Sunday, February 8, 2009

Still here & psycho-babble

Sorry to go MIA.
I'm still here, but trying to stay away from distractions right now. I'm having a hard time justifying blogging breaks because it always leads to a bunch of internet-related distractions. I have the attention span of a goldfish, apparently.

Grad school is crazy hard and busy this semester and I'm trying to make keeping up with that and not stressing myself out by getting behind higher on my list of priorities than this page for the time being.

When I was spending so much time planning and calculating and writing about my diet and exercise, (and got sick) during my detox week I got behind on my classwork.

I spent this week trying hard to get caught up and then work on the current stuff.
As of now, I'm finished with the backed up work, almost finished with the 1st readings of all my materials for the coming week, but still have work to do on a couple presentations and the 2nd pass through the readings to prepare for class discussions. My classes are tiny (one with 7 and one with 3 students), so I have to be prepared either to discuss meaningfully or look like an idiot.

I'm having a hard time balancing all the goals that I have for myself. They're pretty basic things, and I was not, in fact, raised by wolves, so I don't know why I can't just pull it together and do everything at once. But, the fact is that when I do well with preparing for work and school my house falls into a horrible, messy state, I slack on exercise and don't plan healthy meals.

When I do great with exercise and eat healthily and get to bed on time, I fall behind on work and school stuff.

If I manage to eat well, exercise, keep up with the house, get to bed on time and stay reasonably on pace with work and school, I can never get it to last and I wind up stretched too thin, anxious and neglectful of Ryan or any other social life, hobby, etc... And, honestly, the few times that's happened have been during weeks when we've had snow days or 3 day weekends or something.
You get the idea...

I know I'm taking on a lot, especially with my long commute to school, but I don't think it's more than I should be able to do. I just need to be able to work efficiently. Which, for me (don't mean to sound like a broken record) means taming this anxiety beast and chilling the *bleep* out!

I just haven't learned to juggle yet.

And I think it might take time.

I think I might have to work on keeping all my goals sort of in the back of my mind, but only focusing and really concentrating on and fully committing to a couple at a time and not trying to put so much pressure on myself to do everything at once.

I've realized that I have really pitiful self-confidence.
I try to take on a lot, and I probably am completely capable of doing all the things I want for myself, but somewhere, not so deep inside, I just don't believe I can pull it off. I did not have overly critical parents - not blaming them - but I've realized that I have a hard time believing that I'm able to be a teacher, student, professional, friend, girlfriend, healthy person, athletic person, cook....If I ever achieve any level of success, I always feel guilty and my mind goes to this place where I find an excuse for why it doesn't really count.

For example, it's been a long time since I've received a grade below an A but I attribute it to grade inflation as a general crisis in higher education.
My boss/college professor has made a few passing comments that involve her saying I'm 'brilliant' and I blush furiously certain that she's being sarcastic and poking fun at me.
I have a great relationship with Ryan, but attribute it to pure dumb luck and his phenomenally saintly character.
I know my kids are learning and I know they love me and I love them, but when I see gains I think "wow - they're so lucky I'm not their only teacher, I have someone else as a safety net in case I mess up"
Even though I used to cook up a storm in high school, I have such a silly lack of confidence in the kitchen that yesterday it completely blew my mind when I made a sandwich that turned out pretty great. Yes, a sandwich.

I think it was Scale Junkie who made a post about not believing that we can succeed...that the next moment of weakness/binge/ right around the corner - I totally relate.

I don't know where all this came from. I'd probably be a fun puzzle for a psychologist if I ever make the time to find one I can relate to. :)
I have a B.S. (appropriate letters) in psych, maybe I should explore the psych-stereotypes myself! ;)
Let's see....

Childhood: Did I belatedly crack from the pressure of being in 'accelerated programs' growing up?

Relationships: Was it the hellish, destructive (but not abusive) on and off and on and off relationship with my first boyfriend from age 16-24?

High school drama: (e.g. The best friend who fell in love with me and blamed me (plus turned half our friends against me) for not being a lesbian? (but failed to tell me why she and they were shunning me for 3 months after it started!))

Family: The loving but admittedly challenge-filled days of my depressed, self-destructive, alcoholic dad? His passing? Mom's co-dependence? Their divorce?

Body-issues: Being emotionally immature but highly physically 'developed' by the time I was in middle school and the harrassment I got from older men because of it? (had breast reduction when I got fed up after growing out of my DDDs at age 19 - wanted to get the surgery in while I was still covered on Dad's insurance)

Chemical imbalance/general craziness: Anxiety issues that kept me in my apartment and failing classes for long stretches of time as an undergrad....the shame of that and the bad grades that seemed to reflect on the quality of my brain, not the spiraling-out-of-control issues of a lost teen.

I'm of the philosophy that we all have crap to deal with, but that as an adult I have to take responsibility for my life as it is now and as I dream it could be - and not blame any current state on any other person or circumstance from my past. I don't think I'll be seeing a therapist anytime soon, but that kind of did help me get some things off my chest and realize that I need to be forgiving - there's a lot I haven't dealt with and I can't expect to be perfect overnight.

So - in the spirit of keeping things in perspective and focusing on small goals - I'm going to make this week's goals keeping ahead of school work and work-work, and preparing for the next day the night before (setting out lunches, clothes, etc.)

Thanks to anyone who's reading for being inspiring! I love reading all your posts even when I disappear.
Back to work!


Rachel said...

Psychobabble is sometimes necessary! I've been doing a bit of it myself this weekend. I definitely know the feeling of not being able to give yourself 100% to any part of your life without another suffering. Hang in there!

AmeliaPontes said...

My life is "psychobabble"and it keeps me sane. By being able to say all of the things that hold me back, it gives me a chance to at least get over all of it.
Good luck with your goals this week!

Rachel said...

Amen to getting over it!
It's funny - I blog 90+% as a personal journal - just a record of this time in my life that I don't mind sharing (b/c I love peeking into others' lives). But then I look back and think...hmm...I guess I'm the over-sharing crazy girl. Oh well.
At least it's a real reflection of whatever space I was in at the moment of the blog entry.

Scale Junkie said...

Nearly every post of mine is psychobabble. I just put it out there and sometimes people can relate, other times, not so much. And yes I've had people email me and tell me I share too much...but then they keep coming back to read more. Oh well. I think that by writing this down it keeps us accountable and provides us with a history of our journey. That is priceless to me.

Good luck with your goals this week, baby steps and one step at a time. We will ge there.