so-so

Yesterday was okay-ish...I mean - judging by very low standards (i.e. not stopping and buying my usual junk food at any store) it was better. Calorie-wise - better. Not super.
I had a banana and yogurt for breakfast.
I had a big salad with lots of veggies, garbanzo beans, ~1/8 cup of cashews and dressing with flaxseed oil, olive oil and red wine vinegar for lunch.
After school I made nachos....yeah - not so good. I also had a handful of Thai Kettle chips.
The nachos were made of 3 handfuls of corn chips (about a single layer of chips on a medium dinner plate), ~1/2 cup of black beans, cheese sprinkled on top (probably 1/4 c.) and salsa.
I totally skipped dinner but did have 2 squares of dark chocolate.
I really don't do well with afternoons, do I? :)

I know I don't deserve a pat on the back for not eating multiple candy bars, but I actually do feel a lot better this morning. I'm not in that sugar-hangover fog.
I'm still gnat-like in my ability to focus, though.

I was thinking of looking into books about sugar - like Sugar Busters, for example, and just reading about the ways in which it's harmful, why it's so addictive, etc. This sugar thing...obsession...fixation...whatever you want to call it, is a big part of my life and I really should learn more about it. At the very least, maybe it would help motivate (or guilt) me into making it easier to avoid. If I could just get this sugar habit licked, I think I'd have a really good foundation for a healthy lifestyle.

I love veggies. Broccoli and red cabbage are 2 of my favorite foods right up there with raspberries and chocolate. I love whole grains and always prefer them by taste & texture to white flour-based products. I love beans, tofu, low-fat yogurt, tempeh, fruit, nuts, etc....all the good stuff. I don't like fried foods or fast foods at all with the exception of Indian fried foods (pakora, samosas). I prefer to drink water and never have soda with the very, very occasional exception of a natural ginger brew. The only juice I drink is highly diluted unsweetened cranberry juice and the only 'teas' I drink are really just 'herbal infusions' (don't know if this is a good thing, but at the very least it's neutral - no caffeine, calories, etc.).

These habits aren't because I'm disciplined (obviously) - it's just the way my tastes naturally lean. If I don't descend into a sugary, bingey, state of zero control, I think I'd do alright. I don't have to learn to dress up or choke down healthy foods. I don't have to be taught about normal portions.
But that's the tricky part for a lot of people, right? Just tackling that one, huge, ugly demon.

If, in a moment of sugar-craving or too-hungry/low energy weakness, I were offered a plate of steamed veggies, tofu and rice OR a bowl of ice cream, I really think I'd go for option #1. Maybe the key is to just have those foods readily available to me because I know if I have to spend 45 minutes making it, I'll go for option #2 in a heartbeat.

I'll work on that this weekend and see if it helps. Maybe I do have some sense in me afterall!

Conquering Valentine's Day cravings

Just a quick sort of note to myself that I have been faced with diet-dangers all day long and have resisted all of them - so it IS possible, and it will get better if I chew gum, distract myself, think about how I'll feel if I give in and stay fueled with healthy foods.

This morning, on the way to work I stopped at CVS to get suckers for my kids and saw the Easter candy in the next section - I have a huge weakness for Cadbury Eggs and mini-chocoloate thingies...I don't know what they're called...the kind that look like robins' eggs with the candy shell. I saw them out of the corner of my eye and made myself look the other way, grab the suckers for my kids (which don't really tempt me) and head to the check-out.

At work, I found some Hershey's Kisses I had randomly stashed in a drawer (actually, one of my ever-watchful kiddies noticed them and said "Hey! You have candy in there!" :) It's one of those transparent rubbermaid drawers.
I would've given them out, but there were only 3 or 4 - not enough for everyone. So they stayed there and I didn't touch them.

Later in the afternoon (typical craving time), I remembered they were there and thought "oh - what could it hurt?" But knew the answer was that it could lead to a downward spiral and took out my snack to eat early instead (carrots, crackers and hummus). After that I didn't want the chocolate anymore.

Everyone had Valentine's Day parties and all day long I was offered cookies and cupcakes and things, but didn't take any. I finally accepted some to take home for Ryan, but feel like I have my cravings beat and am not going near them.

I am curious about one thing...I have one of those nauseating, throbbing headaches...and I wonder if that has to do with not giving into cravings...a sort of sweet-tooth withdrawal. I'm just curious if I would've had the 'bad' snacks earlier if I'd still have a headache.
Not going to test that out - just wondering...
Be back for weigh in tomorrow...I'm guessing it will be just about the weight I was at before I started the detox...oh well...

