Rachel on a Mission

New Blog

2009-06-23T08:51:00.003-05:00

As someone who is very anxious about any sort of change, this gives me spikes of nerves to say, but I'm ready to stop posting here and start only posting at my new blog. It's in the process of getting a makeover by the talented Emily at www.theblogfairy.com, but I couldn't wait to start posting over there! It's still me, but a bit less stream-of-consciousness and a bit more organized. And hopefully the new look marks the turning over of a new leaf health-wise.

My intention for that space, besides keeping track of my weight loss and the lessons I learn through that, is that it will be a place where I can report on and keep track of other things I'm learning about like ways of living that are greener, healthier and more organized. Right now I'm working on learning about being more environmentally conscious and will be posting some tips I've read about related to food, eating and restaurants later today.

I don't know if anyone still visits me over here, but if you do and if you'd like to know where I've gone, the new address is www.rachelsroad.com

Hope to see you there!

Refusing to sit on the sidelines

2009-06-23T08:45:00.003-05:00

I always knew I was stubborn - maybe that's why it takes me so long to learn simple life lessons and make long-lasting, healthy changes.
I'm starting to change my mindset, however. I'm not letting myself avoid experiences because they make me nervous. I do have some real problems with anxiety and I try to be gentle with myself about that (e.g. I'm not ready to step on a plane or take a cross-country road trip yet), but I'm not avoiding the little things that I worry will be embarassing or uncomfortable.

Last week I faced a big fear when I went on that long hike in the Tennessee summer heat.
Today I'm taking some of my kids to the pool....in a swimsuit! In public!
On Saturday Ryan and I are going out to a local club where actual people will be able to see me! :)
And in two weeks we have our big Farm Community 'family' reunion and even though I haven't lost the weight I wanted to before seeing everybody again, I'm going to focus on being myself and having a great time no matter what that paranoid little person who lives in my skull thinks people are whispering about me.
I'm ready to get out there!

Update

2009-06-17T16:48:00.004-05:00

Update from June 17th: Turns out the girls weren't scared at all and wanted to clamber up and down rocks to get all the way to the bottom of the biggest waterfall.

I was way braver than I thought I'd be because while focusing on the well being of little ones, there's not much energy left for my own anxieties. On the way back up I overheated and got a bit worried, but slowed down, drank water and everything turned out fine.

Here we are almost at the water's edge. We stayed down for awhile, dipped our feet in the water, found dragonflies and looked for rocks for one of the girls' rock collections. The hardest part was the long trip back UP. We emerged from the experience exhausted, but totally unscathed, picnicked on fruit, veggies, cheese and crackers and topped off the day with a trip to Marble Slab for sundaes and to Walgreens to print out some pics for them to keep and show their parents. Fun!

100th post!

2009-06-17T07:03:00.002-05:00

I don't really have anything momentus to type about for this occassion, but I thought it was a nice milestone to mention :) I've rambled on for 100 posts without finding any sort of regular posting rhythm or consistent theme....yay? I do want to eventually become more defined and regular, and I'm working on that. I'm setting up a new blog that should be up by July. Right now I'm looking for a good Blogger template. I know what I want, but I don't know what to call it when I'm searching for it. I want 3 columns with the largest on the left, and I want a space to insert a Picasa (or whatever) slide show that spans across the top of the 2 right columns. So, basically I want the 1st column to start at the top, but I want the other columns to start below a box for a slide show. It's times like these I wish I could just write code.

This week Ryan and I started our own little BL competition. We weighed in on Monday - I was at 173.5. And we're going to weigh in every week to see who's lost the biggest percentage of weight (you know how it goes). Prizes for each week are going to be massages if he wins or back tickles if I do (like very, very light back rubs - it relaxes me). We might add different prizes, but since those are free and we couldn't think of anything that would be better, we're sticking with that idea for now. We're going to go in rounds. The first 'round' is 8 weeks long. At the end of that 8 weeks, whoever wins gets to plan a weekend trip for the 2 of us. It's not like there's a lot of pressure to win, because neither of us would plan a trip that the other wouldn't enjoy...just a little friendly competition to keep us focused.

My eating has been so-so and I haven't been exercising. Yesterday Ryan and I planned to meet at the gym, but I've been feeling very strange and didn't feel up to it. I've just been having a lot of dizziness and headaches or head pressure. I've also been feeling funny in my chest which is a very annoying lifelong theme for me. I've been short of breath, probably from allergies, but since I'm paranoid I always think there's something wrong with my heart, which makes me anxious - and I feel that in my chest too so it makes it all much worse. I've also been really exhausted and have been extra sensitive to the heat. I think all I need is a good, solid week of enough rest, hydration and clean eating. I'm going to keep the exercise gentle for now.

Today I'm going hiking, but since I'm taking a few of my students with me (and maybe their older sister whose in middle school?) it won't be too strenuous. It's not that I don't think they're capable of climbing down the rocky parts, but it makes ME too nervous to watch them do it! So we'll stay on the trails and see some waterfalls. It should be fun :) This is going to be my busiest week for the summer with plans to do things with kids from school. Yesterday I took 2 to the library to see Safari Greg and then out for lunch. Today - hiking. Thursday I'm taking my regular 3 to see the same show at the library, check out new books, play in the park, and work on a few reading skills. And on Saturday, Ryan is going to come with me when I take that same group to see a play at the Children's Theater in Nashville. I can't wait! 2 of the kids are boys, so I asked Ryan to come with us so I'd have someone to supervise the boys' bathroom trips. It's not that I don't think he'll enjoy "Lily's Purple Plastic Purse" :) I just need an extra hand.

I've got to plan a picnic for the girls and I for our hiking trip...I have no idea what they like to eat...probably something not vegetarian that I don't know how to make....hmmmm....maybe they'll be happy with PB&J :)

starting summer

2009-06-10T07:11:00.006-05:00

I just got back from a week in Chicago. I saw some of my best friends, visited with my family, tried to stay busy and ate a lot of birthday cake/petite fours. It was great! It's not actually my birthday until July, but since I won't see my family again before then we celebrated summer birthday's together early.

During the week I went shopping for makeup, scarves, tank tops (unsuccessfully), and a few things at Ikea. I went to a White Sox game (Gasp! Horror!) even though I've been a HUGE Cubs fan my entire life. But, hey, the Cubs were out of town, I don't hate the Sox, and I wanted to see a game. Plus, they were playing a team that has a few of my favorite ex-Cubs on it. The park was really nice and still very new-looking. I was shocked to find out that they had veggie hot dogs, too!

Early in the week I helped one of my friends by grading papers at her school all day and then met another of my friends for dinner at a cafe where her super-talented jazz drumming husband was playing that night.

On the way up to Chicago we stopped at a place in Indiana that has something like 270 flavors of popcorn! We tried a few and bought a few more to try later. Honestly, they were mostly not really my taste, but it was a fun experience recommended by the widower of my former work friend and colleague.

Other than that I got a cute summery pedicure (purplish-pink with a rhinestone flower on each big toe), ate at some great restaurants (Harry Carey's, Blind Faith vegetarian cafe, Goose Island Brewery, Wholy Frijoles Mexican restaurant) and enjoyed the unseasonably cool weather in beautiful Chi-town! The only thing I didn't get to do was spend time at the lake - the one day I had time, it was freezing and rainy all day. Maybe I'll have to go back soon :)

I was too busy to exercise, but did walk a lot. I didn't really pay attention to my food choices either. I just enjoyed my time and came back at the exact same weight I was when I left town last week: 171.

My mom drove back with me yesterday and is flying back out today. I didn't ask her to do that, but she worries about me doing the 10 hour drive by myself and I had free plane tickets, so that's how it worked out. Before she leaves I'm going to take her for a walk in our local park and maybe go see the Appalachian Center for Craft which is on the way to the airport.

