on hold/holding on

I'm in the final few weeks of this semester. I'm sick again. I've been having anxiety spikes after cutting my meds for that in half. I'm having a super rough time with my final papers. I haven't been bingey, but haven't been great either and the only exercise I've been getting is through cleaning and walks.

I've made a decision. I swear I used to be able to multi-task, but the degree to which I keep getting derailed from my routine and goals this year and the frequency with which I'm getting sick is freaking me out. My body is clearly sending me messages that I need to simplify and prioritize. So, I'm putting grad school on hold indefinitely after I finish my final papers over the next 2 weeks.

I've known that I'm overwhelmed, run-down, stressed out and pretty much losing it for months now, and I finally decided that I couldn't just push through and ignore it. I sat down and thought hard about my priorities and what I want long and short term...what's really important and what I'm willing to sacrifice to get it.

What I came up with is this. My top three priorities are my kids at school, my health and my family, friends and daily life...like keeping organized, keeping the house clean - just the baseline things that are essential for me to have a reasonably happy existance that involves the people I love.
My fourth priority is my future growth in terms of education, career, and other development. This includes grad school, going for my NBTS certification, and other 'optional' things that I sometimes think are essential like spending time on crafts, learning new skills, etc.

What I realized is that I have been letting the thing that's fourth on my list of priorities prevent me from doing well the things that are in the top three. That's just silly. Doesn't make any sense at all.

So, until I feel that I'm doing my kids justice, my health is under control and my daily home and family life is supported by a stable, healthy routine, that 4th priority is going to have to wait.
It's a big load off to finally have made that decision. It's a difficult and emotional one for me since it's been so long in the making and I was so proud to finally be on my way to those goals after crashing and burning as an undergrad and gradually working my way back through straight A's in my first Master's and in my ESL certification. But I know by the sense of peace that I've had since I made that decision that it's the right one.

The next few weeks are going to be difficult and hectic while I finish this semester up, but as soon as it's through I have at least 3 months, even if I do decide to go back to UT in the fall, to focus on those priorities. With the summer off from work and school, 2 of those months will be without the daily work schedule. I, of course, will need to work to get ready for the next school year, but I won't have to be anywhere specific at any exact time to do that work.

I'm going to focus on diet, exercise, greening our lives (composting, gardening, making cleaning products, cooking from scratch, etc.), learning Spanish, reading some books on teaching reading and writing, making unit plans for next year, researching ways others school systems have improved ESL parent involvement, and reading, reading, reading. I'm really excited. This will be the first summer I've had completely off - no work, no school since I started teaching besides the summer my dad died which was, of course, hectic and un-relaxing in its own horrible way.

If I get rehired next year at the same school I've been at for the last 2 years (it's always up in the air with ESL) I'll be so thrilled. I drove by the site where they're rebuilding our school and it's an easy bike ride no more than a mile from my house. How awesome would that be to ride to and from work every day?! I'm so hoping that I get to go back there and really work on strengthening my ties with the parents and other teachers now that I'll have made the time to focus on that.

I'm so ready for this shift. It feels good to know I'm stopping fighting myself and starting to do what's simplest, healthiest and best for me right now. I just have to keep telling myself to push through these papers and that the sooner I finish them, the sooner I can get started on this new path. It's super difficult to push through when you're sick and burned out, but I know I can do it and it will be so worth it to get to this new place.

better without sugar

I'm back at work and feeling relatively healthy! Luckily, since yesterday was a county-wide sick day, I didn't have to take any days off work.
I've been off sugar again since I got sick - today is the 5th day. I feel a lot better without sugar. I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I had a little, but if I had a little it would probably snow ball into a lot - I don't have a great track record there. I'm not having cravings....just commenting.