Before bed cravings update:
I had a moment of self-doubt when I almost thought that there was no way I'd be able to resist tempting sugary things (e.g. the Dove ice cream minis in my freezer right now). I just didn't believe in myself and I almost caved. (I'm starting to believe that most of the times I haven't been successful at dieting and other things in my life are due to my failure to believe in myself, actually) But I didn't give in. I ate a yummy, juicy, sweet orange instead with a cup of tangerine herbal tea. Cravings? Poof! Gone :) I need to remember these little successes so that I don't talk myself into a binge sometime in the future. Goodnight!

Not a dropout

Wow - I don't know why, but I'm having a really great day! Not perfect diet-wise, but I've been happy and energetic and feeling healthy and strong from the moment I woke up this morning. It's freezing here - it was 5 degrees this morning and school was cancelled because of concern that kids wouldn't dress appropriately and it would be dangerous for them to wait for buses....it's Tennessee - we're not used to this kind of cold.

That means I get a 4 day weekend! Yay! It couldn't come at a better time. So, I could've slept in, but I couldn't wait to start the day.

I woke up, had my huge mug of tea, threw in a load of laundry and got ready for the gym (and I don't know WHY my twitpic of me going to the gym has to be cropped like that...not cute)

I got to the Y at 8 and went on this new Precor machine called the AMT that lets you do either an elliptical motion but with a really long stride if you want it or a stair climber motion. I stayed on for an hour doing a mix, and I feel like I really pushed myself in a good way. It was a nice feeling to take my heart rate and think - hmmmm...I really should slow that down. :)

Then I remembered that when I lived in Chicago I used to use the sauna at the gym as an incentive to work out. I LOVE the sauna. So I'd make a deal with myself that if I got there and did something for an hour that I could have time in the sauna.

So I decided to give that a try. I brought my book in from class and stayed in for 30 minutes.

I think I'll try that more often.

I got home at 10 and pretty much cleaned the house ALL day except for 50 min. when I watched last night's CSI. I had so much energy I did some of my chores (clutter, organizing, laundry, dusting, windex) and then decided to do Ryan's (kitchen, bathroom, vacuuming) so he wouldn't have to this weekend. He cooks dinner for us almost every night, so he really takes on more than I do.

Food-wise, I had that huge smoothie for breakfast when I got home from the gym. It's pretty heavy on the points because of the flaxseed oil, but I don't care - I think it's healthy. The cranberry juice is unsweetened, the protein powder is as natural as I could find (from the Fat Flush diet).

I had 3 100 calorie nutty bars, a bag of SmartFood cheddar popcorn and 2 handfuls of yogurt pretzels in the middle of the day which wasn't great, but it didn't really change my mood.

Before dinner I had some rice crackers, cashews and hummus. And for dinner I had pasta with pesto, veggies, vegetarian meatballs and a glass of white wine. I also remembered my multi and extra vitamin C. I didn't count points.

The snacking was about half an hour after I took my anxiety meds. I hadn't eaten before I took them and I got this funny, dizzy feeling and a surge of cravings. I don't know why, but it felt like it was connected to the meds....who knows...

In other news - I went to class last night and was able to read my articles before I got there and participate somewhat competently in class, and I made the decision not to drop out. It's a little intimidating because I'm the only non-PhD student there, but maybe the prof will take pity. I'm going to stick with these classes, do my best to stay ahead of schedule with my work, and just take it a semester at a time. Maybe that's why I felt good today. The decision had been weighing heavily on my mind.

I think that's all - Ryan and I are going to watch Wednesday's Top Chef now. I like my new DVR :) :)

Shaky but trying

I was so tired this morning. I'm really going to have to get used to the alarm going off at 4:45. I can't go back to sleep, so I think I'll just get myself in bed to read ridiculously early - like 8:30. Because it's after noon and I'm still exhausted!
So far I had my multi-vitamin and big (3 c.) mug of lemon tea with a wheat free waffle, banana and 12 almonds (5.5 points) and recorded it at WW online's food tracker. I didn't leave myself time to make a salad so I grabbed an Amy's tofu lasagna and just finished that for lunch. (I have to check the points)
I'm still having cravings - I think it's linked to being tired.
I don't know how I'll do with them today, but whatever it is I'll post about it.
I have 2 goals for today - go to bed early because I will never get back on track this tired.
And exercise.
There's a lot of other stuff that I'd like to do...that I should do...but I'm trying to prioritize and set the bar a little low. Time to get back to work!

Weekends are tough!