Tomorrow I have a literacy conference all day and I'm tutoring a group of students at the library in the afternoon. After that I hope to get started on my summer routine of exercise, studying teaching writing and practicing Spanish. I can't wait!

Here I am with mom and Ryan at the Sox game in Chicago

School's out!

2009-05-30T06:33:00.002-05:00

Today is the last day of the school year! I don't know why it's on a Saturday, but apparently this isn't out of the ordinary in my crazy little town. There's no bus service and a 10 AM dismissal, so I'll be surprised if any kids actually show up. I can't say that I'd send my own kids if I had any.

We have a fund raiser for our school playground at 11, a memorial for a co-worker who passed away from breast cancer last week at 3 :( :( :( and then will be cleaning, cleaning, cleaning in preparation for my mom to get here tomorrow.

It's been a crazy-busy last few weeks of school. I've been scrambling trying to make plans to see a bunch of my kids this summer and get our files in order. It should be fun! So far I made plans to meet regularly with 3 of my kids going into 2nd grade. I gave them each backpacks filled with stuff that I want them to work with this summer and am going to see them once a week. Mostly, we'll go to the library, look at books and study, but I planned field trips to the zoo, a children's theatre and a minor league baseball game.
I'm trying to get in touch with the parents of 3 boys who are going into 3rd grade to ask if I can take them to the science museum/planetarium at the end of June, and I already got permission to take one group to the library when they're having a special animal-guy guest, another to the hands-on museum, and another to a picnic at a nearby state park with waterfalls.

I'm so glad I decided against continuing grad school this summer - I never would've been able to do this stuff if I hadn't.

I'll be in Chicago next week seeing some friends and family. I want to try this semi-fancy vegetarian restaurant I've never been to before (Green Zebra), help one of my other teacher friends out at her school, maybe see a play, get a pedicure, shop for makeup and a new bag or purse and go to a baseball game. Unfortunately, my Cubs are on the road, so it'll be a White Sox game (gasp!). At least they're playing the Indians which is the team a few of my favorite ex-Cubs were traded to this winter.

By the way - my garden (er...Ryan's garden) is HUGE! We picked broccoli last week, have been picking lettuce and herbs for a few, and just saw the beginnings of baby tomatoes, cucumber and squash! I'm such the proud mama!
I'll post pics later.

been busy

2009-05-23T22:06:00.006-05:00

I've had a very elementary school-teacherish week.
After baking up a storm Monday night, I set to work on these pinatas with my kids. They designed, planned and started them at school, and I just got finished making what we didn't finish (most of it). Whew!
I think they look pretty cute :)
They go with units on plant parts, weather/wind/energy, and shapes (round things)
We break them Tuesday.

life gets in the way

2009-05-20T21:50:00.003-05:00

I haven't fallen off the wagon. Everything's fine. But this week hasn't been as strong as last week on the eating and exercise front.

I've been crazy busy and keep forgetting to eat all day, getting exhausted and not feeling well, then eating so-so at best at night. No binges though. I picked up my M&M/Reece's bulk mix at the grocery store today but put to back before checking out. I haven't even really been hungry.

Monday grades were due and I spent all night getting ready for an ESL parent breakfast party Tuesday morning. I made 100 cupcakes, some lemon bundt thingies and a crumb cake, put together a slide show and generally worried a bunch...

Tuesday I had a doctor's appointment right after school so I didn't head to the gym, and I promised Ryan I'd help him bottle his 2nd batch of homebrew because he'd been my baking assistant the day before. So, there went Tuesday night.

Today (Wednesday)I've spent the night papier mache-ing the bases for 4 pinatas. I'm making the shell for my kids to decorate. They've each come up with an idea for a pinata that illustrates the theme for the books/unit we've been working on. In short, it's a banana tree and a daisy for the 2 groups working on parts of plants, a kite for the group working on wind (energy and weather), and a watermelon for the group working on shapes (our last book was about 'round things').

I'm beat! Next week is the last week of school and I'll be in a much better routine after that, hopefully. In the meantime I'm doing the best I can given crazy circumstances.

Weigh-Day

2009-05-18T05:52:00.004-05:00

After losing every day this week (including yesterday, the day after being sick), I gained 0.8 lbs today. Oh well. It's still a total loss of 5.6 lbs for the week. I'll take it!
I didn't over eat yesterday and I went hiking for a couple hours, so I'm not worried that I did anything 'wrong' that caused a little gain - just a normal fluctuation combined with sleeping really poorly...I usually won't lose if I don't get enough sleep.

Victories for the past week include exercising every day, pushing my limits (even though that didn't turn out so well), no binging, no sugary snacks, generally eating well and drinking enough everyday, studying Spanish when I could, doing pretty well keeping up with the house, feeling like I was accomplishing what I wanted to at work and getting the grades back from my spring semester at UT that maintained my 4.0.

I didn't do everything I wanted, but I didn't get frustrated about that. Very successful week, I think! The only thing that's bugging me is that my anxiety is feeling a bit worse for some reason. I'd think the better diet and exercise would help. Maybe it's something physiological about losing weight that messes with my meds or anxiety levels. I plan on just keeping up what I'm doing, though. I see my doctor tomorrow for a check-up, so I'll ask her about that.

We have 2 weeks left of school and I'm ready to go! I have my lunch and breakfast packed, my clothes for the week laid out, and a to-do list a mile long. First item: average grades.
Better get going!

Getting active! Here I am at the bottom of the big waterfall at Fall Creek Falls, TN yesterday. Scary, rocky hike for me, but I did it!

overdoing it

2009-05-16T06:20:00.005-05:00

When I started eating healthily and working out this Monday I said "I'm doing this Biggest Loser style!". And what I meant was that I wanted to test out the idea that maybe my biggest obstacle is a lack of belief in myself and maybe what I need to do is push past what I think my limits are, work harder and have the experience of doing something I didn't think my body would do. I wanted to work out long and hard and know that I wouldn't die and that nothing terrible would happen.

So, yesterday I did day 2 of the C25K program. I extended it to 30 min. instead of 20, but my running pace is only 5.0 mph. Even though any running is hard for me, that's not a ridiculous pace at all. Then I went on the elliptical for an hour. I felt terrible. I was wiped out and lowered my resistance for the last 10 minutes, but pushed through. At the end I went over to free weights and did shoulder front raises, overhead presses and lateral raises. I felt tired but good that I'd done what I'd planned.

When we were just about to leave I got a little dizzy. Then I got so dizzy that I had to sit down for a minute. I didn't know if I could drive but I just wanted to get home. When I got home I threw up, ate some strawberries and toast (because I thought that might be what I needed), felt terrible for an hour, threw up again and stayed miserable for the next several hours. It was a really rough night. I drank Gatorade and later nibbled a few plain tortellinis and finally feel much better after a good night's sleep.

I know I over-react and am completely paranoid about my health. And I probably shouldn't have Googled the reasons behind post-workout puking and dizziness because I inadvertently came across warnings about having a heart attack. But, even knowing that I overreact and that a lot of people have that experience after pushing too hard, I think that was not worth it for me. If pushing my limits means feeling that terrible for so long after my workout, I'm going to take it a little easier until my endurance is built up again. I'm also thinking about breaking up my workouts into AM and PM sessions and maybe eating a little more before I head to the gym. (yesterday I had an apple and string cheese).

On the schedule for this weekend is walking and biking today (changed from an original plan of a more strenuous gym workout) and hiking tomorrow. I'll probably also do the leg workout section of my Cher tape.