Yesterday I went to class and cleaned when I got home until after midnight. It felt great to make a dent in the disaster area that is my house.
We're having a hard time keeping up with chores with me always sick or recovering from being sick or scrambling to make up work that wasn't done when I was sick (or wasn't done because I didn't get it done) in time for a deadline. Ryan's exhausted from his hour and 15 minute drive to and from his internship everyday. Plus it's hard for him to get motivated to do his half of the chores when I'm not doing my half. Sometimes that irks me - like on Sunday when I woke up after a marathon 11 hour fever-filled night of sleep to see that Ryan was still there beside me. It makes me feel like 'mom'. Like, if I don't get up and set an example, no matter what the differences in our circumstances are, nothing will get done. I'm not saying I don't appreciate him or everything he does (like cooking, etc.), because I am extremely grateful for him, but I don't want to be mom. So I'm just going to try to get the rest of the cleaning finished this afternoon and then we'll just have regular chores to keep up with everyday. At this point it doesn't matter who does what - I just don't want it hanging over my head.

Eating has been fine since I haven't been allowing myself sugar. Of course, those days of not being able to swallow anything but soup helped keep the calories low too.

Today, so far, I've had an apple for breakfast and a bowl of brown rice, steamed veggies, teriyaki tempeh and cashews for lunch.
For dinner I'm going to see if our leftover lasagna is still good and have that if it is. If not, I'll have leftover tortellini with pesto or a veggie burger. I haven't decided.

For exercise...last week Ryan and I made that commitment to walk at least 20 minutes a day together, and for the days I've been home we've done well. Even on the really sick days we took a leisurely stroll around the block. If it's not raining we have a walking date today.
I haven't been counting calories or sticking to any plan, but I feel really good right now and think I'm going to just try to keep up with no sugar and 20 minute walks (as min. exercise standard) for now.

this is ridiculous

Well - I can't believe it but I have strep again. This has been the worst year for illness in our county. Schools were actually closed Friday and will be again Monday because of it.
I've definitely been sick more than anyone, but I'm never alone with it - someone always has something - or more like a dozen 'someones'.
It's hard not to feel guilty and stupid over it. I'm such a worrier. Ug.
I have so much work to do, but I'm not sure how I'm going to - My heartrate's been hovering around 120 lying down for awhile now, so all I really want to do is lie as still as possible and try to lower it. I guess elevated heartrates are normal with fever and pain but it freaks me out!
Well...guess I'm off to the couch.
Meh.

Wed. food journal

Trying to keep this simple & short right now but still have a record of health and diet...

Breakfast: rice cake and almond butter
Lunch and mid-day snacking: granola bar, banana and strawberries, 1 handful barbeque chips and 1 handful of pita chips with hummus (that's what happens when I don't pack a lunch)
Snack: Cadbury Egg and Reece's Pieces (1 package)
Dinner: leftover tortellini with pesto and parmesan
Snack: later when Ryan came home I had some steamed broccoli w/lemon and a bite of his mac and cheese plus a bite of his eggroll

To me, this is a perfect example of a day without planning ahead. This is nothing like a bingey day, but definitely could be a lot better.

I went to my doctor today and she said I have a sinus infection and gave me a shot of antibiotics and a shot of steroids (one in each side of my hips - ouch!)
She wrote me a prescription for some heavy-duty cough medicine with hydrocodone in it for my cough, but it was $75 so I just took some Robitussin DM instead (pretty gross).
She also recommended this fizzy thing that disolves in the shower...Suda Care Shower Soothers or something
And she recommended this solution to use with a squeeze bottle or Neti Pot for clearing out my nasal passage - it's called Sinus Rinse. I used it and didn't mind it. It didn't have that nasty feeling that nasal sprays usually do - very gentle. Pretty gross what comes out though, but I guess it's better out than in.
She said I should keep taking my sudafed and advil and my allergy pill and my guifenemine (probably didn't spell that right - generic Musinex) so I just took all that and am off to bed very hopeful that I'll feel better soon :)
Somewhere in the back of my head I remember being a person who was careful about taking too many meds...hmmm....wonder where she went?

