is going to have to wait.
It's a big load off to finally have made that decision. It's a difficult and emotional one for me since it's been so long in the making and I was so proud to finally be on my way to those goals after crashing and burning as an undergrad and gradually working my way back through straight A's in my first Master's and in my ESL certification. But I know by the sense of peace that I've had since I made that decision that it's the right one.

The next few weeks are going to be difficult and hectic while I finish this semester up, but as soon as it's through I have at least 3 months, even if I do decide to go back to UT in the fall, to focus on those priorities. With the summer off from work and school, 2 of those months will be without the daily work schedule. I, of course, will need to work to get ready for the next school year, but I won't have to be anywhere specific at any exact time to do that work.

I'm going to focus on diet, exercise, greening our lives (composting, gardening, making cleaning products, cooking from scratch, etc.), learning Spanish, reading some books on teaching reading and writing, making unit plans for next year, researching ways others school systems have improved ESL parent involvement, and reading, reading, reading. I'm really excited. This will be the first summer I've had completely off - no work, no school since I started teaching besides the summer my dad died which was, of course, hectic and un-relaxing in its own horrible way.

If I get rehired next year at the same school I've been at for the last 2 years (it's always up in the air with ESL) I'll be so thrilled. I drove by the site where they're rebuilding our school and it's an easy bike ride no more than a mile from my house. How awesome would that be to ride to and from work every day?! I'm so hoping that I get to go back there and really work on strengthening my ties with the parents and other teachers now that I'll have made the time to focus on that.

I'm so ready for this shift. It feels good to know I'm stopping fighting myself and starting to do what's simplest, healthiest and best for me right now. I just have to keep telling myself to push through these papers and that the sooner I finish them, the sooner I can get started on this new path. It's super difficult to push through when you're sick and burned out, but I know I can do it and it will be so worth it to get to this new place.

weekly prep

Ryan and I spent a lot of time this weekend going over 5 of our cookbooks, picking out recipes that sound good and planning for the week.

I'm going to take a cue from Toni at The Happy Housewife and plan dinners for the month ahead of time - not specifically what I'm going to eat everyday, but a list of meals that I will choose from at the beginning of each week. I love the simple food we eat, but it will be good for us to try new things. We're going to do this Monday through Friday because Ryan wants to leave room for spontaneity on the weekends and that's cool with me.

I'm still sticking with that general shell I talked about that serves as a guide for planning the nutritional content of the day. For example, before I planned the specifics for tomorrow I knew that I'd be having a smoothie for breakfast, a sandwich with some kind of bean spread and veggies for lunch, fruit and nuts for snack and a salad with tofu or tempeh and a grain for dinner.

I have my list divided into tempeh/tofu dishes, bean/legume dishes, and miscellaneous (grains, veggies, sides, soups without beans or tempeh, etc.) I don't have all the meals for this month chosen yet, but I do have this week planned. I'll post the 20 days of dinners when I can. We decided to make things easier that we would choose one grain for the week and make it on Sunday. This week I made 8 servings of quinoa for use in 3 recipes and to have plain with my salad tomorrow.

Breakfasts: fruit, yogurt, protein powder, flaxseed oil, E3Live and cran-water smoothies x2; greek yogurt with 1/4 c. Ezekiel flax cereal, banana and almonds x2; steel cut oats with apple, almond butter and cinnamon

Lunches: bagel, cheese, chick pea spread and veggie sandwich with raw veggies; leftover corn chowder and cold bean salad (from Sunday's dinner); leftover yeasty tofu, quinoa and veggie stir-fry (from Tuesday's planned dinner); leftover curried quinoa with peas, garbanzo beans and cashews with raw veggies (from Wednesday's dinner); salad with garbanzo beans

Snacks: apple or grapes & 1/2 oz. nuts x2; raw veggies & chick pea spread; light string cheese and light Wasa crackers; fruit alone

Dinners: salad with baked tempeh, sunflower seeds and veggies with quinoa x2; yeasty tofu, veggie and quinoa stir fry; curried quinoa with peas, garbanzo beans and cashews; spicy quinoa and potato croquettes with szechuan tofu triangles

Desserts: tea; hot cocoa; fruit and almond butter; fruit and tea; popcorn

I'm excited to start actually using my cookbooks, helping out in the kitchen and trying new things. I do want to track the nutritional info on these new things, but am entering the home stretch of this semester of grad school and will probably not have time to do much else than work on my research papers this week when I'm not at school.

Right now I need to get some readings done for tomorrow's class so I can get to bed!
I'm not ready for the week like I want to be, but at least my meals are packed for tomorrow, the laundry's done and put away and the house isn't a complete disaster zone.

Here's a few pics of prepping corn chowder, chick pea spread, baked tempeh and quinoa for the week.

Oh the horror of weigh day!

169.4 this morning. Yup...mmhmmm....sounds about right after last week. Even when I stopped binging on Friday I still ate crap.
Okay, then.

In other, better news, food for the day is packed and meals for the week are mostly planned. My work for the week (grad school) is NOT done, but I plan to take care of that today.
I made a sort of outline of meals that I'm going to try to stick with for at least a month...it doesn't tell me what specific dishes we're having, but has broader categories like 'bean soup' or 'tempeh/veggie dish'. It outlines the main nutritional components I should choose so I know that whatever specifics I choose at the beginning of the week I'll be on target for protein, fat, carbs, fruit, veggies, etc. Should be close on calories too without too much specific planning.