P.S. - I weighed in just now and am at 169 which means I have (maybe) lost 6 pounds since Monday and reached my goal for the week 2 days early! I'm fully aware that it's probably a false low because of last night, that it's possible I'm dehydrated, and that it's likely the scale will go up a bit tomorrow, but it's still fun to see the scale out of the 170s again :)

not fighting myself

2009-05-15T06:24:00.003-05:00

This week has gone really well so far. I already feel like the healthy choices I'm making are becoming a part of my natural routine.

Since I regained all the weight I'd lost, and the last part of that pretty rapidly, I set a goal of losing 6 lbs this week with a Monday weigh day. That's just for the first week back in this thing. So far I've lost 4.6 with 3 more days to go! I'm focused on making long term lifestyle changes, but also on losing the pounds...and I'm comfortable with that as long as I don't get obsessed or down on myself because of a number on the scale. But so far so good!

Every day this week I've had the same breakfast and lunch and that seems to be working well for me. I've had 5.3 oz. non-fat, plain Greek yogurt with strawberries and Ezekiel flax cereal for breakfast, a big salad with either tempeh or garbanzo beans, sunflower seeds and a dressing of 1 tsp. each olive and flaxseed oils, red wine vinegar, basil and pepper for lunch and a different snack and dinner. Monday through Thursday it's been...

Snacks: veggies and hummus, string cheese and apple, banana (and unplanned corn chips with salsa), rice cake with peanut butter and apple
Dinners: steamed veggies, rice and tofu; veggie, cheese and hummus sandwich; leftover steamed veggies and rice with tempeh; cheese and bean quesadilla with roasted veggies

I've exercised everyday too. I want to do about an hour a day but my most important goal is just to move everyday even if it's just a walk in the neighborhood.

Monday: 1 hour on Precor AMT; 20 min. walk around the neighborhood
Tuesday: 30 min. of C25K program day 1; back and biceps; step and abs class (This class nearly killed me!!! But I think I'm going to go back next week)
Wednesday: 53 min. walk in the neighborhood; chest and triceps (could've done better this day but I came home after work to watch the BL finale I'd recorded instead of going to the gym because I was worried I'd hear the outcome...doesn't make much sense - oh well)
Thursday: Cher step aerobics video
Friday: I'm planning to go do a 10 min. abs video now, then after work I'm going to do the 2nd day of the C25K program for 30 min., get on an elliptical for an hour and do a quick shoulder workout

I can't emphasize enough how much of a difference ending the grad-school semester and making the decision to take a break has made for me in terms of healthy decisions! I don't know how I feel about the idea will-power, but my sense is that it can play a small part in helping me to make good decisions in the moment, but that it's no match for feelings of shame, guilt, helplessness or being overwhelmed. I was fighting a losing battle trying to use will-power to push me through a situation that I just wasn't able to handle right now and because I was setting myself up for failure and more importantly, feeling like a failure, I was never going to be able to use 'will power' to have eating/exercising successes.

It's still spring and school's not out, but I feel like I'm setting the foundations for a great, productive summer :)

balanced

2009-05-12T10:22:00.005-05:00

As you know if you've read this page before, I've had a lot of ups and downs this year (mostly downs) and I'm trying to figure out what to do to set things right once and for all. My biggest obstacle is binging, and my biggest binging trigger is feeling shame. It seems to me like people who are happy and fulfilled in their lives and who stay productive and busy (but balanced, NOT overwhelmed) don't participate in those sorts of self-destructive behaviors. So what I've been trying to do is concentrate on being balanced and feeling together. For me, this involves being prepared for work, looking the best I can, being physically active, keeping the house clean and organized, being social, having a creative outlet and doing some sort of self-improvement/studying project.

After I turned in my final last week I went shopping and for the past week I've really been trying to pay attention to the way I look. I've been planning my outfits, which are now composed of clothes that fit me and are not falling apart, the night before. I've been doing my hair and makeup and wearing jewelry.

I've reconnected with some long-lost friends on facebook and through some overdue phone calls and have been trying to be more outgoing at work.

I've started my Rosetta Stone Spanish lessons.

The house is...well....getting there. Not a disaster zone.

Having these things in place sets me up for success. And I'm definitely ready for some success. I've regained the weight I lost last fall and when I weighed in yesterday was back at 175 - a nice, round, restarting number, right? It seemed like as good a day as any to re-focus, I guess! I set a goal of losing 60 pounds and feel totally ready now that I've decided to take the summer (at least) off from grad school. I got my grades from the spring semester this morning and miraculously maintained my 4.0! I have no idea how that happened, but I'm extremely relieved and ready to put the stress of that semester behind me once and for all.

Yesterday and today I planned healthy meals and have been doing well so far with not feeling snacky. Both days I had Greek yogurt with strawberries and Ezekiel cereal for breakfast and a salad with garbanzo beans for lunch. Yesterday's snack was veggies and hummus. Today's is string cheese and an apple. Yesterday's dinner was brown rice, steamed veggies, yeasty tofu and soy vey teriyaki sauce. Today either leftovers or hummus/cheese/veggie sandwiches.

Yesterday I also went to the gym for the first time in a looooong time. I did an hour on the new Precor AMT (?) (half in elliptical motion, half in step motion). Then Ryan and I went for a short (20 min) walk in the evening.
Today I'm planning to start the C25K program, maybe do some weights and then go to a step class at 5:15. It will be my first class ever at the gym :) I'm a little nervous that I'll look stupid, but mostly excited that I'm going to try something new.

Ryan's meeting me at the gym after work. Now that I've set myself up for success and with the two of us committed to a healthy lifestyle together, I'm feeling hopeful that a lot of great changes will take place with my fitness and health this summer.

spree

2009-05-05T06:28:00.002-05:00

Last Friday at 4:30 AM I finally crawled over the finish line of this semester, turned in my papers and collapsed. Whew! I'm so glad that semester is behind me. I was really getting sucked into some sort of abyss of fatigue, stress and self-pity.
I didn't quite start Friday with the lifestyle-makeover-bang I'd hoped to. But, you know, only getting 2 hours of sleep will do that to a girl.

But, Saturday! Saturday was much better. I made a decision that I need to start getting out there and just trying things that I've lacked the confidence to try so far. I'm talking basic things here....I pretty much look like a slob, or at least extremely plain and casual all the time since I've thought I didn't know how to/couldn't dress in a way that was flattering, do makeup, do my hair, etc. I've had a lot of negative self-talk going on for years and that's led me to give up on quite a bit. I think I'll fail at something, so I give up before I start. OR, I plan and plan and plan my life away waiting for 'it' to be perfect before I start. Maybe that means I wait to like my body before I buy clothes or wait to have figured out some magical, perfect meal plan before I change my diet. In terms of appearance, I think my hair will always be frizzy, so I just put it in a ponytail (like that's better?!). I'm a size 16 but also have petite proportions, so I think I won't find clothes that fit and look good, so I buy something with out trying it on and feel embarassed (seriously, that's better?!!)

So, Saturday I decided I wasn't going to wait anymore. I went on a bit of a shopping spree. This happens whenever I decide to bite the bullet and shop. Since I NEVER shop, historically, whenever I do I usually have some sort of revelation about how much I really 'need' and go overboard. Well, this was no exception. I have been rotating the same 3 pairs of ill-fitting, fraying pants day after day along with a pilling sweater, an old, faded zip-up sweatshirt with a broken zipper and miscellaneous other clothes meant for hiding in. So I needed a lot. I got several new jackets, shirts, pants and shoes plus a bunch of cheap, but cute costume jewelry. I had to buy most of it online because of the afore mentioned size conundrum, but that's okay. I went to the department store (best we have in our little town is Kohl's), found out my size and some brands and styles that worked, and ordered the rest at home. Everything should be here by Thursday and I'm super excited!