Tues. food journal

Quick entry for food journal today.
I'm still trying to get so much work done before we go out of town on Friday. I'm going to have to bring some with, but hopefully it won't be too bad.
Still sick - I made a doctor's appointment for during my lunch today. But I am feeling a little better this morning. I only had 2 or 3 bad coughing fits in the night and got a lot more sleep than yesterday. The funny thing is, yesterday at work I was so miserable, but I felt better pretty soon after I got home. I think it makes a big difference just getting to lie down and have a cup of tea. At work, if I talk too much (which is hard to avoid) or walk or climb stairs my throat and lungs were burning like I was in a sauna, but not as fun. So...my (very small) dilemma is - if I'm at home, I feel sick but well enough to get through the day at work. But if I'm at work and using energy, I feel like I'm not being productive enough and that I should've stayed home.
I could totally do the work we're doing this week (inventories for the ESL standardized test) at home, but unfortunately I don't have the kind of job that lets me make that judgment call and trusts me to work here.
So - I'm going to work, then to the doctor and depending on how I feel mid-day I'm considering taking a half-day. We'll see.

Here's what I ate - my appetite was nonexistant in the earlier part of the day so I just sort of snacked. But when I got home I wanted warm food and made a fairly big early dinner.

Breakfast: blueberry crisp Clif Bar
Lunch: banana
Snack: ~4-5 pita chips; handful of cashews (~12)
Dinner: bowl of cheese tortellini with pesto, 3 veggie meatballs, and broccoli w/lemon and parmesan
Snack: 1 small ginger lemon cookie

It's early

Well, I'm sick. Blech.
No pinkeye - I think that was just from allergies or getting a cold or whatever this is that's keeping me up.
It's 2:30 AM or some nonsense and I've just been sniffling and hacking and coughing next to Ryan and I feel bad that he's probably not sleeping much, so I thought I'd get up, drink some tea and post my food journal from yesterday. My lungs are much happier with me vertical.
I think I have a cold, but yesterday I glared suspiciously all day at all the mold on the pipe coverings in my classroom...I also found out that "they" gave us 16 months in the school - something about how any longer in there wouldn't be safe. This is our 2nd year there, so I guess we're on about month 14 (?) not counting breaks. Hopefully that 16 months # was an overly conservative estimate. Soooo...I actually hope I have a cold and all this constantly getting sick this year isn't because of that building.

Anyway...yesterday wasn't too awesome on the food front...could've been worse.
Breakfast: banana
Lunch: Amy's veggie & bean burrito
Snack: half a Clif Bar (oatmeal raisin)
Random, pointless grazing at school: 3 biscuits (little chocolate cookies), & 4 Hershey's kisses
Snack: (in car on the way to class)~1/4 of a bagel sandwich with cheese, hummus, lettuce and cucumber
Snack: (before & after PM class) raw cabbage, cucumber and carrots; 2nd half of the Clif Bar

Guess that's all for now.

Ewwwww

I may have pinkeye.....sooooo gross! Not an attractive post - don't read this if you'll be disgusted with eye details, okay? Okay.
I'm not sure - it's not bad. I was extra goopy when I woke up, but not stuck closed. I'm blodshot on one side, but not totally pink. Yesterday I was super itchy and cruddy in my eye...
I had trouble studying because it's in my right eye and it was making it hard to see out of that eye. I have good vision in my right eye and that's the only reason I don't wear glasses - that eye takes over - if I close my right eye I can't see well enough to read without a lot of strain.

I read about it on WebMd and it said it can be the super-contagious if it's viral or bacterial, but can also be caused by allergies. My sore throat is actually better, but I've had a cough and conjestion and been very sneezy for a few days....could be a cold. I also have allergies - so - could be no big deal. I am at higher risk than most because I work in a cess pool...I mean a school.
It's Sunday, so my Dr.'s not in her office . I'm torn about whether I should just wait and see if it's allergy-related and gets better or if I should go in and be seen in case I need to wait 24 hours until I can go back in to work - I'd rather not take a sick day over this.

The Pre-K assistant who works in the room next door to me said that the doctor she goes to sees about 8 other teachers from my school - and says that they all go to him with the same symptoms. He thinks it's connected to the building we work in - he thinks the building is making us sick. There's visible mold on some of the ceiling pipes. The building is OLD - maybe 90 years? And it's been condemned. But I'd assumed it was safe for us to use it after our old school had a fire the spring before I came here. Can a building be un-condemned?! All I know is what I can see - which is super shady floors that feel like they're about to break through when you walk on them and windows that have quite noticable drafts rushing through them...plus the crap on the pipes....
I don't know, but it would be interesting to see if we have a higher rate of being sick than teachers and kids at other schools - if our allergies are worse - if we're out for more sick days/absences, etc.

