Oh the horror of weigh day!

169.4 this morning. Yup...mmhmmm....sounds about right after last week. Even when I stopped binging on Friday I still ate crap.
Okay, then.

In other, better news, food for the day is packed and meals for the week are mostly planned. My work for the week (grad school) is NOT done, but I plan to take care of that today.
I made a sort of outline of meals that I'm going to try to stick with for at least a month...it doesn't tell me what specific dishes we're having, but has broader categories like 'bean soup' or 'tempeh/veggie dish'. It outlines the main nutritional components I should choose so I know that whatever specifics I choose at the beginning of the week I'll be on target for protein, fat, carbs, fruit, veggies, etc. Should be close on calories too without too much specific planning.

I made oatmeal, walnut, chocolate chip cookies last night (some with butterscotch) but sent 3/4 of them with Ryan to work.

Stayed up too late last night trying to choose a topic for my final papers (I'm choosing one topic for both classes so my research will overlap and be kinder with time demands on me), then trying to choose an article to represent that topic for the rest of the students in my Thursday class to read before then, then wrestling with the printer to scan it in so I could send it. I actually thought it would take me 15 minutes, but it wound up somehow taking 2 1/2 hours!

So, this morning I was all set to be early and now I'm late to my first day back at work after spring break.
Better get a move on.

turning it around

Wow. This week was fantasticly horrid. Bingey and stress-filled and just bad. I was worried about classes at UT and stressed about it all week. Monday's class was fine even though I wasn't prepared. Thursday's class was a huge, anxious train-wreck.
Ug. I don't want to talk about it.
Every day I'd feel sick at the end of the day and feel SURE that I would turn things around the next morning. And every morning (Tuesday through today - Friday), I'd fall apart before noon.

Today was going similarly, but I decided to change course midway through the day.
I showered, put on make up, got dressed and drove to Nashville where Ryan was attending the ASCE (civil engineering) conference. I hung out with other adult humans which is a sadly rare occurence these days, cheered on teams and ate a salad for dinner.

I have a pretty unpleasant stomach ache right now even though I finished my peanut M&Ms 11 hours ago - I can't believe it's my first one of the week - I totally deserve it. But, I feel really good about stopping the badness and confident about tomorrow.

I'm going back to Nashville to get my hair cut and colored and meet up with Ryan and his engineer friends again. I also need to get some work finished, clean up and get a bit of exercise in. I'm going to start cleaning right now - at least the kitchen - so that tomorrow morning I won't have hours of work to do.

WW drop-out

Just dropping by since it seems I haven't posted in more than a week...
I've been reading and lurking but not feeling talkative.
The way things have been going these past few months, it's no surprise that I've been off plan, but I am trying to do positive things in other ways like schoolwork, work-work, getting organized, making a budget, etc.

I don't know why I've been struggling so much.
Yesterday I was soooooo exhausted all day after sleeping ~6 hours (not enough for me, but still, the extreme level of exhaustion was a little silly). I set my alarm to get 8 hours last night but overslept and got 9 - it was like I just was physically incapable of budging into consciousness. Then I felt sort of dizzy and woozy and distant and just crappy for hours until this afternoon. Not sure what's going on, but right now I feel short of breath and just blah so I know I need to need to need to crack down on getting my health on track - this isn't even about the scale right now although that's one measure of whether or not I'm doing healthy things for my body.

So - I'm dropping out of Weight Watchers because I never use their tools, don't follow the plan and don't need to pay them for me to sit on my tush and whine.
I think it's a fine plan that does work and did work quite effortlessly for me (to the tune of -18 pounds) for 2 1/2 months before I fell off the wagon in truly spectacular fashion. That was October and I haven't picked myself back up yet, so it's time to move on.
What I'm thinking is that if I'm on plan and tracking my food or counting something about what I'm eating or looking up nutritional values of food, it could just as well be through a free site like SparkPeople that gives me detailed nutritional info as through WW which only gives me points info. Plus, when I did that detox week and tracked everything through both sites, it did concern me that I could be eating so clean and healthy and mostly under 1200 calories a day and still come in at or above my daily points allowance.
I'm not knocking WW, but I just feel like it's not for me right now.