I got dressed up and went to a retirement party on Saturday, then went to work in another outfit I was proud of yesterday and felt immesurably better than I have been/would've wearing the old duds. I'm sure everyone on Earth has learned this but me, but it really is amazing what wonders it can do for confidence to wear clothes you like! The biggest difference for me is that they aren't too tight, reminding me of my weight gains every second. I can forget about feeling humiliated and down on myself which leads to happier me, which probably leads to less shame/stress-induced bingey behaviors.
I win! :)

impromptu weigh-day

2009-04-28T06:34:00.003-05:00

Ryan weighed this morning heavier than he's ever been. Still not 'fat', but it's a rapid, significant gain & he doesn't feel well. So we decided that even though we've been planning turning things around and making a lot of lifestyle changes with a deadline of Friday after my finals are turned in, that maybe we should make some changes today.

We'd definitely been falling into the trap of "I'm starting healthy habits (insert day coming up soon), so I'll just eat this (insert random unhealthy junk) while I can." After he weighed I said "well, I guess I'll weigh today, too...but I know my body and I weigh 174. I don't even need to get on the scale."But I did so I could have an official # to write down and guess what? 173.6 I really can tell what I weigh with pretty good accuracy...I guess most of us can.

I'm 'this close' to having all my research gathered and organized and will be ready to start writing the papers tonight. Once I have all my ideas down, notes gathered and outline finished it won't take me that long....one or two evenings. I decided to quit grad school, simplify and minimize stress and outside-of-work obligations so I could focus on my health, and I've been soooo looking forward to it. We have a lot of physical activity planned for the weekend and blocks of time scheduled for healthy cooking.

I'm really glad because besides regaining pretty much all of my weight (I started WW at 176 last July) I have had a few mystery ailments pop up & they certainly aren't going to be made better by NON-healthy choices. I'm hoping they'll just magically clear up while I focus on health over the summer, but I think I'm going to have to go to the dr. for one today. I'm dreading getting on that scale...it makes me not want to go because I don't want them writing this # in my chart!!! I know that's silly, but it's how I feel. I'm writing these down so I can document them here for myself, but read on if you're so inclined. :)

#1 - From Sept. through ~Feb. my lips were peeling. I told my doc and we talked about basic things like staying hydrated and wearing chapstick...duh. A week or 2 ago I got some sore or irritation in the corner of my mouth...it got better but then a milder version popped up on the other side. Then my lips got irritated, red and painful including the area around my lips. I stopped using my chapstick and have been using Carmex and it's been a lot better but not great. I don't know if I developed an allergy to chapstick or what...

#2 - For a while now I've had mild, slightly annoying pain or soreness in my left index finger knuckle. I'm right handed and don't do anything with my left hand that should be able to cause a repetitive use injury. Yesterday, all of a sudden, the knuckle got painful and swollen and now it hurts to move it in any direction and it's hard to make a fist with that finger down. I'm not able to type with that finger either, which is really slowing me down. I'm a fast typist and I think while I type, so to have to think about which fingers to use instead distracts me from what I'm typing about. Not so much a problem here, but definitely bothersome for these final papers.

#3 - I'm getting what look like liver spots...a bunch on my lower legs and 2 on my face. I've showed them to my doctor and she doesn't think they're anything to worry about, but they sure ain't cute. :-Z

So...I'm drinking my plain lemon, ginger tea now and am going to eat clean and light today and probably bite the bullet and try to get in to see my doctor about the knuckle. I've really let my body down, but I hope it's not too late to turn it around!

Quick Post

2009-04-22T06:38:00.003-05:00

Note: I tried to post this here yesterday and couldn't figure out why it never showed up. I'm working on putting together a new blog, but am not planning on posting content there for another month or so and I just found it posted over there....hmmmmmm....
Anyway - it was just a quick post - here it is.

I just discovered facebook....I know, I know - I'm behind the times :) But, wow! Wow! The crazy names that pop out from the past! I'm not linking to the blog although for all I know people there will be able to find me here. I don't have it figured out yet. But, it is making me think that if I ever post a link to my blog on my facebook page, that I'll want to think before I type and not just spew out every whiney, stream-of-consciousness nonsense that pops through my brain. Hmmm...Maybe I should do that anyway! So many people are there from so many different areas and times in my life. It could feel a little exposing.

It's definitely a time stealer, too. I should stay away until this final paper is finished. I'm still procrastinating with that, but feeling slightly less hopeless.I'm waaaaay happier since I decided to give grad school a break - good decision, I think. Off to work!

on hold/holding on

2009-04-13T09:51:00.003-05:00

I'm in the final few weeks of this semester. I'm sick again. I've been having anxiety spikes after cutting my meds for that in half. I'm having a super rough time with my final papers. I haven't been bingey, but haven't been great either and the only exercise I've been getting is through cleaning and walks.

I've made a decision. I swear I used to be able to multi-task, but the degree to which I keep getting derailed from my routine and goals this year and the frequency with which I'm getting sick is freaking me out. My body is clearly sending me messages that I need to simplify and prioritize. So, I'm putting grad school on hold indefinitely after I finish my final papers over the next 2 weeks.

I've known that I'm overwhelmed, run-down, stressed out and pretty much losing it for months now, and I finally decided that I couldn't just push through and ignore it. I sat down and thought hard about my priorities and what I want long and short term...what's really important and what I'm willing to sacrifice to get it.

What I came up with is this. My top three priorities are my kids at school, my health and my family, friends and daily life...like keeping organized, keeping the house clean - just the baseline things that are essential for me to have a reasonably happy existance that involves the people I love.
My fourth priority is my future growth in terms of education, career, and other development. This includes grad school, going for my NBTS certification, and other 'optional' things that I sometimes think are essential like spending time on crafts, learning new skills, etc.

What I realized is that I have been letting the thing that's fourth on my list of priorities prevent me from doing well the things that are in the top three. That's just silly. Doesn't make any sense at all.

So, until I feel that I'm doing my kids justice, my health is under control and my daily home and family life is supported by a stable, healthy routine, that 4th priority is going to have to wait.
It's a big load off to finally have made that decision. It's a difficult and emotional one for me since it's been so long in the making and I was so proud to finally be on my way to those goals after crashing and burning as an undergrad and gradually working my way back through straight A's in my first Master's and in my ESL certification. But I know by the sense of peace that I've had since I made that decision that it's the right one.

The next few weeks are going to be difficult and hectic while I finish this semester up, but as soon as it's through I have at least 3 months, even if I do decide to go back to UT in the fall, to focus on those priorities. With the summer off from work and school, 2 of those months will be without the daily work schedule. I, of course, will need to work to get ready for the next school year, but I won't have to be anywhere specific at any exact time to do that work.

I'm going to focus on diet, exercise, greening our lives (composting, gardening, making cleaning products, cooking from scratch, etc.), learning Spanish, reading some books on teaching reading and writing, making unit plans for next year, researching ways others school systems have improved ESL parent involvement, and reading, reading, reading. I'm really excited. This will be the first summer I've had completely off - no work, no school since I started teaching besides the summer my dad died which was, of course, hectic and un-relaxing in its own horrible way.

If I get rehired next year at the same school I've been at for the last 2 years (it's always up in the air with ESL) I'll be so thrilled. I drove by the site where they're rebuilding our school and it's an easy bike ride no more than a mile from my house. How awesome would that be to ride to and from work every day?! I'm so hoping that I get to go back there and really work on strengthening my ties with the parents and other teachers now that I'll have made the time to focus on that.

