not fighting myself

This week has gone really well so far. I already feel like the healthy choices I'm making are becoming a part of my natural routine.

Since I regained all the weight I'd lost, and the last part of that pretty rapidly, I set a goal of losing 6 lbs this week with a Monday weigh day. That's just for the first week back in this thing. So far I've lost 4.6 with 3 more days to go! I'm focused on making long term lifestyle changes, but also on losing the pounds...and I'm comfortable with that as long as I don't get obsessed or down on myself because of a number on the scale. But so far so good!

Every day this week I've had the same breakfast and lunch and that seems to be working well for me. I've had 5.3 oz. non-fat, plain Greek yogurt with strawberries and Ezekiel flax cereal for breakfast, a big salad with either tempeh or garbanzo beans, sunflower seeds and a dressing of 1 tsp. each olive and flaxseed oils, red wine vinegar, basil and pepper for lunch and a different snack and dinner. Monday through Thursday it's been...

Snacks: veggies and hummus, string cheese and apple, banana (and unplanned corn chips with salsa), rice cake with peanut butter and apple
Dinners: steamed veggies, rice and tofu; veggie, cheese and hummus sandwich; leftover steamed veggies and rice with tempeh; cheese and bean quesadilla with roasted veggies

I've exercised everyday too. I want to do about an hour a day but my most important goal is just to move everyday even if it's just a walk in the neighborhood.

Monday: 1 hour on Precor AMT; 20 min. walk around the neighborhood
Tuesday: 30 min. of C25K program day 1; back and biceps; step and abs class (This class nearly killed me!!! But I think I'm going to go back next week)
Wednesday: 53 min. walk in the neighborhood; chest and triceps (could've done better this day but I came home after work to watch the BL finale I'd recorded instead of going to the gym because I was worried I'd hear the outcome...doesn't make much sense - oh well)
Thursday: Cher step aerobics video
Friday: I'm planning to go do a 10 min. abs video now, then after work I'm going to do the 2nd day of the C25K program for 30 min., get on an elliptical for an hour and do a quick shoulder workout

I can't emphasize enough how much of a difference ending the grad-school semester and making the decision to take a break has made for me in terms of healthy decisions! I don't know how I feel about the idea will-power, but my sense is that it can play a small part in helping me to make good decisions in the moment, but that it's no match for feelings of shame, guilt, helplessness or being overwhelmed. I was fighting a losing battle trying to use will-power to push me through a situation that I just wasn't able to handle right now and because I was setting myself up for failure and more importantly, feeling like a failure, I was never going to be able to use 'will power' to have eating/exercising successes.

It's still spring and school's not out, but I feel like I'm setting the foundations for a great, productive summer :)

balanced

As you know if you've read this page before, I've had a lot of ups and downs this year (mostly downs) and I'm trying to figure out what to do to set things right once and for all. My biggest obstacle is binging, and my biggest binging trigger is feeling shame. It seems to me like people who are happy and fulfilled in their lives and who stay productive and busy (but balanced, NOT overwhelmed) don't participate in those sorts of self-destructive behaviors. So what I've been trying to do is concentrate on being balanced and feeling together. For me, this involves being prepared for work, looking the best I can, being physically active, keeping the house clean and organized, being social, having a creative outlet and doing some sort of self-improvement/studying project.

After I turned in my final last week I went shopping and for the past week I've really been trying to pay attention to the way I look. I've been planning my outfits, which are now composed of clothes that fit me and are not falling apart, the night before. I've been doing my hair and makeup and wearing jewelry.

I've reconnected with some long-lost friends on facebook and through some overdue phone calls and have been trying to be more outgoing at work.

I've started my Rosetta Stone Spanish lessons.

The house is...well....getting there. Not a disaster zone.

Having these things in place sets me up for success. And I'm definitely ready for some success. I've regained the weight I lost last fall and when I weighed in yesterday was back at 175 - a nice, round, restarting number, right? It seemed like as good a day as any to re-focus, I guess! I set a goal of losing 60 pounds and feel totally ready now that I've decided to take the summer (at least) off from grad school. I got my grades from the spring semester this morning and miraculously maintained my 4.0! I have no idea how that happened, but I'm extremely relieved and ready to put the stress of that semester behind me once and for all.

Yesterday and today I planned healthy meals and have been doing well so far with not feeling snacky. Both days I had Greek yogurt with strawberries and Ezekiel cereal for breakfast and a salad with garbanzo beans for lunch. Yesterday's snack was veggies and hummus. Today's is string cheese and an apple. Yesterday's dinner was brown rice, steamed veggies, yeasty tofu and soy vey teriyaki sauce. Today either leftovers or hummus/cheese/veggie sandwiches.

