on hold/holding on

I'm in the final few weeks of this semester. I'm sick again. I've been having anxiety spikes after cutting my meds for that in half. I'm having a super rough time with my final papers. I haven't been bingey, but haven't been great either and the only exercise I've been getting is through cleaning and walks.

I've made a decision. I swear I used to be able to multi-task, but the degree to which I keep getting derailed from my routine and goals this year and the frequency with which I'm getting sick is freaking me out. My body is clearly sending me messages that I need to simplify and prioritize. So, I'm putting grad school on hold indefinitely after I finish my final papers over the next 2 weeks.

I've known that I'm overwhelmed, run-down, stressed out and pretty much losing it for months now, and I finally decided that I couldn't just push through and ignore it. I sat down and thought hard about my priorities and what I want long and short term...what's really important and what I'm willing to sacrifice to get it.

What I came up with is this. My top three priorities are my kids at school, my health and my family, friends and daily life...like keeping organized, keeping the house clean - just the baseline things that are essential for me to have a reasonably happy existance that involves the people I love.
My fourth priority is my future growth in terms of education, career, and other development. This includes grad school, going for my NBTS certification, and other 'optional' things that I sometimes think are essential like spending time on crafts, learning new skills, etc.

What I realized is that I have been letting the thing that's fourth on my list of priorities prevent me from doing well the things that are in the top three. That's just silly. Doesn't make any sense at all.

So, until I feel that I'm doing my kids justice, my health is under control and my daily home and family life is supported by a stable, healthy routine, that 4th priority is going to have to wait.
It's a big load off to finally have made that decision. It's a difficult and emotional one for me since it's been so long in the making and I was so proud to finally be on my way to those goals after crashing and burning as an undergrad and gradually working my way back through straight A's in my first Master's and in my ESL certification. But I know by the sense of peace that I've had since I made that decision that it's the right one.

The next few weeks are going to be difficult and hectic while I finish this semester up, but as soon as it's through I have at least 3 months, even if I do decide to go back to UT in the fall, to focus on those priorities. With the summer off from work and school, 2 of those months will be without the daily work schedule. I, of course, will need to work to get ready for the next school year, but I won't have to be anywhere specific at any exact time to do that work.

I'm going to focus on diet, exercise, greening our lives (composting, gardening, making cleaning products, cooking from scratch, etc.), learning Spanish, reading some books on teaching reading and writing, making unit plans for next year, researching ways others school systems have improved ESL parent involvement, and reading, reading, reading. I'm really excited. This will be the first summer I've had completely off - no work, no school since I started teaching besides the summer my dad died which was, of course, hectic and un-relaxing in its own horrible way.

If I get rehired next year at the same school I've been at for the last 2 years (it's always up in the air with ESL) I'll be so thrilled. I drove by the site where they're rebuilding our school and it's an easy bike ride no more than a mile from my house. How awesome would that be to ride to and from work every day?! I'm so hoping that I get to go back there and really work on strengthening my ties with the parents and other teachers now that I'll have made the time to focus on that.

I'm so ready for this shift. It feels good to know I'm stopping fighting myself and starting to do what's simplest, healthiest and best for me right now. I just have to keep telling myself to push through these papers and that the sooner I finish them, the sooner I can get started on this new path. It's super difficult to push through when you're sick and burned out, but I know I can do it and it will be so worth it to get to this new place.

Oh the horror of weigh day!

169.4 this morning. Yup...mmhmmm....sounds about right after last week. Even when I stopped binging on Friday I still ate crap.
Okay, then.

In other, better news, food for the day is packed and meals for the week are mostly planned. My work for the week (grad school) is NOT done, but I plan to take care of that today.
I made a sort of outline of meals that I'm going to try to stick with for at least a month...it doesn't tell me what specific dishes we're having, but has broader categories like 'bean soup' or 'tempeh/veggie dish'. It outlines the main nutritional components I should choose so I know that whatever specifics I choose at the beginning of the week I'll be on target for protein, fat, carbs, fruit, veggies, etc. Should be close on calories too without too much specific planning.