I had good intentions today, packed all my food and gym clothes, but then got so busy at work that I didn't have a bite to eat until 2 PM and was too low energy for a workout.
I left the food that I didn't eat in the fridge at work, so I just need to pack another salad for lunch tomorrow and try again to have an on-track day.

We have a 2 week spring break coming up next week and the week after, and besides attending an ESL conference the first little bit of that, I'm going to try to take the time to reformulate my daily operations around here. Ryan's mom is visiting that first weekend, and mine may or may not be popping in sometime, but that's all good.

I'm still thinking that the way to go for me is focusing on clean, organic-when-possible, whole foods. I'm also considering switching from birth control pills to "natural family planning" and going off my allergy meds and just using my neti pot and keeping the house super clean, etc. I feel like my body is more unhappy with me than it usually would be from just not eating the best and I want to eliminate as many variables as I can in trying to figure out the exhaustion and such.

I'll try to be around more regularly, but it's not easy to get motivated to post stupid decisions, whines, binges, and that sort of thing. I'd be much more prolific if I were having more success.

Eating machine

Ummm.....ummmmm....well, I don't know what to say. I have no excuses. I don't know WHY I can't seem to get out of this cycle...I've been eating everything in sight pretty much ever since I finished my detox, and the scale really, really, (OMG!) really showed it today. I'm almost back up to 170. I'll post my official weigh-in on Saturday, but it won't be pretty.
It's not because of the detox that I've gotten back into this pattern - I didn't have cravings when it was over. It was just that I seem to do better with structure and when I take that away I fall apart. Someday, hopefully, I'll be able to be more laid back with food, but apparently not now.

I know I said I was just going to focus on a couple things at a time and put off making diet a main focus, but I don't think I can do that without regaining everything.

So - I'm going to go back to recording what I eat. I made a weekly meal plan layout for myself, and I'm going to be really good about preparing my meals the day before.

Today's been fine so far. I packed a banana for breakfast, lentil soup and veggies for lunch, a falafel salad for dinner and nuts, crackers and an apple for snack.
I've had through lunch so far plus my multi-vitamin- no cravings (this is usually when I'd start having them). My body is sick of junk and doesn't want it right now.

I've had a sore throat for 2 weeks and I think it's related to being congested. I think the congestion could be linked to the sugar consumption - too much clogs me up.

I'm just not ready to NOT make this a focus and I'm caught up in work and school, so I'm getting back into focusing on my diet earlier than Sunday or next week or whenever I was planning to because it's soooo necessary. I can't regain everything. I don't want to start from zero. As much as I fail, I just need to keep picking myself up, dusting myself off and trying again. Someday it'll stick. Maybe today! :)

What happened?!

That was crazy! For probably half an hour after work I was like a kitchen Tazmanian devil! Just a whirlwind through the fridge and pantry and it was over - I don't even know what happened - just a trail of wrappers in my wake and a dazed look on my face and I hadn't even felt like I'd been having cravings.
I was hungry and had too much of a headache to start my workout right away, so I ate my 2nd Clementine on the way home and then had a chocolate chip granola bar when I got home - that wouldn't have been bad at all, but then I had more rice crackers and hummus and about 20 barbeque chips..and then for some reason I made a bowl of ice cream - almost a cup with sprinkles and a Reece's PB cup. And it just kept snowballing - I had another granola bar, 2 mini candy canes, a truffle and 2 ginger chews. That really came out of nowhere.
The silver lining for me is that if I'd done that before I would've ruined my dinner as well, but yesterday I just had a bowl of coconut, lemongrass, tofu and veggie soup with broccoli and lemon and a ton of water.
I really felt the effects though - my anxiety skyrocketed and my concentration plummeted.
I need a plan the next time that happens. To have a cup of tea, chew gum and go for a walk maybe before I eat any more than I'd planned....

Oooookay....
So - breakfast, lunch, dinner and my first snack were great yesterday. I drank enough water. I ate my fruits and veggies. I took my multi. Can I just ignore the afternoon disaster?! No? It doesn't work like that?
Oh well - I guess today's a new day and hopefully a better one diet-wise.