Yesterday I also went to the gym for the first time in a looooong time. I did an hour on the new Precor AMT (?) (half in elliptical motion, half in step motion). Then Ryan and I went for a short (20 min) walk in the evening.
Today I'm planning to start the C25K program, maybe do some weights and then go to a step class at 5:15. It will be my first class ever at the gym :) I'm a little nervous that I'll look stupid, but mostly excited that I'm going to try something new.

Ryan's meeting me at the gym after work. Now that I've set myself up for success and with the two of us committed to a healthy lifestyle together, I'm feeling hopeful that a lot of great changes will take place with my fitness and health this summer.

spree

Last Friday at 4:30 AM I finally crawled over the finish line of this semester, turned in my papers and collapsed. Whew! I'm so glad that semester is behind me. I was really getting sucked into some sort of abyss of fatigue, stress and self-pity.
I didn't quite start Friday with the lifestyle-makeover-bang I'd hoped to. But, you know, only getting 2 hours of sleep will do that to a girl.

But, Saturday! Saturday was much better. I made a decision that I need to start getting out there and just trying things that I've lacked the confidence to try so far. I'm talking basic things here....I pretty much look like a slob, or at least extremely plain and casual all the time since I've thought I didn't know how to/couldn't dress in a way that was flattering, do makeup, do my hair, etc. I've had a lot of negative self-talk going on for years and that's led me to give up on quite a bit. I think I'll fail at something, so I give up before I start. OR, I plan and plan and plan my life away waiting for 'it' to be perfect before I start. Maybe that means I wait to like my body before I buy clothes or wait to have figured out some magical, perfect meal plan before I change my diet. In terms of appearance, I think my hair will always be frizzy, so I just put it in a ponytail (like that's better?!). I'm a size 16 but also have petite proportions, so I think I won't find clothes that fit and look good, so I buy something with out trying it on and feel embarassed (seriously, that's better?!!)

So, Saturday I decided I wasn't going to wait anymore. I went on a bit of a shopping spree. This happens whenever I decide to bite the bullet and shop. Since I NEVER shop, historically, whenever I do I usually have some sort of revelation about how much I really 'need' and go overboard. Well, this was no exception. I have been rotating the same 3 pairs of ill-fitting, fraying pants day after day along with a pilling sweater, an old, faded zip-up sweatshirt with a broken zipper and miscellaneous other clothes meant for hiding in. So I needed a lot. I got several new jackets, shirts, pants and shoes plus a bunch of cheap, but cute costume jewelry. I had to buy most of it online because of the afore mentioned size conundrum, but that's okay. I went to the department store (best we have in our little town is Kohl's), found out my size and some brands and styles that worked, and ordered the rest at home. Everything should be here by Thursday and I'm super excited!

I got dressed up and went to a retirement party on Saturday, then went to work in another outfit I was proud of yesterday and felt immesurably better than I have been/would've wearing the old duds. I'm sure everyone on Earth has learned this but me, but it really is amazing what wonders it can do for confidence to wear clothes you like! The biggest difference for me is that they aren't too tight, reminding me of my weight gains every second. I can forget about feeling humiliated and down on myself which leads to happier me, which probably leads to less shame/stress-induced bingey behaviors.
I win! :)

impromptu weigh-day

Ryan weighed this morning heavier than he's ever been. Still not 'fat', but it's a rapid, significant gain & he doesn't feel well. So we decided that even though we've been planning turning things around and making a lot of lifestyle changes with a deadline of Friday after my finals are turned in, that maybe we should make some changes today.

We'd definitely been falling into the trap of "I'm starting healthy habits (insert day coming up soon), so I'll just eat this (insert random unhealthy junk) while I can." After he weighed I said "well, I guess I'll weigh today, too...but I know my body and I weigh 174. I don't even need to get on the scale."But I did so I could have an official # to write down and guess what? 173.6 I really can tell what I weigh with pretty good accuracy...I guess most of us can.

I'm 'this close' to having all my research gathered and organized and will be ready to start writing the papers tonight. Once I have all my ideas down, notes gathered and outline finished it won't take me that long....one or two evenings. I decided to quit grad school, simplify and minimize stress and outside-of-work obligations so I could focus on my health, and I've been soooo looking forward to it. We have a lot of physical activity planned for the weekend and blocks of time scheduled for healthy cooking.