I made oatmeal, walnut, chocolate chip cookies last night (some with butterscotch) but sent 3/4 of them with Ryan to work.

Stayed up too late last night trying to choose a topic for my final papers (I'm choosing one topic for both classes so my research will overlap and be kinder with time demands on me), then trying to choose an article to represent that topic for the rest of the students in my Thursday class to read before then, then wrestling with the printer to scan it in so I could send it. I actually thought it would take me 15 minutes, but it wound up somehow taking 2 1/2 hours!

So, this morning I was all set to be early and now I'm late to my first day back at work after spring break.
Better get a move on.

randomness

Yesterday - March 12 - Journal
Breakfast: smoothie with frozen raspberries and strawberries, 1 scoop vanilla protein powder, 1 tsp. flaxseed oil and 8 oz. diluted unsweetened cranberry juice (~1 part juice, 7 parts water)
Lunch: bagel sandwich with cheddar cheese, cream cheese, roasted red pepper hummus and TONS of veggies
Snack: apple (I packed almonds but they tasted off)
Dinner: salad with garbanzo beans and tons more veggies (cabbage, carrots, red pepper, cucumber and romaine); salad dressing with 2 tbsp. red wine vinegar, 2 tsp. olive oil and 2 tsp. flaxseed oil

I felt hungry and probably could've eaten more, but I get home late Thursdays and don't like eating late. I usually put yogurt in the smoothie, but we're out - I'd usually have more snack too.

We finished our standardized ESL tests at work! Yay! We're boxing them up and turning them in to central office today. This is exciting because 1) it's been going on for weeks, 2) the kids are extremely impatient and frustrated that I haven't been able to pull them, 3) it won't be hanging over our heads during spring break...which starts after school TODAY!!! :) Yay!

Bad news with one of our cars (the one Ryan drives) - it was rattling a little, so Ryan took it in to get an oil change and have the tires rotated...long story-short it needed $900 worth of work! Ug. That hurts. It was out of alignment and some tire rod had worn down and was almost broken. Then there was something cracked and leaking on the engine. And because it had been out of alignment 2 of the tires were worn down and needed to be replaced. Plus little things like the oil change and replacing the windshield wipers. The labor is the big part of it though. So - he has my car today while his is at the shop and I'm getting a ride in and back from work.
I'm due for my regular service at 120,000 miles - that's a big one too.
Good thing we just last week made a budget and talked about saving for car maintenance and repairs. We decided we'd each save $100 a month toward that so now we can just think of the repairs as coming from that and that we have $300 left for the remainder of the year for that car....although that's just a comfort for our heads because we hadn't actually had that plan in place for more than 1 week.

I was really stressed about class yesterday - I just feel lost, as I keep going on about. I don't know what it is about me, but if I don't understand something fundamental about an article I'm reading I have a really hard time feeling comfortable 'getting the gist of it' and moving on. It tears me up. I either figure it out or agonize. To make another long story short, my prof asked for my comments about something (there were only 2 of us in class, so there was a lot of pressure) and I didn't answer and instead got up my courage to say that I needed to ask some questions first - she thought they were really good questions and kept saying so and that she wasn't sure she could even answer them well - and she spent a pretty long time addressing them and talking about the fact that they are huge, long-standing issues in the field. I felt better after that because I realized that she didn't just sigh and ask me to talk to her after class or scold me or look down on me with her manner.
Hopefully I'll have a lot of time to study and work on that class over break. I just need to get through the semester - just to the end of April, I think.

I'm off to get ready for my last day before break! Happy Friday!

Still here & psycho-babble

Sorry to go MIA.
I'm still here, but trying to stay away from distractions right now. I'm having a hard time justifying blogging breaks because it always leads to a bunch of internet-related distractions. I have the attention span of a goldfish, apparently.

Grad school is crazy hard and busy this semester and I'm trying to make keeping up with that and not stressing myself out by getting behind higher on my list of priorities than this page for the time being.