School is already stressing me out! (grad school). I wish I hadn't signed up for classes this semester. I feel like if I didn't have a job and if I wasn't in grad school, that getting myself healthy could be a full time job - just learning new habits, going to counseling (which I never did after my dad died and know I still should), exercising, sleeping enough, learning new ways of thinking and organizing....yeah....I have a long way to go and that could, for sure, be a full-time job.
Of course teaching is more than a full time job.
So - I know I really shouldn't be taking on school now.
If I drop before Friday I can still get an 80% refund.
I'm going to do my readings for class today (7 articles), go to that class tomorrow and then see how I feel.
I'll update today's food journal tonight.

A bit of a meltdown, but feeling better

Yesterday I ate some crap. It wasn't the most food I've eaten, I don't think it could be classified as a binge calorie-wise, but the psychology behind it was definitely where I've been in the past when I've binged. I want to detail it because I looove to publicly humiliate myself!
No...wait...that's not why...
I want to detail it because I'm hoping to start having more success, and I'm certain that I'll have difficult moments again in the future, and I want to be able to look back at this entry and think...wow....that sucked but it doesn't have to become an out-of-control downward spiral because look! I climbed out of it! (that's the plan, anyways)

I posted yesterday about a healthy breakfast and feeling tired. I was having cravings. By the time I left work I was plotting a junk-food/Blockbuster run. And here's the run-down of me going to the 'bad place'.

1) I had a dvd to return to Blockbuster (season 1 of Weeds), but instead of going home to pick it up and then taking it with me to check out the next disc (season 2), I went straight to Blockbuster. I didn't go home first because I was worried about how much time I had before Ryan got home. I wanted to eat my junk and watch my junk in private. So - the secrecy is the 1st sign of Unhealthy Decision.

2) When I got to Kroger I went straight for the ice cream and sprinkles. Then I got a cupcake at the bakery section and filled a bag with a scoop of mini-M&Ms and a scoop of Reece's Pieces. The ice cream and sprinkles are no different nutritionally from the other stuff, but here's why one is okay with me and the other is a sign of certain doom.

When I got the ice cream I was thinking about what flavor Ryan would want - I was thinking of eating with him, not alone, so there were not going to be any obscene portions or hiding of evidence. Not the best food choice, maybe, but not something I'm worried about. When I got the cupcake I was thinking "hmmm...is this a wrapper I can stuff in the trash can and hide?", and "Should I get the cupcake with the plastic balloon decoration on top so it looks like I'm buying it for a good, celebratory reason and not just to pig out by myself?" and when I got to the candy bins I was thinking "How much of this did I eat last time when I felt so sick? Maybe (maybe!) I should get less this time.", and "Maybe I should just get a bag of fun-size chocolate things so it looks like I'm buying it for long term, for my kids at school, for a party, anything but for me alone."

3) I don't know how to describe this...but when I was on my way out I was weighing whether I had enough to take home with me....there was something odd about it...in the way I was trying to make the decision about what 'enough' was. I'm still not sure how I decided it was....was it the time it would take me to eat? Was it how full or sick I'd feel afterwards? I don't know...just something off about making a decision about 'enough' that had nothing to do with health or balance. Plus I was again worrying about secret eating and dvd watching time and that motivated me to stop shopping.

When I got in the car, I opened my bag of M&Ms and Reece's Pieces and started eating - paranoid (bad sign #4) that the people in other cars were looking at me and thinking what an oinker I looked like!

When I got home I ate the cupcake, stuffed the wrapper and balloon decorations (yes, I bought that one) in the trash and then took out the trash because it was too full to conceal the evidence (very bad sign #5)

I finished the chocolate while watching my dvds and sank into the couch. When Ryan came home I was feeling off (hmmm...wonder why).... We had a healthy dinner of bean and veggie tacos and hung out for a while and everything was fine, but - long story short, he very reasonably and sweetly suggested that I help him clean up and get ready for bed so I could catch up on my sleep instead of watching my 3rd Weeds episode, and that somehow triggered a complete hysterical, crying, meltdown with me wailing incoherently about just wanting my free-time to do nothing before starting back with grad school Thursday (something I have huge anxiety about...for another post). So - I got that out of my system, sat outside for 10 minutes to cool off, went back in and apologized profusely for being psycho and thanked him for not throwing me in a cold shower.