I'm so ready for this shift. It feels good to know I'm stopping fighting myself and starting to do what's simplest, healthiest and best for me right now. I just have to keep telling myself to push through these papers and that the sooner I finish them, the sooner I can get started on this new path. It's super difficult to push through when you're sick and burned out, but I know I can do it and it will be so worth it to get to this new place.

weekly prep

2009-04-05T22:58:00.007-05:00

Ryan and I spent a lot of time this weekend going over 5 of our cookbooks, picking out recipes that sound good and planning for the week.

I'm going to take a cue from Toni at The Happy Housewife and plan dinners for the month ahead of time - not specifically what I'm going to eat everyday, but a list of meals that I will choose from at the beginning of each week. I love the simple food we eat, but it will be good for us to try new things. We're going to do this Monday through Friday because Ryan wants to leave room for spontaneity on the weekends and that's cool with me.

I'm still sticking with that general shell I talked about that serves as a guide for planning the nutritional content of the day. For example, before I planned the specifics for tomorrow I knew that I'd be having a smoothie for breakfast, a sandwich with some kind of bean spread and veggies for lunch, fruit and nuts for snack and a salad with tofu or tempeh and a grain for dinner.

I have my list divided into tempeh/tofu dishes, bean/legume dishes, and miscellaneous (grains, veggies, sides, soups without beans or tempeh, etc.) I don't have all the meals for this month chosen yet, but I do have this week planned. I'll post the 20 days of dinners when I can. We decided to make things easier that we would choose one grain for the week and make it on Sunday. This week I made 8 servings of quinoa for use in 3 recipes and to have plain with my salad tomorrow.

Breakfasts: fruit, yogurt, protein powder, flaxseed oil, E3Live and cran-water smoothies x2; greek yogurt with 1/4 c. Ezekiel flax cereal, banana and almonds x2; steel cut oats with apple, almond butter and cinnamon

Lunches: bagel, cheese, chick pea spread and veggie sandwich with raw veggies; leftover corn chowder and cold bean salad (from Sunday's dinner); leftover yeasty tofu, quinoa and veggie stir-fry (from Tuesday's planned dinner); leftover curried quinoa with peas, garbanzo beans and cashews with raw veggies (from Wednesday's dinner); salad with garbanzo beans

Snacks: apple or grapes & 1/2 oz. nuts x2; raw veggies & chick pea spread; light string cheese and light Wasa crackers; fruit alone

Dinners: salad with baked tempeh, sunflower seeds and veggies with quinoa x2; yeasty tofu, veggie and quinoa stir fry; curried quinoa with peas, garbanzo beans and cashews; spicy quinoa and potato croquettes with szechuan tofu triangles

Desserts: tea; hot cocoa; fruit and almond butter; fruit and tea; popcorn

I'm excited to start actually using my cookbooks, helping out in the kitchen and trying new things. I do want to track the nutritional info on these new things, but am entering the home stretch of this semester of grad school and will probably not have time to do much else than work on my research papers this week when I'm not at school.

Right now I need to get some readings done for tomorrow's class so I can get to bed!
I'm not ready for the week like I want to be, but at least my meals are packed for tomorrow, the laundry's done and put away and the house isn't a complete disaster zone.

Here's a few pics of prepping corn chowder, chick pea spread, baked tempeh and quinoa for the week.

trying to get it right

2009-03-31T06:08:00.003-05:00

Meh...
I thought I did really well yesterday, but I entered my food on SparkPeople this morning and I'm STILL getting too much fat (64 g. when my recommended max is 56). According to the goals they set up for me I'm also slightly too low on carbs and too high on fiber, but probably not enough to be worrisome.
Printable Nutrition Report

It is helpful for me to enter my food and get that feedback though - otherwise I wouldn't have realized that my 4 oz. of tempeh had 8 g. of fat! I wouldn't have even thought to factor that in as a fat source. Seeing what I eat all laid out in front of me helps me understand where the little bits of fat are coming from and how they add up (4 g. in the crackers, 2 in the lowfat yogurt, 2 in the protein powder, 3 in the hummus, etc.)

The problem I'm still having with fat is trying to integrate these recommendations I hear about oil and still not go over. I'm trying to get 1 tbsp. each of flaxseed oil and olive oil, which is 28 g. of fat right there. I'm also trying to eat seeds or nuts regularly. I only had 1/2 an oz. but that's another 7 g.

I wrote about this last week or the week before, but I think I still need to search for another source of long-chain omega-3s that is lower in fat. And maybe I'll cut down on the olive oil, although it's going to be hard to get less than 2 tsp. if I use it for cooking and in my salad dressing...

I woke up at 4 AM from a nightmare and that spiked my anxiety which somehow led to me lying awake worrying about my health instead of doing what's good for my health and resting!
I'm already planning a nap later when I get home from work.

Even though I didn't feel ready, it was so great to be back at work and see my kids yesterday. They were so excited when I came to pick them up and were hyper and huggy and a little clingy all day. With the standardized testing nonsense we'd been doing before break I hadn't really had classes with them consistently for a month, so they were relieved to get back to normal.
Such angels :)
I really am lucky to have that job and be in their lives. I want to get my health together for me but for them too - as an example and as a more energetic teacher.

Oh the horror of weigh day!

2009-03-30T07:13:00.002-05:00

169.4 this morning. Yup...mmhmmm....sounds about right after last week. Even when I stopped binging on Friday I still ate crap.
Okay, then.

In other, better news, food for the day is packed and meals for the week are mostly planned. My work for the week (grad school) is NOT done, but I plan to take care of that today.
I made a sort of outline of meals that I'm going to try to stick with for at least a month...it doesn't tell me what specific dishes we're having, but has broader categories like 'bean soup' or 'tempeh/veggie dish'. It outlines the main nutritional components I should choose so I know that whatever specifics I choose at the beginning of the week I'll be on target for protein, fat, carbs, fruit, veggies, etc. Should be close on calories too without too much specific planning.

I made oatmeal, walnut, chocolate chip cookies last night (some with butterscotch) but sent 3/4 of them with Ryan to work.

Stayed up too late last night trying to choose a topic for my final papers (I'm choosing one topic for both classes so my research will overlap and be kinder with time demands on me), then trying to choose an article to represent that topic for the rest of the students in my Thursday class to read before then, then wrestling with the printer to scan it in so I could send it. I actually thought it would take me 15 minutes, but it wound up somehow taking 2 1/2 hours!

So, this morning I was all set to be early and now I'm late to my first day back at work after spring break.
Better get a move on.

turning it around

2009-03-27T23:11:00.003-05:00

Wow. This week was fantasticly horrid. Bingey and stress-filled and just bad. I was worried about classes at UT and stressed about it all week. Monday's class was fine even though I wasn't prepared. Thursday's class was a huge, anxious train-wreck.
Ug. I don't want to talk about it.
Every day I'd feel sick at the end of the day and feel SURE that I would turn things around the next morning. And every morning (Tuesday through today - Friday), I'd fall apart before noon.

Today was going similarly, but I decided to change course midway through the day.
I showered, put on make up, got dressed and drove to Nashville where Ryan was attending the ASCE (civil engineering) conference. I hung out with other adult humans which is a sadly rare occurence these days, cheered on teams and ate a salad for dinner.

I have a pretty unpleasant stomach ache right now even though I finished my peanut M&Ms 11 hours ago - I can't believe it's my first one of the week - I totally deserve it. But, I feel really good about stopping the badness and confident about tomorrow.

I'm going back to Nashville to get my hair cut and colored and meet up with Ryan and his engineer friends again. I also need to get some work finished, clean up and get a bit of exercise in. I'm going to start cleaning right now - at least the kitchen - so that tomorrow morning I won't have hours of work to do.