When I was spending so much time planning and calculating and writing about my diet and exercise, (and got sick) during my detox week I got behind on my classwork.

I spent this week trying hard to get caught up and then work on the current stuff.
As of now, I'm finished with the backed up work, almost finished with the 1st readings of all my materials for the coming week, but still have work to do on a couple presentations and the 2nd pass through the readings to prepare for class discussions. My classes are tiny (one with 7 and one with 3 students), so I have to be prepared either to discuss meaningfully or look like an idiot.

I'm having a hard time balancing all the goals that I have for myself. They're pretty basic things, and I was not, in fact, raised by wolves, so I don't know why I can't just pull it together and do everything at once. But, the fact is that when I do well with preparing for work and school my house falls into a horrible, messy state, I slack on exercise and don't plan healthy meals.

When I do great with exercise and eat healthily and get to bed on time, I fall behind on work and school stuff.

If I manage to eat well, exercise, keep up with the house, get to bed on time and stay reasonably on pace with work and school, I can never get it to last and I wind up stretched too thin, anxious and neglectful of Ryan or any other social life, hobby, etc... And, honestly, the few times that's happened have been during weeks when we've had snow days or 3 day weekends or something.
You get the idea...

I know I'm taking on a lot, especially with my long commute to school, but I don't think it's more than I should be able to do. I just need to be able to work efficiently. Which, for me (don't mean to sound like a broken record) means taming this anxiety beast and chilling the *bleep* out!

I just haven't learned to juggle yet.

And I think it might take time.

I think I might have to work on keeping all my goals sort of in the back of my mind, but only focusing and really concentrating on and fully committing to a couple at a time and not trying to put so much pressure on myself to do everything at once.

I've realized that I have really pitiful self-confidence.
I try to take on a lot, and I probably am completely capable of doing all the things I want for myself, but somewhere, not so deep inside, I just don't believe I can pull it off. I did not have overly critical parents - not blaming them - but I've realized that I have a hard time believing that I'm able to be successful...as a teacher, student, professional, friend, girlfriend, healthy person, athletic person, cook....If I ever achieve any level of success, I always feel guilty and my mind goes to this place where I find an excuse for why it doesn't really count.

For example, it's been a long time since I've received a grade below an A but I attribute it to grade inflation as a general crisis in higher education.
My boss/college professor has made a few passing comments that involve her saying I'm 'brilliant' and I blush furiously certain that she's being sarcastic and poking fun at me.
I have a great relationship with Ryan, but attribute it to pure dumb luck and his phenomenally saintly character.
I know my kids are learning and I know they love me and I love them, but when I see gains I think "wow - they're so lucky I'm not their only teacher, I have someone else as a safety net in case I mess up"
Even though I used to cook up a storm in high school, I have such a silly lack of confidence in the kitchen that yesterday it completely blew my mind when I made a sandwich that turned out pretty great. Yes, a sandwich.

I think it was Scale Junkie who made a post about not believing that we can succeed...that the next moment of weakness/binge/whatever...is right around the corner - I totally relate.

I don't know where all this came from. I'd probably be a fun puzzle for a psychologist if I ever make the time to find one I can relate to. :)
I have a B.S. (appropriate letters) in psych, maybe I should explore the psych-stereotypes myself! ;)
Let's see....

Childhood: Did I belatedly crack from the pressure of being in 'accelerated programs' growing up?

Relationships: Was it the hellish, destructive (but not abusive) on and off and on and off relationship with my first boyfriend from age 16-24?

High school drama: (e.g. The best friend who fell in love with me and blamed me (plus turned half our friends against me) for not being a lesbian? (but failed to tell me why she and they were shunning me for 3 months after it started!))

Family: The loving but admittedly challenge-filled days of my depressed, self-destructive, alcoholic dad? His passing? Mom's co-dependence? Their divorce?