I made oatmeal, walnut, chocolate chip cookies last night (some with butterscotch) but sent 3/4 of them with Ryan to work.

Stayed up too late last night trying to choose a topic for my final papers (I'm choosing one topic for both classes so my research will overlap and be kinder with time demands on me), then trying to choose an article to represent that topic for the rest of the students in my Thursday class to read before then, then wrestling with the printer to scan it in so I could send it. I actually thought it would take me 15 minutes, but it wound up somehow taking 2 1/2 hours!

So, this morning I was all set to be early and now I'm late to my first day back at work after spring break.
Better get a move on.

I will be productive today!

Yesterday I took my anxiety meds as normal and was promptly knocked on my butt for 2 hours feeling horribly dizzy, tingly and nauseous. I had these symptoms when I first went on them almost a year ago, but they hadn't shown up in awhile - only if I don't eat before I take them. But yesterday I had that nice, big bowl of steel cut oats, apples and almond butter first...so it didn't make sense.
I'm trying to get my intake as clean as possible so I went off my allergy meds (haven't noticed much of a difference) and birth control pills (started Fertility Awareness Method) this week - one or the other of them must've been interacting with the anxiety pills in some way. I went off my asthma meds a couple months ago and haven't noticed a difference. My asthma has been really mild for years now and I don't have problems unless it's extremely hot or cold or I'm otherwise sick in a way that affects my lungs.
So - I called my doctor & cut my dose back, but in the meantime it seriously put a damper on my planned productive morning.

Today I got up at 5:15 with Ryan, made his lunch (since I made a mess in the kitchen, didn't clean up and didn't want him to have to deal with it), and now I'm going to have my tea and get right to work before I eat or take that pill.

Yesterday was the 3rd day of eating my pre-planned meals (seems longer) and it went well!
I'm still too high on fat and fiber...should've replaced my celery and guacamole snack with crackers or something...it's a funny dilemma to have, but as a vegetarian, trying to avoid going too low on calories and trying to eat fewer processed foods most of my choices are either higher in fat or fiber than I necessarily need. Hmmm....I have some low-fat string cheese...that might be a good option. Maybe more yogurt is in order, except I usually try to get the plain and add my own fruit and other toppings to stay away from the sugar in most fruit-flavored yogurts - so that makes it become more of a meal than a snack. I'll figure it out.

I needed to pick up my car from getting worked on, and Ryan wasn't going to get home before they closed. I didn't want to bother anyone else for a ride and I still needed to get in my exercise, so I walked! It took me an hour and 20 minutes, my pedometer says it was 9,550 steps and I think it was ~3.5 miles. It was sunny and windy and on a busy street, so it wasn't the most relaxing or enjoyable walk, but I'm really glad I did it.

Here's the journal:
Breakfast: 1/4 c. (dry) steel cut oats cooked with 1 apple; topped with cinnamon and 1 tbsp. almond butter
Lunch: salad with romaine, red cabbage, red pepper, carrots, cucumber, 2 tbsp. sunflower seeds, 1 tsp. olive oil, 1 tsp. flaxseed oil, 2 tbsp. balsamic vinegar and 1/2 serving of szechuan smoked sprouted tofu
Snack: 2 celery stalks; guacamole (1/2 avocado, lime juice, salt, garlic powder)
Dinner: gobbetti shaped whole wheat pasta (3/4 c. dry), 1/2 c. Amy's tomato basil pasta sauce, 3 Veggie Patch meatless meatballs, steamed broccoli (3/4 c.), lemon juice, 1 tbsp. parmesan cheese
Dessert: huge mug of hot chocolate (4 tsp. Green & Black's hot chocolate powder, 1 c. vanilla soy milk, filled the rest with hot water)

Totals:
1,426 calories
60 g. fat
172 g. carbs
58 g. protein
42 g. fiber
2,179 mg. sodium

Details:
Printable Nutrition Report

twitpics...again

Even though I had the real food right here in front of me I always liked seeing my meals pop up in picture form & for the world to see (theoretically) on this page, so I'm going to try that again.
I just posted my breakfast (a banana and a carton of strawberry yogurt), lunch (salad with lots of veggies and garbanzo beans - dressing is 1 tbsp. flaxseed oil, 1 tsp. olive oil and 2 tbsp. red wine vinegar), snack (apple and cashews - some of which may wind up in my salad), and my mulitvitamins.

I'm sort of cringing as I type this 'plan-for-the-day' because the way I am with my 'plans', I keep telling myself I should just post what I do instead of what I kind of think I'm maybe going to do.
But anyway, I'm going to try to write down what I eat and enter it into SparkPeople the next morning while I have my tea. (I drink a huge, 3 cup mug of tea every morning to get a jump on hydration, but it takes me awhile). And Ryan and I have made a committment to each other to, at minimum, go on a 20 minute walk around the neighborhood every day that I'm here in the evenings (i.e., not Monday or Thursday). I feel good this morning, so we'll see how it goes :)