on hold/holding on

I'm in the final few weeks of this semester. I'm sick again. I've been having anxiety spikes after cutting my meds for that in half. I'm having a super rough time with my final papers. I haven't been bingey, but haven't been great either and the only exercise I've been getting is through cleaning and walks.

I've made a decision. I swear I used to be able to multi-task, but the degree to which I keep getting derailed from my routine and goals this year and the frequency with which I'm getting sick is freaking me out. My body is clearly sending me messages that I need to simplify and prioritize. So, I'm putting grad school on hold indefinitely after I finish my final papers over the next 2 weeks.

I've known that I'm overwhelmed, run-down, stressed out and pretty much losing it for months now, and I finally decided that I couldn't just push through and ignore it. I sat down and thought hard about my priorities and what I want long and short term...what's really important and what I'm willing to sacrifice to get it.

What I came up with is this. My top three priorities are my kids at school, my health and my family, friends and daily life...like keeping organized, keeping the house clean - just the baseline things that are essential for me to have a reasonably happy existance that involves the people I love.
My fourth priority is my future growth in terms of education, career, and other development. This includes grad school, going for my NBTS certification, and other 'optional' things that I sometimes think are essential like spending time on crafts, learning new skills, etc.

What I realized is that I have been letting the thing that's fourth on my list of priorities prevent me from doing well the things that are in the top three. That's just silly. Doesn't make any sense at all.

So, until I feel that I'm doing my kids justice, my health is under control and my daily home and family life is supported by a stable, healthy routine, that 4th priority is going to have to wait.
It's a big load off to finally have made that decision. It's a difficult and emotional one for me since it's been so long in the making and I was so proud to finally be on my way to those goals after crashing and burning as an undergrad and gradually working my way back through straight A's in my first Master's and in my ESL certification. But I know by the sense of peace that I've had since I made that decision that it's the right one.

The next few weeks are going to be difficult and hectic while I finish this semester up, but as soon as it's through I have at least 3 months, even if I do decide to go back to UT in the fall, to focus on those priorities. With the summer off from work and school, 2 of those months will be without the daily work schedule. I, of course, will need to work to get ready for the next school year, but I won't have to be anywhere specific at any exact time to do that work.

I'm going to focus on diet, exercise, greening our lives (composting, gardening, making cleaning products, cooking from scratch, etc.), learning Spanish, reading some books on teaching reading and writing, making unit plans for next year, researching ways others school systems have improved ESL parent involvement, and reading, reading, reading. I'm really excited. This will be the first summer I've had completely off - no work, no school since I started teaching besides the summer my dad died which was, of course, hectic and un-relaxing in its own horrible way.

If I get rehired next year at the same school I've been at for the last 2 years (it's always up in the air with ESL) I'll be so thrilled. I drove by the site where they're rebuilding our school and it's an easy bike ride no more than a mile from my house. How awesome would that be to ride to and from work every day?! I'm so hoping that I get to go back there and really work on strengthening my ties with the parents and other teachers now that I'll have made the time to focus on that.

I'm so ready for this shift. It feels good to know I'm stopping fighting myself and starting to do what's simplest, healthiest and best for me right now. I just have to keep telling myself to push through these papers and that the sooner I finish them, the sooner I can get started on this new path. It's super difficult to push through when you're sick and burned out, but I know I can do it and it will be so worth it to get to this new place.

Tues. food journal

Quick entry for food journal today.
I'm still trying to get so much work done before we go out of town on Friday. I'm going to have to bring some with, but hopefully it won't be too bad.
Still sick - I made a doctor's appointment for during my lunch today. But I am feeling a little better this morning. I only had 2 or 3 bad coughing fits in the night and got a lot more sleep than yesterday. The funny thing is, yesterday at work I was so miserable, but I felt better pretty soon after I got home. I think it makes a big difference just getting to lie down and have a cup of tea. At work, if I talk too much (which is hard to avoid) or walk or climb stairs my throat and lungs were burning like I was in a sauna, but not as fun. So...my (very small) dilemma is - if I'm at home, I feel sick but well enough to get through the day at work. But if I'm at work and using energy, I feel like I'm not being productive enough and that I should've stayed home.
I could totally do the work we're doing this week (inventories for the ESL standardized test) at home, but unfortunately I don't have the kind of job that lets me make that judgment call and trusts me to work here.
So - I'm going to work, then to the doctor and depending on how I feel mid-day I'm considering taking a half-day. We'll see.

Here's what I ate - my appetite was nonexistant in the earlier part of the day so I just sort of snacked. But when I got home I wanted warm food and made a fairly big early dinner.