Body-issues: Being emotionally immature but highly physically 'developed' by the time I was in middle school and the harrassment I got from older men because of it? (had breast reduction when I got fed up after growing out of my DDDs at age 19 - wanted to get the surgery in while I was still covered on Dad's insurance)

Chemical imbalance/general craziness: Anxiety issues that kept me in my apartment and failing classes for long stretches of time as an undergrad....the shame of that and the bad grades that seemed to reflect on the quality of my brain, not the spiraling-out-of-control issues of a lost teen.

I'm of the philosophy that we all have crap to deal with, but that as an adult I have to take responsibility for my life as it is now and as I dream it could be - and not blame any current state on any other person or circumstance from my past. I don't think I'll be seeing a therapist anytime soon, but that kind of did help me get some things off my chest and realize that I need to be forgiving - there's a lot I haven't dealt with and I can't expect to be perfect overnight.

So - in the spirit of keeping things in perspective and focusing on small goals - I'm going to make this week's goals keeping ahead of school work and work-work, and preparing for the next day the night before (setting out lunches, clothes, etc.)

Thanks to anyone who's reading for being inspiring! I love reading all your posts even when I disappear.
Back to work!

Not a dropout

Wow - I don't know why, but I'm having a really great day! Not perfect diet-wise, but I've been happy and energetic and feeling healthy and strong from the moment I woke up this morning. It's freezing here - it was 5 degrees this morning and school was cancelled because of concern that kids wouldn't dress appropriately and it would be dangerous for them to wait for buses....it's Tennessee - we're not used to this kind of cold.

That means I get a 4 day weekend! Yay! It couldn't come at a better time. So, I could've slept in, but I couldn't wait to start the day.

I woke up, had my huge mug of tea, threw in a load of laundry and got ready for the gym (and I don't know WHY my twitpic of me going to the gym has to be cropped like that...not cute)

I got to the Y at 8 and went on this new Precor machine called the AMT that lets you do either an elliptical motion but with a really long stride if you want it or a stair climber motion. I stayed on for an hour doing a mix, and I feel like I really pushed myself in a good way. It was a nice feeling to take my heart rate and think - hmmmm...I really should slow that down. :)

Then I remembered that when I lived in Chicago I used to use the sauna at the gym as an incentive to work out. I LOVE the sauna. So I'd make a deal with myself that if I got there and did something for an hour that I could have time in the sauna.

So I decided to give that a try. I brought my book in from class and stayed in for 30 minutes.

I think I'll try that more often.

I got home at 10 and pretty much cleaned the house ALL day except for 50 min. when I watched last night's CSI. I had so much energy I did some of my chores (clutter, organizing, laundry, dusting, windex) and then decided to do Ryan's (kitchen, bathroom, vacuuming) so he wouldn't have to this weekend. He cooks dinner for us almost every night, so he really takes on more than I do.

Food-wise, I had that huge smoothie for breakfast when I got home from the gym. It's pretty heavy on the points because of the flaxseed oil, but I don't care - I think it's healthy. The cranberry juice is unsweetened, the protein powder is as natural as I could find (from the Fat Flush diet).

I had 3 100 calorie nutty bars, a bag of SmartFood cheddar popcorn and 2 handfuls of yogurt pretzels in the middle of the day which wasn't great, but it didn't really change my mood.

Before dinner I had some rice crackers, cashews and hummus. And for dinner I had pasta with pesto, veggies, vegetarian meatballs and a glass of white wine. I also remembered my multi and extra vitamin C. I didn't count points.

The snacking was about half an hour after I took my anxiety meds. I hadn't eaten before I took them and I got this funny, dizzy feeling and a surge of cravings. I don't know why, but it felt like it was connected to the meds....who knows...

In other news - I went to class last night and was able to read my articles before I got there and participate somewhat competently in class, and I made the decision not to drop out. It's a little intimidating because I'm the only non-PhD student there, but maybe the prof will take pity. I'm going to stick with these classes, do my best to stay ahead of schedule with my work, and just take it a semester at a time. Maybe that's why I felt good today. The decision had been weighing heavily on my mind.