Grilling - just pics

2009-03-22T20:49:00.011-05:00

veggie prep

veggies on the grill

Ryan - hard at work grilling potatoes

Finished! Yummmmmm
counter-clockwise from bottom left: BBQ tempeh, teriyaki tofu, shiitakes, potatoes, sweet potatoes, ciabatta sandwich with roasted veggies, avocado, goat cheese, feta cheese, pesto, balsamic vinegar and marinated tempeh (marinated in oil, vinegar, garlic, salt and pepper)

yikes

2009-03-22T09:00:00.006-05:00

Yesterday unraveled a bit, but it's still not bingey and that's still my measure of good or bad.
I wasn't hungry at all in the morning, so I skipped breakfast which turned out well because I had a huge lunch.
That was the one thing I entered in SparkPeople before I stopped keeping track and it added up to 750 calories with the veggie burger, fake bacon, bun, cheese, sweet potato for fries, olive oil for cooking those (now I know I could've used less), etc...
The rest of the day I didn't photograph or count too closely....
There was a potato chip, um, incident and I have no idea how much I had. I'm trying to see how much is left in the bag this morning and Ryan's trying to remember how much of them he ate, but it's a guess at best. I tried to recreate the food journal this morning and I think I had ~2,100 calories and about double the fat I should've.
I had a very light dinner of leftover brown rice, steamed veggies and tofu (about half as much as last night), but then had a glass of wine and Ryan and I sampled a few of our chocoaltes (Indian curry/coconut, dark with almonds and dark with cocoa nibs).

With the chocolate and cheese this is the first day I've gone over my saturated fat limit. And with the chips, this is the first day (I think) that I've gone over in sodium.
Maybe I should be more upset at my choices, but that's life and it's going to happen and I'm moving on. I was very crave-y all day and had to run out to Walmart by myself for something, but got what I was there for (a funnel and rubbing alcohol for Ryan's home brew experiment) and nothing else - no junk food. Small victory.

We have a good day planned today - eating and otherwise. Ryan's mom and aunt Mary are coming to visit Ryan for his 25th birthday. His birthday was actually a month ago but this is the first weekend that everyone's been in town and off work since.
I'm obviously not hungry for breakfast.
For lunch we're grilling out. We're going to make a salad and try to recreate the yummy roasted veggie panini sandwich Ryan had at Greenlife in Asheville last weekend. We got a bunch of different cheeses but are probably going to use goat cheese. We're using ciabatta bread so it'll be a little different, but good.
I'm off to look up marinades for the eggplant and portobello mushrooms and then try to get some studying done before they arrive.
:)

spring cleaning

2009-03-21T08:13:00.003-05:00

Well, it was slow going, but I spent the last 2 days on and off and on and off cleaning and I'm pretty much finished! I reorganized the pantry and fridge, took things off shelves to dust and clean underneath, did all the laundry, straightening, organizing, windows, scrubbing - everything. I just have to mop and clean the humidifier (to put away) and the dehydrater (to start using) and I'm finished! I love having a clean house. I feel like it sets a good foundation for feeling in control of my environment and myself. Plus, it can only help me going off allergy pills.
I'm about to head to the post office to mail in my tax forms, too. I'm getting a big return which will be very helpful whatever I decide to do with it...probably save for next year's tuition if I stay in this program.

On the eating front, I got a little snacky yesterday and went over my calories, but it wasn't unhealthy snacking (except for the amount of almond butter) and it wasn't bingey so I'm okay with it.

Breakfast: Smoothie with 1/4 c. raspberries, 4 strawberries, 1 tbsp. flaxseed oil, 1/2 cup lowfat plain yogurt, 1/2 c. diluted, unsweetened cranberry juice and protein powder. (I cut the amount of cran-water I'd been using in half and blended at a slower speed for less volume and fewer bubbles)
Lunch: MorningStar Farms ginger teriyaki patty, 3 veggie pot stickers, 1/2 c. edamame, 1 tbsp. Soy Vey teriyaki
Snacks: 1) rice cake with apple and 2 tbsp. almond butter; 2) 19 brown rice thins with 2 tbsp. hummus (this would've been fine to have 2 snacks since I skipped my popcorn dessert IF I had only had 1 tbsp. almond butter...oh well)
Dinner: ate very late - that's probably why I still feel full this morning - had 1/4 block of tofu made with soy sauce, nutritional yeast and 1/2 tsp. olive oil, ~1 c. steamed veggies, 1/2 c. brown rice, sauteed shiitake mushrooms with garlic and another 1/3 tsp. olive oil, more nutritional yeast on top; multi-vitamin

Totals:
1,716 calories
66 g. fat
204 g. carbs
81 g. protein
26 g. fiber
2,076 mg. sodium

Note on vitamins & supplements:
I'm still low on calcium even though I had tofu and yogurt and took my mulit - I was at 90% of RDA. I hate milk and don't really want to have too much more dairy from cheese. So I probably need to start taking my cal-mag.
I've also been tracking vitamin D since it was suggested to me (by my mom?) that I might have a deficiency, and although I get plenty in my multi, not once has vitamin D shown up in any food I've eaten this week...and I'm hardly ever in the sun...not good. I looked it up and vitamin D is in fish and foods that are fortified with it...I don't have any foods fortified with it and I don't eat fish.
However, I have been thinking about starting to take a fish oil supplement. I've been reading a bit on how vegetarians get long chain Omega-3s and I took Dr. Weil's vitamin advisor quiz. According to him, I can get short chain Omega-3s from flaxseeds, walnuts, hempseeds and I don't know what else and I can get long chains from algae, but it's not converted efficiently by my body. I thought I was doing okay by getting my tbsp. of flaxseed oil each day, but maybe I'm not. I'm going to look into that a little more. I'm not a vegetarian because I think it's wrong to eat animals, I'm veggie because I think the way animals are abused and degraded by a factory system of production is immoral. So I'm open to taking fish oil supplements if I'm convinced it's what my body needs and I can find a good source...not sure what 'good source' means to me but I'll think about it. I'm definitely more comfortable taking an algae supplement if I need to...I just need more information.

Happy weekend!

daily weigh ins

2009-03-20T09:50:00.005-05:00

I've been weighing everyday and I think I have to stop or learn not to worry about it so much. On Tuesday and Wednesday I lost, but then I gained Thursday. I lost again today but not down to Tuesday's #. I'm not sure why....I'm diligently tracking everything I eat and staying in my range. I exercised by walking Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday - I missed yesterday but cleaned & organized the house almost the whole day, so at least I was active.
It's pretty deflating to do everything right and see those numbers on the scale go up, so I think I might just weigh Mondays and leave it alone.

I think my brain is adjusting to trying to focus on health rather than quick weight loss. I can remember in the past losing half a pound a day....but the thing is, I never kept it up, always gained it back, etc... Now I'm hoping to lose 1-2 pounds a week, but more importantly to improve my long and short-term health, and feel happier and more active. Before, I always JUST wanted to be skinny. So - I'm trying to change my state of mind, but am partially still expecting the same quick results I'd get briefly before. I logically know that my weight will fluctuate due to differences in hydration, elimination, time of day or whatever, but since I have such huge guilt and shame issues with my body, seeing a number go up triggers something bad there.

After feeling great and having an easy time sticking to my meal plans the first 3 days of the week, I struggled a little yesterday and I'm not sure why, but one possibility is the disappointment about that stupid #. (I also got less sleep, was worried about how much time my organization projects were taking and was starting to stress about school work - plus I had cocoa Wednesday night after not having any sugar for 2 weeks, so that could've triggered something I suppose).

My calories and other #s actually turned out fine. I'm still labeling this a 'good day' (I have so many more posts labeled good days than 'bad day' now! It's nice to see. For a long while they were neck and neck). At the end of the day the only difference between the plan and what I ate was that I had 2 flatbread crackers instead of fruit. Fat was better because I didn't have a smoothie or salad with 1 tbsp. of flaxseed oil - which isn't really something I want to make a habit of. Here's the rundown.