And, I've felt better since. (except that I feel pretty bad about putting Ryan through that)
We had a good talk about how I've taken on too much and how I'm just going to try grad school this semester, but if I really can't do it and stay balanced after a month I'm going to drop a class and that's that.
I didn't even touch the ice cream or sprinkles.

In a very silly sign that I've been watching too much sports TV, I woke up with the song the NFL has in their commercials for fantasy league football - "You Had a Bad Day" - Daniel Powter (you know..."you had a bad day; you're taking one down; you sing a sad song just to turn it around") And decided to interpret that to mean that I had just had a bad day but shouldn't let it ruin the week - not that I need to turn the playoffs off this weekend.

Anywho...Today I've had a low-fat blueberry yogurt for breakfast and some leftover tofu, kale, rice and veggies stir fry with peanut sauce for lunch. I think I'm going to have a Clif bar now so I'm not too starving when I get home to exercise. The plan is to do my Cher step aerobics which is the most likely exercise to keep my mood up. That and to not take anything out on Ryan no matter what I feel like inside.

Oh - 1 more thing - my work started a biggest loser competition today so I signed up and weighed in with all my clothes, shoes, sweatshirt, jewelry, etc. on. I was at 168. Just one more incentive to keep pushing through.

UPDATE: I did have the Clif bar; I did my step aerobics video and a 10 minute abs; I had eggplant lightly breaded in Panko, steamed broccoli with lemon and parmesan, and cheese tortellini with pesto for dinner and about 1/2 a cup of part Chunky Monkey and part Cherry Garcia frozen yogurt for dessert. So - I feel pretty good about today and I'm going to go read a bit and get some sleep!

I wish this day were over

This day needs to be scrapped or burned or flushed down the toilet - I definitely 100% believe in moment-to-moment choices and not letting one bad moment spoil the rest, but I really want a fresh start....
My workshops were fine, but then at the end my supervisor made a weird comment to me and I've been fixating on it and feeling upset. We were talking about our ESL assessments and she was speaking to me and another teacher and made a comment that I needed to not do everything - that we had to communicate and share the load - and I jokingly said "Yeah, Brittany - haha!" (Brittany is the teacher, who's a friend of mine and who would never not share the load...which is why it was jokingly). And my supervisor said no, that if I took everything on it would be my fault...only it didn't seem so jokingly....Anyway - it was just a funny tone and I didn't know how to take it. And I'm very sensitive and take forever to cool off and probably misinterpret/blow things out of proportion all the time. Which is why I didn't pursue asking her what she meant...
So - the eating confession...
I inhaled a bunch of junkfood in a stress induced stupor between lunch and now. That, in the interest of meeting one of my 2009 goals of full disclosure, included probably 2 servings of potato chips, 2 bags of peanut M&Ms, a Reece's Whips bar, 3 ginger chews, a few bites of strawberry sorbet, 4 or 5 cookies (Pepperidge Farm Brussels or something...), and probably 6 squares of chocoloate. OMG!!! I also had a healthy leftover stirfry lunch, but...whatever...I guess I don't get any pats on the back for that.
Well - there it is - out in the open. And since I don't want to report that again I'm going to try not to do that again. And in an hour or so if I have an anxiety episode I'm going to kick myself but not feel an ounce of surprise.
Ryan will be home in an hour to tell me about his first day. I'm going to zone out and read some blogs and news articles (I think I'll check out BBC, Mother Jones and Amnesty International) until then, then eat with him, exercise, shower, read and sleep early. I always feel like my fresh starts need to begin in the afternoon or evening prior to going to bed to set up the next day well. Here goes...