Today I didn't get out to the park for my Sunday walk/jog in time to be back before noon football, so I had to push it to this afternoon. That's always dangerous for me. I don't like working out after I've eaten, so if I don't do it in the morning, it's hard for me to get motivated later. But I'm determined. So I stuck with it and got out for 1 of the 2 planned laps - a total of a little more than half an hour and ~4100 steps. I did my Denise Austin abs in the morning. So that's 43 minutes of exercise today - the 5th day in a row. Not bad!

Food today looked like this
Didn't eat until 11, so it wasn't really breakfast, but I had 2 clementines, 9 cashews and 3 Wasa light crackers with red pepper hummus (5 points)
Lunch - leftover vegetarian shepherd's pie and raw red cabbage (8 points)
Snack - apple with 2 tbsp organic crunchy peanut butter (6 points); later - light string cheese (1 point)
Dinner - 1 c. Wolfgang Puck hearty vegetable soup, 2 slices Ezekiel sesame toast with 2 tsp. olive oil, garlic powder and 1 tbsp. nutritional yeast (7 points)
Dessert - 1/2 c. vanilla bean ice cream, 4 squares Green & Black's chocolate and 3 mini candy canes crushed on the ice cream (6.5 points)

Total = 33.5 points - used all of my daily points plus 12.5 of my WPs; earned 3 APs

Again, I had the middle of the day cravings. They weren't there in the morning - I haven't had them for hours now...I just don't know what it is about me and the afternoon.

I have a busy week coming up. Finals are over, but I have a lot to catch up on at work. I'm being observed on Tuesday and before then I have to do a bunch of lessons and paperwork (this big form about my strengths and weaknesses and what I want to work on this year, a pre-observation form, etc...)
We have our work Christmas party Thursday evening and the kids have their program that day too. I'm going to do my holiday fun stuff with them on Wednesday and Friday is a half day before winter break. So Monday and Tuesday are the only days I can hope to get any work done with the kids. Since Ryan and I are going to Chicago for the holidays with my family, we're still trying to figure out when we can celebrate with his family. We want to do it the weekend after New Years so that we have time to shop the after-Christmas sales in Chicago, plan some fun raw recipes and decorate the house. His mom wants to come up this next weekend. She said she doesn't know what her plans are yet for the weekend we want to have them, so she'll get back to me sometime this week to let me know if they're coming. Now...I love his family, but my family and I are just much bigger on the whole planning ahead thing. So if they might be coming this weekend, that means I have to plan as if they are, otherwise I'll freak out if they tell me the day before....ug....

So this week should be busy but fun. I'm just going to try to stay positive, think about small momentary decisions and have fun. I'm hoping to lose at least 2 1/2 pounds this week. I'm not going to plan to lose over Christmas, so I want to try extra hard this week to get a jump on it.


Oh for heaven's......Rod Blagojevich just hired R. Kelly's lawyer. I'm so embarrassed to be from Chicago...honestly...what an idiot! I heard Jessee Jackson Jr. speak once and loved him instantly. I really hope he's innocent in all this.

Holding Steady

Well - 3 days down, how long to go until healthy choices feel natural and effortless? I remember hearing that it takes 2 weeks to make a new habit stick, but I've been 'on plan' for 2 weeks plenty of times in the past and...here I am...still battling. I guess it will always take effort, but maybe less and less?

I did fine today, but I had to battle hard through some tough cravings. I had a Van's wheat free flax waffle with a small banana and 12 almonds chopped up on top for breakfast (5.5 points). As always, I felt good after breakfast. I got a bunch of cleaning done - no cravings. I did a Denise Austin yoga abs 10 minute workout.
Then I had a great zucchini and garlic stir fry that Ryan made with that Soy Vey island teriyaki sauce and thai peanut baked tofu and 3 steamed veggie pot stickers for lunch (12.5 points). Kinda big lunch, but pretty healthy. Cravings started pretty much right away after I finished eating. I tried to focus on them - decode them. Part of me thought I was still hungry, and part of me couldn't tell what I was feeling. I knew where the feeling was - stomach area - but I didn't know what it was. It was a little disconcerting to honestly not know if I was hungry or not.

So, I drank an Emergen-C, snacked on 8 cashews (2.5 points), chewed some gum and did a little more cleaning. When I didn't feel better after an hour, I took a 45 minute nap, then got up and went out for a 50 min. walk with Ryan right away (because we were losing sunlight). And then I felt great! Stalling snacking is really important for me. If I give into the cravings there will be a snowball effect. If I can just put them off I usually do okay. Distractions (sometimes being unconscious for 45 minutes!) are key.