I think that's all - Ryan and I are going to watch Wednesday's Top Chef now. I like my new DVR :) :)

What happened?!

That was crazy! For probably half an hour after work I was like a kitchen Tazmanian devil! Just a whirlwind through the fridge and pantry and it was over - I don't even know what happened - just a trail of wrappers in my wake and a dazed look on my face and I hadn't even felt like I'd been having cravings.
I was hungry and had too much of a headache to start my workout right away, so I ate my 2nd Clementine on the way home and then had a chocolate chip granola bar when I got home - that wouldn't have been bad at all, but then I had more rice crackers and hummus and about 20 barbeque chips..and then for some reason I made a bowl of ice cream - almost a cup with sprinkles and a Reece's PB cup. And it just kept snowballing - I had another granola bar, 2 mini candy canes, a truffle and 2 ginger chews. That really came out of nowhere.
The silver lining for me is that if I'd done that before I would've ruined my dinner as well, but yesterday I just had a bowl of coconut, lemongrass, tofu and veggie soup with broccoli and lemon and a ton of water.
I really felt the effects though - my anxiety skyrocketed and my concentration plummeted.
I need a plan the next time that happens. To have a cup of tea, chew gum and go for a walk maybe before I eat any more than I'd planned....

Oooookay....
So - breakfast, lunch, dinner and my first snack were great yesterday. I drank enough water. I ate my fruits and veggies. I took my multi. Can I just ignore the afternoon disaster?! No? It doesn't work like that?
Oh well - I guess today's a new day and hopefully a better one diet-wise.

School is already stressing me out! (grad school). I wish I hadn't signed up for classes this semester. I feel like if I didn't have a job and if I wasn't in grad school, that getting myself healthy could be a full time job - just learning new habits, going to counseling (which I never did after my dad died and know I still should), exercising, sleeping enough, learning new ways of thinking and organizing....yeah....I have a long way to go and that could, for sure, be a full-time job.
Of course teaching is more than a full time job.
So - I know I really shouldn't be taking on school now.
If I drop before Friday I can still get an 80% refund.
I'm going to do my readings for class today (7 articles), go to that class tomorrow and then see how I feel.
I'll update today's food journal tonight.

no snow day!

Oh man - I really wanted a snow day today. I shouldn't have had the ice cream so close to bedtime last night - I couldn't sleep, had 2 nightmares and then cycled through one of those weird dreams in which you think you're awake in your dream...doing mundane things....then you realize in your dream that you're dreaming and wake up and start doing more mundane morning things.....only you didn't really wake up you just thought you did...and it goes on and on...I don't know why, but I don't sleep well with those - very agitating. Then I was just up completely for an hour lying in bed before I got out of bed an was up for another hour. No fun. It was supposed to snow and then the forecast abruptly changed and...nothing. Sigh...

Today is the first day of my classes at UT-Knoxville - I'm getting permission to leave work/school early to go to grad school. It won't take away from the time I'd be with my kids - they're already on their way to buses when I'll be leaving, but I just won't stay until 3:15. I have an agreement to get to work school early in the morning and leave early for class on Mondays and Thursdays. I'm hoping we'll get out of class early since it's the first day, and I'll be home by 7:30.

Food-wise today's been fine so far. I had a low-fat raspberry yogurt for breakfast, this really yummy new Amy's frozen meal - tamale verde with cheese, rice and beans for lunch, and a few banana chips in between. I don't have anything else with me but a package of cheese crackers, more banana chips and 2 Clementines, so I'm going to eat those during my commute back and forth from Knoxville (it takes me an hour and 40 minutes to get to campus). It will be too late to eat when I get back, even if we're let out early, so that should be it. I'm never this bad with the veggies - I'll try to work on that tomorrow.

UPDATE: I emailed my prof for tonight's class (I know her from 2 classes last semester) to tell her I would be a little late and she replied that since she's just planning to hand out the syllabus and dismiss shortly after that, that I shouldn't make that long drive. She offered just to email it to me. So nice of her! So - plans have changed. I'll update the food journal tomorrow.