Anyway...enough rambling.
Yesterday wasn't great for my diet, but here it is.

- I had an apple for breakfast.
- I was still starving mid-morning so I had a slice of Ezekiel bread with 1 tsp. olive oil and nutritional yeast for a snack.
- We went to Indian Buffet for lunch and I filled up my plate once but didn't go back. I had a cold chick pea/apple salad, rice and 2 triangles of naan with a scoop of a lentil dish (dal makhani, I think), a scoop of a potato dish (it was new....just potatoes and seasoning) and a scoop of a spinach dish (saag...umm...i don't know). I also had chutney and a few onion pakora.
- Later I stopped at Walgreens for Kleenex and Valentine's Day cards and got 2 Cadbury Eggs, a marzipan chocolate piece and an almond chocolate bar - and ate them all that afternoon. So much for my resisting cravings post.
- I was obviously stuffed after that so I didn't eat anything else for the rest of the day except some baby carrots.
Forgot my multi.
Drank plenty of water.

Ryan bought himself some cheap golf clubs at Walmart and went out to play yesterday. I felt bad about not going with him because it was Valentine's Day, but I was trying (and miserably failing) to get my work done. He was romantic and said that everyday was Valentine's Day and we could plan as if it were February 14th any day I wanted. Or everyday. He's a keeper. ;)
I'm going to try to read about 10 pages in my text (which will literally take me an hour if I stay focused...pathetic) and then take my laptop out and at least ride on the golf cart with him while I work. (he wants to go out again today).

Wish we had President's Day off so I could relax about the work, but we used too many snow days and the board voted to make it an attendance day...no biggie, really, but I feel bad if anyone had made 3 day Valentine's Day weekend plans in advance and had to cancel or take a personal day.

Alright - I'd better get movin'!

Detox - Day 6

Just a quick update.
I was feeling so sick yesterday. I went to work, but struggled through. I tried to make myself eat, and eat healthy things, but it was a struggle and I got less than 1,000 calories. Also, I wasn't able to work out for the 2nd day in a row.
So - take this with a grain of salt, but I was down another 0.8 lbs today to 161.2, which brings my total loss since the 'official' weigh-day last Saturday to 6.4 lbs.

For breakfast, I had an orange.
For lunch, I had leftover split pea soup with coconut milk.
For snack I had 3 stalks of celery with 1 tbsp. peanut butter.
For dinner I had sweet potato fries (made with 1/2 sweet potato and 1/2 tbsp. olive oil), 1.5 c. broccoli, 1/3 c. homemade hummus (chickpeas, tahini, lemon juice, garlic), and 15 sesame rice crackers

Total Calories: 962
Total Fat: 47g
Total Carbs: 123
Total Protein: 29g
Total Fiber: 28g
Total Sodium: 1,278 mg

Total WW Points: 21.5

I'm slightly concerned that I could eat this few calories and still be 0.5 above my daily allowance - I know I'm not including WPs or APs, but still...what if I decided, as some do, that I wanted to save those WPs and APs for a special weekend day...that means I could eat fewer than 1,000 calories all week long and have that be 'legal'? A little odd. I guess it's not a perfect science - just guidelines. But for now I'm going to keep checking calories, etc. in addition to points

Detox - Day 5

Down 1.4 lbs this morning to 162.2 - so I lost the 0.4 the scale showed yesterday plus another pound. And that means I'm 0.6 past my original goal for Saturday! Yay! That's a total of 5.6 gone.