I had Ryan's shepherd's pie again for dinner and a salad with olive and flaxseed oils (1 tsp. each) and a tbsp. of balsamic vinegar (10 points). For dessert I had a cup of hot cocoa with 3 mini candy canes (4 points) while we watched Polar Express (which I really did not enjoy all that much surprisingly). The cocoa was a little too heavy for me, so I think if I make it again I might use 1/2 a package.
I wound up eating 34.5 points (My daily is 21). I hit all my Good Health Guidelines except for the dairy. I used 13.5 WPs. Tomorrow is the last day of my WW week and I still have 9.5 WPs, and after I work out tomorrow I should have 14 APs, so there's no way I'll go over. Tomorrow's weigh day. I'll check in with the progress. I don't care what the number is as long as it's down from last week's 166.8

beating the afternoon slump

I decided that since I keep falling apart healthy lifestyle-wise in the afternoon that I should pay really close attention to what was happening in my mind and see if I could just focus on small moment to moment choices to beat the PM cravings, and then write it all down to see if that would help me in the future.
I noticed that I started to feel the first hints of cravings pretty early. I finished my lunch -Amy's black eyed peas, rice and veggie bowl and I wasn't hungry, but I was craving something sweet.
I had classes to teach all afternoon, of course, so I didn't have any opportunity to run out and get snacks. I decided that I was going to exercise when I got home. Iniside my head I was thinking 'but I'm so tiiiiiired' and 'I dont' waaaaaanna' (whine whine).

Earlier I posted today about being motivated by health scares, my upcoming Dr.'s appointment and Christmas with my family. And I have to say...when I was feeling iffy about exercise and wanted to just stop and get a bag of M&Ms or something equally unhelpful, my health didn't seem like a big motivator (it's so intangible...seems like I could 'start tomorrow' and that wouldn't make a big difference), and if it was just the idea of being fat when I see my family, that's nothing new and I don't know that it would've helped me push through either. But the idea of seeing my doctor having gained the weight I'd lost really pushed me. Maybe because she's not a friend or family member...I don't know. Maybe it's because it goes on my patient file...my 'PERMANENT RECORD'. Ah! But the part of my brain that kept reminding me about that appointment seemed to work.

When I got home, I wanted to take a nap, but I knew when I woke up I'd need to eat and then I wouldn't be able to work out for a while...which means I probably wouldn't at all. So I changed into my workout clothes. Then Ryan came home and he wanted to return our movies from Blockbuster online to the store to exchange them for others. He just finished finals today and needed a break. I hadn't finished watching one of them, so instead of working out right way I told him we could finish watching it together. We did and half an hour later, I really didn't feel like working out.

I didn't give up though - the voice in my head kept nagging and yelling.
I argued back that I would just put on music and clean the house - trying to convince myself that that would be enough activity. But I knew it wasn't really the goal Id' set, so I compromised (with myself) and put the music on while I jumped rope. Jump roping is hard! I went in spurts (jumping then walking and dancing) for 15 minutes and then my mom called. We talked for almost an hour and normally I'd give up my exercise after getting sidetracked that long, but I didn't. I went for 15 minutes more, then did a 10 minute abs workout, entered the update on my exercise ticker, and felt really good about it. I like to see my little runner move on down the street.

I had a healthy dinner - butternut squash soup, broccoli with lemon and 1 tbsp. cheese and a slice of Great Harvest Dakota bread (the multi-grain kind with seeds), some olive oil and nutritional yeast. I had ice cream for dessert, but I feel okay about that because it was a reasonable portion and it was at dessert-time - not a binge - not all day. Baby steps.
I could've had more...I could always have more Ben & Jerry's Karamel Sutra. But I decided to chew a stick of gum instead. Problem solved.
And now I feel satisfied and proud of myself. I think I can build on this little bit of momentum.
And I think blogging about it will help me, when I look back on it, to know that it's possible to push through cravings and to make good choices - that I really will be glad at the end of the day.

I also logged onto my Weight Watchers account for the first time in a few weeks and entered my weight from last Saturday. I entered my points and activity. In addition to my lunch and dinner (above) I had a package (2 bars) of Nature's Valley peanut butter granola bars. And I had a bit of roasted red pepper hummus and Lite Wasa crackers (6) while watching the movie.
All in all not too bad. I'm allowed 21 points per day. I added 4 activity points and ate 33 points. (that 'reasonably sized' dessert was 11.5 points...I don't even want to know how many points what I would normally eat would add up to....yeah.....not good) So I dipped into 8 of my weekly points. I don't care. I tracked. I was honest. I tried. I feel alright.