I'm really glad because besides regaining pretty much all of my weight (I started WW at 176 last July) I have had a few mystery ailments pop up & they certainly aren't going to be made better by NON-healthy choices. I'm hoping they'll just magically clear up while I focus on health over the summer, but I think I'm going to have to go to the dr. for one today. I'm dreading getting on that scale...it makes me not want to go because I don't want them writing this # in my chart!!! I know that's silly, but it's how I feel. I'm writing these down so I can document them here for myself, but read on if you're so inclined. :)

#1 - From Sept. through ~Feb. my lips were peeling. I told my doc and we talked about basic things like staying hydrated and wearing chapstick...duh. A week or 2 ago I got some sore or irritation in the corner of my mouth...it got better but then a milder version popped up on the other side. Then my lips got irritated, red and painful including the area around my lips. I stopped using my chapstick and have been using Carmex and it's been a lot better but not great. I don't know if I developed an allergy to chapstick or what...

#2 - For a while now I've had mild, slightly annoying pain or soreness in my left index finger knuckle. I'm right handed and don't do anything with my left hand that should be able to cause a repetitive use injury. Yesterday, all of a sudden, the knuckle got painful and swollen and now it hurts to move it in any direction and it's hard to make a fist with that finger down. I'm not able to type with that finger either, which is really slowing me down. I'm a fast typist and I think while I type, so to have to think about which fingers to use instead distracts me from what I'm typing about. Not so much a problem here, but definitely bothersome for these final papers.

#3 - I'm getting what look like liver spots...a bunch on my lower legs and 2 on my face. I've showed them to my doctor and she doesn't think they're anything to worry about, but they sure ain't cute. :-Z

So...I'm drinking my plain lemon, ginger tea now and am going to eat clean and light today and probably bite the bullet and try to get in to see my doctor about the knuckle. I've really let my body down, but I hope it's not too late to turn it around!

Quick Post

Note: I tried to post this here yesterday and couldn't figure out why it never showed up. I'm working on putting together a new blog, but am not planning on posting content there for another month or so and I just found it posted over there....hmmmmmm....
Anyway - it was just a quick post - here it is.

I just discovered facebook....I know, I know - I'm behind the times :) But, wow! Wow! The crazy names that pop out from the past! I'm not linking to the blog although for all I know people there will be able to find me here. I don't have it figured out yet. But, it is making me think that if I ever post a link to my blog on my facebook page, that I'll want to think before I type and not just spew out every whiney, stream-of-consciousness nonsense that pops through my brain. Hmmm...Maybe I should do that anyway! So many people are there from so many different areas and times in my life. It could feel a little exposing.

It's definitely a time stealer, too. I should stay away until this final paper is finished. I'm still procrastinating with that, but feeling slightly less hopeless.I'm waaaaay happier since I decided to give grad school a break - good decision, I think. Off to work!

on hold/holding on

I'm in the final few weeks of this semester. I'm sick again. I've been having anxiety spikes after cutting my meds for that in half. I'm having a super rough time with my final papers. I haven't been bingey, but haven't been great either and the only exercise I've been getting is through cleaning and walks.

I've made a decision. I swear I used to be able to multi-task, but the degree to which I keep getting derailed from my routine and goals this year and the frequency with which I'm getting sick is freaking me out. My body is clearly sending me messages that I need to simplify and prioritize. So, I'm putting grad school on hold indefinitely after I finish my final papers over the next 2 weeks.

I've known that I'm overwhelmed, run-down, stressed out and pretty much losing it for months now, and I finally decided that I couldn't just push through and ignore it. I sat down and thought hard about my priorities and what I want long and short term...what's really important and what I'm willing to sacrifice to get it.

What I came up with is this. My top three priorities are my kids at school, my health and my family, friends and daily life...like keeping organized, keeping the house clean - just the baseline things that are essential for me to have a reasonably happy existance that involves the people I love.
My fourth priority is my future growth in terms of education, career, and other development. This includes grad school, going for my NBTS certification, and other 'optional' things that I sometimes think are essential like spending time on crafts, learning new skills, etc.

What I realized is that I have been letting the thing that's fourth on my list of priorities prevent me from doing well the things that are in the top three. That's just silly. Doesn't make any sense at all.

So, until I feel that I'm doing my kids justice, my health is under control and my daily home and family life is supported by a stable, healthy routine, that 4th priority is going to have to wait.
It's a big load off to finally have made that decision. It's a difficult and emotional one for me since it's been so long in the making and I was so proud to finally be on my way to those goals after crashing and burning as an undergrad and gradually working my way back through straight A's in my first Master's and in my ESL certification. But I know by the sense of peace that I've had since I made that decision that it's the right one.