Breakfast: blueberry crisp Clif Bar
Lunch: banana
Snack: ~4-5 pita chips; handful of cashews (~12)
Dinner: bowl of cheese tortellini with pesto, 3 veggie meatballs, and broccoli w/lemon and parmesan
Snack: 1 small ginger lemon cookie

I wish this day were over

This day needs to be scrapped or burned or flushed down the toilet - I definitely 100% believe in moment-to-moment choices and not letting one bad moment spoil the rest, but I really want a fresh start....
My workshops were fine, but then at the end my supervisor made a weird comment to me and I've been fixating on it and feeling upset. We were talking about our ESL assessments and she was speaking to me and another teacher and made a comment that I needed to not do everything - that we had to communicate and share the load - and I jokingly said "Yeah, Brittany - haha!" (Brittany is the teacher, who's a friend of mine and who would never not share the load...which is why it was jokingly). And my supervisor said no, that if I took everything on it would be my fault...only it didn't seem so jokingly....Anyway - it was just a funny tone and I didn't know how to take it. And I'm very sensitive and take forever to cool off and probably misinterpret/blow things out of proportion all the time. Which is why I didn't pursue asking her what she meant...
So - the eating confession...
I inhaled a bunch of junkfood in a stress induced stupor between lunch and now. That, in the interest of meeting one of my 2009 goals of full disclosure, included probably 2 servings of potato chips, 2 bags of peanut M&Ms, a Reece's Whips bar, 3 ginger chews, a few bites of strawberry sorbet, 4 or 5 cookies (Pepperidge Farm Brussels or something...), and probably 6 squares of chocoloate. OMG!!! I also had a healthy leftover stirfry lunch, but...whatever...I guess I don't get any pats on the back for that.
Well - there it is - out in the open. And since I don't want to report that again I'm going to try not to do that again. And in an hour or so if I have an anxiety episode I'm going to kick myself but not feel an ounce of surprise.
Ryan will be home in an hour to tell me about his first day. I'm going to zone out and read some blogs and news articles (I think I'll check out BBC, Mother Jones and Amnesty International) until then, then eat with him, exercise, shower, read and sleep early. I always feel like my fresh starts need to begin in the afternoon or evening prior to going to bed to set up the next day well. Here goes...

Blech...first Monday back at work

Ug. I'm so dreading this week. It feels like with all the traveling and hosting for the holidays, and starting the break with strep throat, that the time flew by, I didn't get done what I needed to by today, and now I'm just not ready to go back.

Ryan is on his way to start his new internship in Nashville. First day! I'm so proud of him. He's been nervous though and didn't get to sleep for a long time last night - I got to sleep first, but I was up way past when I wanted to, partially with him and partially because in a moment of complete idiocy I consumed probably a cup of mini M&Ms and Reece's Pieces. I thought I was supposed to have learned my lesson about that the day before....hmmmm....not good.

So - I didn't really set myself up to start the week right. We got up at 4:45 so Ryan could get ready and start his long commute by 5:45 - that turned into 6 when we couldn't find his keys. Ah!

So I'm really, really tired right now. Sleep is #1 hugest priority for me - I don't know what my problem is but everything I struggle with is magnified when I'm sleep deprived - allergies, anxiety, asthma...everything. And my mood's not so hot either! The worst thing is that I know this about myself and did it anyway. I'm trying to at least make today more productive than I made yesterday.

I typed up my list of goals this morning - a sort of informal daily checklist to keep me focused.

I've also been working on doing my 'educator information record' and am starting on my 'future growth plan' - teacher paperwork stuff that I should've had done already. Today there are no kids - just workshops. I signed up for a workshop that would've given me time to work on this paperwork stuff, but it was cancelled last minute when I went to double check my schedule last night. So - I figured as long as I'm up early I might as well just conduct my own little workshop.

Today I'm going to 4 sessions. One on the new high school standards. I teach elementary grades, but I need to know where they're headed. The others are on autism and aspergers, the school system's budget (because I want to eventually go into policy), and the ELDA inventory (standardized ESL assessment for primary grades). I should get to just listen and absorb (no role play or getting-to-know-you activities) most of the day, except the ESL workshop which is a share/brainstorm session with people I know. I think that's a good mode for me today - I'll learn valuable info but won't have to expend too much physical energy. Aren't I just a ray of sunshine? :) I'll try to get a better attitude by this afternoon. The plan is go to workshops, come home and do my pilates video, finish my lesson plans and future growth plan and get ready for my evaluation tomorrow, then clean and shut down the activity early so I can get to bed at 9.
I'm off to get ready.