Blech...still sliding

I need to stop making promises when I post. It's getting annoying to read them back to myself.
So, Wednesday and Thursday both started really well in terms of diet. I had my yogurt, raspberry and Ezekiel cereal for breakfast both days and a big salad with healthy oils for lunch both days. Wednesday I had baked tofu on top, and Thursday I had garbanzo beans.
But I had not exercised the day before, I did not get enough sleep, and I did not get enough homework done to manage my stress level. So - I hit 1 out of 4 of my goals that are essential for having a successful day. Why on Earth would I be surprised that I slipped up?!?!
I get into trouble in the afternoon for some reason. I need to figure out why that is. I have no cravings the whole first half of the day even though, yesterday anyway, I was completely exhausted. I actually felt more energetic after noon, but by 3 I was buying M&Ms and Reese's Pieces at the grocery store. And Wednesday I was at Walmart picking up something else and wound up with a bag of mini Mint 3 Musketeers, marshmallows, a Hershey's bar and a bag of Smartfood popcorn. I ate a bunch, got disgusted with myself and threw the rest away.
But since I'm eating healthy in the AM and feeling more awake in the afternoon, I don't really think it's related to an energy dip. I'm not starving in the early part of the day....Hmmm....
I also don't have cravings at night - I feel really unwell if I eat within a few hours of bedtime. So I just need to do something about ~2-6PM and that should be fine. I'm going to look into this though. There has to be some reason I only fall apart in those hours. Maybe if I eat a healthy carb snack, go to the gym, get home and shower, make dinner and clean up, I can fill those hours and sidestep disaster. Maybe studying right after work is not good for me because study-time is prime snack-time as well. I guess I'll find out after finals, because right now I have no choice about when to study - study-time is all the time.
My goals for today are to get a lot of studying done and to not eat junkfood. That simple. I don't feel like I can manage anything more. I need to cut myself some slack but not completely fall apart until after finals are over on Monday. I feel completely confident that I'll have a better time getting back on track next week. We'll see though.

I'm not giving up

So...the week started out well on Sunday. I exercised both days of the weekend, I ironed and set out all my clothes for the week, I packed my lunch for Monday. But, I did NOT have anywhere near the amount of studying I needed to have done finished by the start of the workweek, and, as I knew it would, that placed a huge amount of stress on my shoulders and set me up for not enough sleep and too high anxiety to easily stay on top of my plan.

Monday through Wednesday I ate terribly (sugary things and a lot of Indian buffet on Monday), didn't sleep enough, worked non-stop for school and failed to exercise. I woke up in the middle of the night on Tuesday with my heart racing and covered with sweat. I don't remember having a nightmare. That, combined with my anxiety creeping steadily higher and an overall blech feeling caused me to start worrying about my health.

So, Thursday I recommitted myself to my goals and reminded myself about the reasons I need to be in control of eating, sleeping, exercise and stress - for long term health and happiness. I also reminded myself about some short term goals. When I saw my doctor October 21st, I had lost 14 pounds since the last appointment, and it felt really good to see that written on my chart and hear how proud my doctor was. I really want to see a few more pounds off when I go back in December.
Also, no matter what, on any occasion for family gathering, someone is going to say something about my weight - either asking if I've lost or making some sort of comment about how hard it is to lose weight with the intention of commiserating with me...empathizing or something...So that's not fun, but if my weight is going to get attention, I'd prefer that it's the former reason. Thanksgiving is next week, so I haven't given myself much of a chance to lose by then, but Christmas is almost 5 weeks away, so maybe I can lose 10 pounds and fit comfortably in my 14s by then. (I never thought 14s would be a goal size, but....anyway...that's where I am)

I had a good day yesterday with my food choices. I logged my diet. I got all my schoolwork done. I didn't exercise. On Thursdays I don't get home until 9:30 and there's just no time. I'm going to try again to stay on plan, log everything, exercise, stay on top of cleaning, sleep enough, pace myself with work, and post about it all every day. With the bad choices I mad Monday - Wednesday, I don't think I can expect to lose anything this week, but if I stay the same, that won't be too bad. I'm still 11 pounds down from when I started losing in July, and I'm determined not to let those 11 come back. That means I have just under 50 pounds to lose. A daunting task, but better than 61. I'm setting my birthday July 18th as my goal date.