Breakfast: 1 c. lowfat plain yogurt with 1 banana, 1/4 c. Ezekiel flax cereal and 10 almonds
Lunch: 'leftover' gobbetti whole wheat pasta (3/4 c. dry), 3 meatless meatballs, 1/2 c. Amy's tomato basil sauce, 1 c. broccoli (boiled with pasta for 2 min.), lemon juice and 1 tbsp. parmesan. (Actually, I didn't make enough for leftovers Wednesday so I just made the same thing)
Snack: 2 multigrain flatbread crackers and 12 cashews (no picture)
Dinner: leftover split pea soup with 5 pieces tempeh and 1 slice Ezekiel sesame toast with 1 tsp. olive oil and nutritional yeast; 5 carrots and 1 c. raw, red cabbage (not pictured)
No dessert

Totals:
1,515 calories
44 g. fat
210 g. carbs
69 g. protein
43 g. fiber
2,219 mg. sodium

Printable Nutrition Report

I will be productive today!

2009-03-19T06:20:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I took my anxiety meds as normal and was promptly knocked on my butt for 2 hours feeling horribly dizzy, tingly and nauseous. I had these symptoms when I first went on them almost a year ago, but they hadn't shown up in awhile - only if I don't eat before I take them. But yesterday I had that nice, big bowl of steel cut oats, apples and almond butter first...so it didn't make sense.
I'm trying to get my intake as clean as possible so I went off my allergy meds (haven't noticed much of a difference) and birth control pills (started Fertility Awareness Method) this week - one or the other of them must've been interacting with the anxiety pills in some way. I went off my asthma meds a couple months ago and haven't noticed a difference. My asthma has been really mild for years now and I don't have problems unless it's extremely hot or cold or I'm otherwise sick in a way that affects my lungs.
So - I called my doctor & cut my dose back, but in the meantime it seriously put a damper on my planned productive morning.

Today I got up at 5:15 with Ryan, made his lunch (since I made a mess in the kitchen, didn't clean up and didn't want him to have to deal with it), and now I'm going to have my tea and get right to work before I eat or take that pill.

Yesterday was the 3rd day of eating my pre-planned meals (seems longer) and it went well!
I'm still too high on fat and fiber...should've replaced my celery and guacamole snack with crackers or something...it's a funny dilemma to have, but as a vegetarian, trying to avoid going too low on calories and trying to eat fewer processed foods most of my choices are either higher in fat or fiber than I necessarily need. Hmmm....I have some low-fat string cheese...that might be a good option. Maybe more yogurt is in order, except I usually try to get the plain and add my own fruit and other toppings to stay away from the sugar in most fruit-flavored yogurts - so that makes it become more of a meal than a snack. I'll figure it out.

I needed to pick up my car from getting worked on, and Ryan wasn't going to get home before they closed. I didn't want to bother anyone else for a ride and I still needed to get in my exercise, so I walked! It took me an hour and 20 minutes, my pedometer says it was 9,550 steps and I think it was ~3.5 miles. It was sunny and windy and on a busy street, so it wasn't the most relaxing or enjoyable walk, but I'm really glad I did it.

Here's the journal:
Breakfast: 1/4 c. (dry) steel cut oats cooked with 1 apple; topped with cinnamon and 1 tbsp. almond butter
Lunch: salad with romaine, red cabbage, red pepper, carrots, cucumber, 2 tbsp. sunflower seeds, 1 tsp. olive oil, 1 tsp. flaxseed oil, 2 tbsp. balsamic vinegar and 1/2 serving of szechuan smoked sprouted tofu
Snack: 2 celery stalks; guacamole (1/2 avocado, lime juice, salt, garlic powder)
Dinner: gobbetti shaped whole wheat pasta (3/4 c. dry), 1/2 c. Amy's tomato basil pasta sauce, 3 Veggie Patch meatless meatballs, steamed broccoli (3/4 c.), lemon juice, 1 tbsp. parmesan cheese
Dessert: huge mug of hot chocolate (4 tsp. Green & Black's hot chocolate powder, 1 c. vanilla soy milk, filled the rest with hot water)

Totals:
1,426 calories
60 g. fat
172 g. carbs
58 g. protein
42 g. fiber
2,179 mg. sodium

Details:
Printable Nutrition Report

I heart spring break

2009-03-18T07:21:00.003-05:00

Aaaahhhh....relaxation :)
It was so nice spending the day with Ryan yesterday.
We went for a walk, went shopping for the rest of his homebrew supplies, ran errands and watched Matrix Reloaded (I hadn't seen any but the 1st one...apparently I'm a little slow).

The only negative was, remember how his car needed $900 of work done in it last week? Well, I took mine in for 60,000 mile service (it's over 120,000 mi.) and it needs $1,000! I knew this one would hurt - I think last time I had the 60,000 mile service it was $600-$700....but it's older now and needed more done. Ug. That's pretty brutal.
I really need my car to be reliable though, so I told them to go ahead and do it. I've never had 1 thing go wrong with that car mechanically - it's been great. It's pretty beat up physically from a deer running into it years ago (I swear! I didn't hit it! It ran right into the side of my car...I cried and cried and cried...I'm too sensitive for the country...anyway...)...and 2 of the windows don't roll down...but in terms of getting me from place to place, I've never had a problem and that's the most important thing. I figure, even $1000 if it's just every few years is better than having a car payment again.

The walk was my exercise - 45 minutes (~4500 steps)
For diet, I planned my whole week ahead of time without checking nutritional info first. I just sort of guessed at what I thought would be about right. So - yesterday I ate what I'd planned to except a piece of fruit I wasn't hungry for at dessert-time. But, it didn't turn out the best nutritionally. I went a little over on calories over on fat, over on fiber (probably not a big deal), and came up to the maximum of my sodium intake. I learned how easy it is to eat too much fat when I wasn't paying attention - especially since I'm trying to get in 1 tbsp. each of flaxseed oil and olive oil each day for health reasons...when doing that I really can't have, for example, nuts or almond butter AND guacamole on the same day. Yesterday I had chips, guacamole and cheese...can't do that apparently. Like I said yesterday - I'm not sweating it too much if I get too much fat because of flaxseed oil, tofu, nuts and avocado (Omega-3, mono- and poly-unsaturated)...but I do need to watch the cheese and chips.

I can't tell you how much I'm loving planning all my meals, snacks, everything ahead of time for the week. I have a super-anxious personality and I feel like this takes some pressure off for some reason...and I never remember ahead of time what I'd planned, so I feel like I get a happy surprise each day. My real test will be when my stress level rises again for whatever reason...that's when the cravings start - but I think planning ahead and having something specific to look forward to every few hours really does help me combat that. It's a good thing to get into the habit during these 2 weeks of spring break. Maybe that will help it stick later.

Breakfast: smoothie with frozen berries, protein powder, 1 tbsp. flaxseed oil, diluted and unsweetened cranberry juice, and 1/2 c. low-fat, plain yogurt
Lunch: leftover split pea soup with tempeh; Ezekiel sesame toast w/1 tsp. olive oil and nutritional yeast; raw baby carrots and red cabbage
Snack: 2 tbsp. roasted red pepper hummus with raw celery and baby carrots
Dinner: 2 corn tacos with cheddar cheese, mixed beans, a mixture of romaine, red cabbage, vinegar, & olive oil, and hot sauce (Wizard's Hot Stuff - my favorite...actually not hot at all); guacamole (1/2 avocado, lime juice, salt, & garlic powder); 1 serving tortilla chips (10 chips)

Totals:
1,602 calories
71 g. fat
173 g. carbs
68 g. protein
42 g. fiber
2,230 mg. sodium

here's the full details: Printable Nutrition Report

tracking calories

2009-03-17T08:23:00.006-05:00

Yesterday went well.
I planned ahead for the whole week, so I'm excited about what's coming up - I think Diet Girl wrote a post about this recently...or maybe it was in her book....I don't know, but either way, she's right on. I can definitely see how having a planned, nutritious, yummy meal to look forward to would curb cravings.
I felt satisfied and happy with everything I ate yesterday, it was all good for me, and the calories were evenly spaced out so my energy stayed up. I'm so glad I have the time while I'm on spring break to track nutritional info. I'm starting to record that info for foods I eat frequently so that I won't have to spend so much time looking it up and so I'll have a better sense of how to plan my days when I'm not on break.