I've been feeling really sick, though. At first I thought it could be the detox, but it's probably more likely that I've caught something from one of the kids at school. We were out for a snow day yesterday, but Monday and Tuesday a bunch of the 4th grade was gone because of a stomach virus. 4th grade is on the 2nd floor and my room is in the basement, and the rooms of most of my kids are on the 1st floor - so I don't have that much contact with 4th grade except for 1 class. One boy, actually - I used to have 3 fourth graders, but 1 is out with pink eye and one just moved, so he's all I've seen this week.
The 1st and 2nd graders, which are most of my students, have had sore throats and sniffly noses.
Also, Ryan says strep is going around his office. He hardly ever catches anything. I, on the other hand, catch everything. That's a big part of the reason I'm doing this detox and trying to start making the healthiest choices I can.

Yesterday and this morning, I've had a fever around 101.5 (As best I can tell...the thermometer needs a new battery), a sore throat, a headache and stomach cramping but nothing beyond that. Plus, I had the most difficult time concentrating yesterday. I only got through about 50 of 150 pages I needed to read. Oh well. I did my best. I'm just useless when I'm sick.

I didn't post any pics yesterday. I took one - of my lunch, and I'll post that now. Here's what I had the whole day.

Breakfast
2 rice cakes
2 tbsp. almond butter
1 apple

354 cal.
7.5 pts.

Lunch
leftover tofu & veggie roast with 4 leaves of kale (~1.5 cups)

619 cal.
10.5 pts.

Dinner
leftover light split pea soup with ~0.4 cups of coconut milk

284 cal.
9.5 pts.

Snacks
1 large orange
10 sesame rice crackers

167 cal.
3 pts.

Totals: actual/goal

Calories: 1,424/1,200-1,550
Fat: 67g/32-56g
Carbs: 187g/163-236g
Protein: 44g/60-127g
Fiber: 31g/25-35g
Sodium: 1,498mg/0-2,300mg

WW Points: 30.5 (used 9.5 WPs)

Overall - not a bad day. Too much fat, not enough protein, but it's okay.

I did notice that when I entered my lunch into WW online just by calories, fat and fiber, it told me it was 14 points - but when I thought that sounded high and went back to enter each ingredient separately, it changed to 10.5 points...hmmmm....just something to think about.

No exercise - I had 45 min. on the elliptical and 20 min in the sauna scheduled, but wasn't feeling up to it.

That's all!
School is delayed 2 hours because of ice on the roads. I'll probably go in, but I haven't decided for sure. I just feel very weird and feverish and crampy and weak. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to drive the hour and 40 minutes to Knoxville and back for class this afternoon, but we'll see. Hope everyone's feeling well :)

Winter Break

Today was the last day of school before 2 weeks of winter break. About a week of that will be filled with holiday stuff and traveling, but we're going to try to make the most of the little time that we do have at home. We made a list of things we'd like to check out around town - since we've lived here we've done little but go to work and school and haven't given our little town much of a chance...so we're going to try to have fun locally as much as we can. I think breaks are so much less rejuvenating and they go by so much more quickly if they're not filled with fun, new activities. If we just sit around and watch movies and do the same old, same old, then break will fly by and we won't know where it went. In the past I've sat out of a lot of opportunities to try new things because of my body image. My body image is no better now, and my weight is actually much higher than most of those times in the past, but I'm just not going to do that anymore...er...I'm going to TRY not to. I want to be productive - review school stuff, do my lesson plans, keep the house clean, stay on the healthy eating and exercise plan...But also try new things and have fun. That's the goal. We'll go hiking in some parks we've never been to, visit local shops, maybe go out to hear some music, try some new recipes, whatever seems good at the time.

I think I'm going to finish Christmas shopping tomorrow. We went to a local winery we'd never been to before today and got some gorgeous pottery and a few bottles of wine for some gifts. We also went to a local jewelry shop that had amazing stuff and got a few more things. Most of our shopping was done online and shipped to Chicago where we're spending Christmas. Tomorrow we need to get some truffles at a local Nashville chocolate shop we love (The Cocoa Tree), and a few other miscellaneous things. But we've definitely got it all under control. Ryan and I are going pretty small with each other because we want to buy a flat screen TV. My mom is very generously helping us pay for it, but it's still going to be an expense for us. I hope he won't be disappointed with what I got him. I'm not going to say any more about specifics in case he reads this and I don't know it :)

So - I'm feeling much better today. I woke up this morning and swallowed! That may not seem like a big deal, but when you've spent the week feeling like you have a slimey pine cone lodged in your throat, swallowing relatively pain free is pretty awesome! I still didn't eat much compared to normal and didn't exercise. I'm hoping to feel all back to normal sometime this weekend and get back on a normal eating/exercise schedule.

