Tuesday, May 5, 2009


Last Friday at 4:30 AM I finally crawled over the finish line of this semester, turned in my papers and collapsed. Whew! I'm so glad that semester is behind me. I was really getting sucked into some sort of abyss of fatigue, stress and self-pity.
I didn't quite start Friday with the lifestyle-makeover-bang I'd hoped to. But, you know, only getting 2 hours of sleep will do that to a girl.

But, Saturday! Saturday was much better. I made a decision that I need to start getting out there and just trying things that I've lacked the confidence to try so far. I'm talking basic things here....I pretty much look like a slob, or at least extremely plain and casual all the time since I've thought I didn't know how to/couldn't dress in a way that was flattering, do makeup, do my hair, etc. I've had a lot of negative self-talk going on for years and that's led me to give up on quite a bit. I think I'll fail at something, so I give up before I start. OR, I plan and plan and plan my life away waiting for 'it' to be perfect before I start. Maybe that means I wait to like my body before I buy clothes or wait to have figured out some magical, perfect meal plan before I change my diet. In terms of appearance, I think my hair will always be frizzy, so I just put it in a ponytail (like that's better?!). I'm a size 16 but also have petite proportions, so I think I won't find clothes that fit and look good, so I buy something with out trying it on and feel embarassed (seriously, that's better?!!)

So, Saturday I decided I wasn't going to wait anymore. I went on a bit of a shopping spree. This happens whenever I decide to bite the bullet and shop. Since I NEVER shop, historically, whenever I do I usually have some sort of revelation about how much I really 'need' and go overboard. Well, this was no exception. I have been rotating the same 3 pairs of ill-fitting, fraying pants day after day along with a pilling sweater, an old, faded zip-up sweatshirt with a broken zipper and miscellaneous other clothes meant for hiding in. So I needed a lot. I got several new jackets, shirts, pants and shoes plus a bunch of cheap, but cute costume jewelry. I had to buy most of it online because of the afore mentioned size conundrum, but that's okay. I went to the department store (best we have in our little town is Kohl's), found out my size and some brands and styles that worked, and ordered the rest at home. Everything should be here by Thursday and I'm super excited!

I got dressed up and went to a retirement party on Saturday, then went to work in another outfit I was proud of yesterday and felt immesurably better than I have been/would've wearing the old duds. I'm sure everyone on Earth has learned this but me, but it really is amazing what wonders it can do for confidence to wear clothes you like! The biggest difference for me is that they aren't too tight, reminding me of my weight gains every second. I can forget about feeling humiliated and down on myself which leads to happier me, which probably leads to less shame/stress-induced bingey behaviors.
I win! :)

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