The next few weeks are going to be difficult and hectic while I finish this semester up, but as soon as it's through I have at least 3 months, even if I do decide to go back to UT in the fall, to focus on those priorities. With the summer off from work and school, 2 of those months will be without the daily work schedule. I, of course, will need to work to get ready for the next school year, but I won't have to be anywhere specific at any exact time to do that work.

I'm going to focus on diet, exercise, greening our lives (composting, gardening, making cleaning products, cooking from scratch, etc.), learning Spanish, reading some books on teaching reading and writing, making unit plans for next year, researching ways others school systems have improved ESL parent involvement, and reading, reading, reading. I'm really excited. This will be the first summer I've had completely off - no work, no school since I started teaching besides the summer my dad died which was, of course, hectic and un-relaxing in its own horrible way.

If I get rehired next year at the same school I've been at for the last 2 years (it's always up in the air with ESL) I'll be so thrilled. I drove by the site where they're rebuilding our school and it's an easy bike ride no more than a mile from my house. How awesome would that be to ride to and from work every day?! I'm so hoping that I get to go back there and really work on strengthening my ties with the parents and other teachers now that I'll have made the time to focus on that.

I'm so ready for this shift. It feels good to know I'm stopping fighting myself and starting to do what's simplest, healthiest and best for me right now. I just have to keep telling myself to push through these papers and that the sooner I finish them, the sooner I can get started on this new path. It's super difficult to push through when you're sick and burned out, but I know I can do it and it will be so worth it to get to this new place.

weekly prep

Ryan and I spent a lot of time this weekend going over 5 of our cookbooks, picking out recipes that sound good and planning for the week.

I'm going to take a cue from Toni at The Happy Housewife and plan dinners for the month ahead of time - not specifically what I'm going to eat everyday, but a list of meals that I will choose from at the beginning of each week. I love the simple food we eat, but it will be good for us to try new things. We're going to do this Monday through Friday because Ryan wants to leave room for spontaneity on the weekends and that's cool with me.

I'm still sticking with that general shell I talked about that serves as a guide for planning the nutritional content of the day. For example, before I planned the specifics for tomorrow I knew that I'd be having a smoothie for breakfast, a sandwich with some kind of bean spread and veggies for lunch, fruit and nuts for snack and a salad with tofu or tempeh and a grain for dinner.

I have my list divided into tempeh/tofu dishes, bean/legume dishes, and miscellaneous (grains, veggies, sides, soups without beans or tempeh, etc.) I don't have all the meals for this month chosen yet, but I do have this week planned. I'll post the 20 days of dinners when I can. We decided to make things easier that we would choose one grain for the week and make it on Sunday. This week I made 8 servings of quinoa for use in 3 recipes and to have plain with my salad tomorrow.

Breakfasts: fruit, yogurt, protein powder, flaxseed oil, E3Live and cran-water smoothies x2; greek yogurt with 1/4 c. Ezekiel flax cereal, banana and almonds x2; steel cut oats with apple, almond butter and cinnamon

Lunches: bagel, cheese, chick pea spread and veggie sandwich with raw veggies; leftover corn chowder and cold bean salad (from Sunday's dinner); leftover yeasty tofu, quinoa and veggie stir-fry (from Tuesday's planned dinner); leftover curried quinoa with peas, garbanzo beans and cashews with raw veggies (from Wednesday's dinner); salad with garbanzo beans

Snacks: apple or grapes & 1/2 oz. nuts x2; raw veggies & chick pea spread; light string cheese and light Wasa crackers; fruit alone

Dinners: salad with baked tempeh, sunflower seeds and veggies with quinoa x2; yeasty tofu, veggie and quinoa stir fry; curried quinoa with peas, garbanzo beans and cashews; spicy quinoa and potato croquettes with szechuan tofu triangles

Desserts: tea; hot cocoa; fruit and almond butter; fruit and tea; popcorn

I'm excited to start actually using my cookbooks, helping out in the kitchen and trying new things. I do want to track the nutritional info on these new things, but am entering the home stretch of this semester of grad school and will probably not have time to do much else than work on my research papers this week when I'm not at school.

Right now I need to get some readings done for tomorrow's class so I can get to bed!
I'm not ready for the week like I want to be, but at least my meals are packed for tomorrow, the laundry's done and put away and the house isn't a complete disaster zone.

Here's a few pics of prepping corn chowder, chick pea spread, baked tempeh and quinoa for the week.