I didn't have breakfast, again.
For lunch (quick bite as we ran out the door to the winery) I had 3 light Wasa crackers with red pepper hummus. (2 points)
At the winery I had 2 tiny nibbles of cheese and several small sips of wine - it maybe added up to half a serving (1.5 points)
On the way back I ate 1/2 a peanut chocolate chip Odwalla bar (2.5 points)
While I was waiting for dinner I had ~5 sweet potato fries (1 point)
For dinner I had 3 vegetarian meat balls with 1 tbsp. of pesto, a cup of butternut squash soup and 2 slices of rosemary olive oil bread with 1 tsp. olive oil and a sprinkling of nutritional yeast. (9.5 points)
When I entered my points into the online WW tracker and realized I'd had NO fruit or vegetables all day (besides the fries and soup), I had about a cup of raw red cabbage and about 6 baby carrots (.5 points). I've been really low on the GHGs this week - mostly because I've been sick and haven't been eating that much. I'm definitely going to watch that this weekend now that my throat feels better.

feeling a bit better

I had to stay home from work today, and I know I had a fever overnight, but I don't think I've had one since morning. I took my temp and it read 96, so I think what that actually tells me is that my thermometer needs a new battery....but I haven't felt feverish and the pain in my throat is a little less. I think the shot they gave me at the doctor's office really did speed up my recovery time.

I ate more today - still no appetite early.
For lunch I had 1/2 c. brown rice, about 1 c. of steamed veggies, 2 1/2 boiled vegetable dumplings and 1 tbsp. of Soy Vey teriyaki sauce (7 points)
For dinner I had about a cup (cooked) of whole wheat rotini, red sauce, and these vegetarian meat ball things with broccoli and 1 tbsp. of parmesan (6.5 points)
Somewhere in the day I had another ginger brew (3 points)
Total = 16.5 points
No exercise - still don't feel up to it. Maybe something light tomorrow.

I have a little bit of heartburn now - it's either from the red sauce or because I ate so little Tuesday and Wednesday, that even though today was still really light on the points, it's more than my stomach's used to right now. The label on my antibiotics says I can't take antacids with them - oh well.
I'm going to work in the morning for 2 hours - school gets out at 10 AM (don't ask me why they bother); doctor's appointment at 10:30 - just a checkup I'd already had scheduled before I got sick and that my Dr. wanted me to keep even though I was there yesterday...whatever.

And then it's 2 weeks of winter break! We're trying to figure out the best day to drive up to Chicago and not hit snow or ice. I'm looking forward to it because I get to see my family, but am also dreading it a little because my cat is really sick and this is a goodbye trip too. :( He's THE sweetest little angel in the world and I love him so much and I just can't stand to see him feel bad. Man...it really stinks when pets are sick.

Strep

I tried to go into work this morning. I check my temp when I woke up at 6 and it was normal, so I thought I'd give it a shot. I can't stand missing so much work. Especially this week when I have gifts and holiday activities planned for the kids...it's their Christmas program...
I went to the doctor over lunch and my fever was back - they did a throat culture, and it's strep. I got an antibiotic shot to speed up the recovery time, but the earliest I can go back to work is Friday and that's only if I don't have a fever for 24 hours before.
On the bright side, all this not eating means I was only .2 pounds more at the doctor's office than last time, but that's just because I haven't been able to eat much - and that kind of weight loss isn't necessarily permanent I've learned.

Anyway...still not exercising, not eating much more than soup and gingerale...don't know points yet for today. Yesterday I skipped breakfast, had gingerale, potato leek soup and wheat saltines for lunch. I was feeling better briefly later and had some noodles with broccoli and olive oil for dinner. 12 points total.

I'm off to rest.