I'll try to post tomorrow. I'm also trying to figure out how to post my before pictures and adjust the layout of by blog, but I'm not very tech savy, so no promises.

Ever hopeful

This was really a terrible week for my diet. No exercise. Lots of peanut butter cups consumed. I had a pile of them and felt like I HAD to eat them. The strange thing is, I was sooo happy when I realized they were gone. Very relieved. I didn't really want them, I was just eating them compulsively. So...obviously that has to stop.
I wasn't good with my other goals either. The week was high stress. I slacked a little on sleep. Didn't keep up with chores. Crammed schoolwork in last-minute. I'm not going to beat myself up about it though. I think I just need to try to have a better day today and take it one day at a time.

Thank God I'm in the home stretch for school. I have a bunch of readings to catch up on that are due next week, but my last BIG projects are final papers due the first week in December. And then it'll be over!

I'm trying to decide what to do next semester. If I only take 1 class (which is what I feel is right for my health), I won't be able to finish in 2 years. That would be fine, except if Ryan graduates and decides not to attend the fast-track grad school program here, we'd be moving before I'd finish the program. So...I'll probably wind up taking 2 classes. If I stay ahead of things on schedule (and if professors give a week's notice for assignments), I should be okay...not great, but okay. Is there any tactful way to ask professors ahead of time if they are committed to giving at least a week's notice for readings and assignments and if they are in the habit of giving prompt feedback. In the 3 classes I have now, I don't have a single grade in one of the classes, very little informal feedback either...and the semester is almost over! In one of the classes I have feedback in the form of letter grades, but not responses to emails and direct questions about assignments. The 3rd class is pass/fail, so I'm not sweating it...but no concrete feedback there either. That just doesn't work for my personality style.

I've added a whole bunch of stats to my blog (over on the left). I'm going to take my measurements tomorrow because Sunday is the first day of my week on Weight Watchers. I don't know if I have any measurements from when I was 176. If I do, I'm not going to look for them this weekend.

So...I think I'm going to head off to the gym. I'm trying to make Saturdays my one big weight lifting day - when I do ALL the muscle groups. During the week, I'm just sooo unmotivated to do 2 things at the gym (aerobics & weights), and I think it's more important that the aerobics happen consistently through the week (I mean...I can't just do all my aerobics on Saturday...that would be at least 5 hours...)
Wish me luck!

Well...that went poorly

So, Sunday I did okay. I slept enough Saturday night, I finished my assignments due Monday, I exercised - Ryan has a blister so we didn't go running, I just did my Cher step aerobics video in the living room :). But I didn't track my points after breakfast, and I don't remember everything I ate so I can't go back and do it now. I know I had a few leftover from Halloween mini M&M packages and I know I finished the last bit of coffee ice cream we had. So...not to great.

Monday was a disaster. I didn't get enough sleep Sunday night, and I really think that is a huge key for me. I just fall apart when I'm too tired. My kids and the other teachers all notice and ask what's wrong with my eyes and why they look so dark. (I don't know why, but I tend to get very dark circles...maybe it's my skin - but, anyway, lack of sleep shows up very obviously on my face). So, that was bad. I didn't get much accomplished in the way of schoolwork. I didn't exercise at all. I didn't track my points and I ate candy corn, junior mints AND a chocolate marshmallow type of thing. I did good on my water and I did eat 3 pretty nutritional meals in addition to the junk. Probably only 3 fruits/veggies though...that's not like me.

So, now it's Tuesday. Election anxiety day. I'm an Obama supporter in a red state, but I'm wearing my Obama shirt today anyways! I got very nearly 8 hours of sleep last night. I'm about to go do a quick abs workout. I'm packing my gym clothes so I can go to the gym after work. There are no kids at school today - just a teacher inservice, so there's a chance we'll get out early. And, I've already planned my meals which I'll post about later if I actually stick to it. (I know...great attitude). I'm going to try to take a nap when I get home because there's no way I'll be able to sleep until the election is called. So - here I go. Restart take 3!