Yesterday I walked for 40+ minutes for exercise.
Food Journal -
Breakfast: 6 oz. plain, nonfat, Chobani Greek yogurt with 1/4 c. Ezekiel flax cereal, 1 banana and 7 almonds (347 cal., 6 g. fat, 55 carbs, 25 g. protein)
Lunch: Romaine salad with peas, carrots, red pepper, red cabbage, 2 tbsp. sunflower seeds, 2 oz. peanut ginger tofu and dressing with 2 tbsp. balsamic vinegar, 1 tsp. flaxseed oil and 1 tsp. olive oil with seasonings (345 cal., 22 g. fat, 25 carbs, 14 g. protein)
Snack: 1 oz. cheddar cheese, 9 rice crackers, 1 flax multigrain flatbread cracker (220 cal., 11 g. fat, 20 g. carbs, 9 g. protein)
Dinner: Split pea soup with potatoes, celery, parsley, and tempeh baked with olive oil; also split the rest of the cornbread from Greenlife with Ryan (368 cal., 11 g. fat, 53 g. carbs, 9 g. protein)
Dessert: apple with 1 tbsp. almond butter (183 cal., 10 g. fat, 24 g. carbs, 3 g. protein)

Totals: 1,462 calores, 60 g. fat (36.5%), 177 g. carbs (47.4%), 60 g. protein (16.1%), 30 g. fiber

So - pretty good except a little high on the fat - that's always where I'm off. I am going to try to watch that, but I'm not stressing too much because it's all 'good fat' except from the cheese.

Printable Nutrition Report

Today I'd planned to clean all day and watch some of my recorded shows from Monday, but Ryan's home sick, so I'll just clean up and then see what he feels up to. He almost fell asleep in the shower and was so dizzy he could barely stand. He's sleeping now. I think he's just exhausted, so it's a good thing we have nutritious meals planned and I'm home to take care of chores. His eating has been pretty bad lately, he hasn't had time for exercise and he has an hour and 15 min. commute to and from work everyday - I think all that's catching up with him. He was always super skinny, so never had to think about calories or 'diet'. I've always been heavier than I wanted to be (although now I'm kicking myself for hating my 135 pound body all those years and 30 pounds ago), but at least all that obsessing and worrying about my health and weight translates to a good understanding of nutrition now. I guess that's a benefit for all us serial dieters if we can channel it for good.

I'm so glad we have DVR now. I love my tv but can't justify all the time I'd spend watching it if I couldn't do chores at the same time and fast forward through commercials. (I probably still can't justify it, but that's not changing today)

I watch House, 24 and Medium and they're all on the same night, so I record them. I also watch CSI and usually record 18 Kids and Counting, Ace of Cakes, and sometimes watch other cooking shows like Iron Chef. I also sometimes watch Jon & Kate + 8, but I don't know what happened to that show - Jon and Kate seem different now - always angry and really short with the kids - and the kids are picking up on the adults' conflict resolution 'techniques', so it gets on my nerves. I know that's judgmental and they're probably great parents who are tired of having cameras around, but it just seems like the show was more fun to watch before Kate, especially, became a different person because of the success of the show. Hmmm...maybe I should stop watching if I'm going to be negative :)

Okay - I get a smoothie this morning :) Mmmmmm

Weigh-Day & Greenlife haul

2009-03-16T07:41:00.004-05:00

163.8 this morning.
Down from 165.4 last Monday for a loss of 1.6 pounds.
Total loss of 12.2 pounds.
I exercised very lightly this week and didn't count calories - just tried to eat well. So, I'm happy with that :)
It's still a part of those same 5-10 pounds that I keep gaining and losing over and over again, but a loss is a loss and I'll take it! Plus - I haven't had any bad (i.e. bingy and careless) eating days for 10 full days now and I feel tons better - just happier and lighter and more energetic and hopeful.

We're back from Asheville and I'm officially on spring break and loving it! I slept in an extra 2 hours until 7:30 this morning and that feels great. I have our meals planned for the week already and I think that will help me stay on track.

Yesterday (3/15) I exercised for 30 min. on the elliptical at level 8 out of 25. I've noticed that I'd been getting headaches after I work out strenuously and I thought that might be because my heart rate is getting too high. So - yesterday I checked every once in awhile and I think I was right. I'm going to take it a little easier than my body feels like it wants to and keep an eye on that until it gets better. If I get day-long headaches every time I work out I don't think I'll be very motivated to do it, so - slow and steady seems like the way to go. Anway...yesterday's journal...

Breakfast: apple and 60 cal. light & fit strawberry yogurt at the hotel (if you're not used to eating aspartame, which I haven't had in a long while, it is really over-sweet and chemically tasting and pretty gross...but it was the best choice I felt I had)
Lunch: I thought we'd order pizza at the homebrew lesson but that must just be for the longer classes (ours was just 4 hours - some are 5-6), so I didn't eat lunch until 4-ish. I had a handful of raw cashews in the car and then at Greenlife (grocery store) I had tofu, steamed veggies, a small piece of cornbread and a piece of Ryan's super yummy roasted veggie panini (~2"x2")
Other: No dinner or snack because when we got home it was too late to eat. But I did have a taste of one of the new crackers we got from Greenlife (just 1 bite); and I tried one of my new teas (plain - no sugar, milk, etc.) - Moroccan Orange Spice. Good!

We got a huge haul of groceries at Greenlife - sooooo expensive :(
But we got great stuff and a lot of it was staples that we shouldn't have to buy again for months. I got a bunch of good quality dark chocolate because I feel like I can have a really small amount and satisfy a sweet tooth so it doesn't turn into an out of control craving. I got hot cocoa for the same reason. I only plan to have either about twice a week. All together the chocolate haul should last a month. (famous last words?) So - here's what we bought...

- tons of veggies (cabbage, broccoli, romaine, cucumber, red pepper, celery, squash, garlic shitakes, asparagus (just Ryan), parsley, sweet potatoes, garlic, English peas and kale)
- fruit (bag of apples, pears, bananas, lemons, limes, and avocado)
Vegenaise (vegan mayonaise - really good, although I never liked mayo, so I can't say if it's a good substitute)
teriyaki baked tofu
peanut ginger baked tofu
extra firm tofu (2 blocks)
tempeh (2 pound block)
garlic herb almond cheese
cheddar cheese
coconut oil
ketchup
bulk tamari (wheat free soy sauce)
Amy's tomato basil pasta sauce (my favorite but it's ~$7!!! So I only get it maybe twice a year)
brown rice cakes
brown rice thins (crackers) x2
multigrain flatbread
pasta (gobbetti shape, whole wheat)
rice noodle soup packets x4 (1 lemongrass chili, 1 garlic veg, 1 thai ginger, 1 Bangkok curry)
dried apricots (just Ryan)
dried figs (just Ryan)
raw almonds
raw cashews
dried pinto beans
dried kidney beans
dried black beans
dried split peas
large container of Nancy's low-fat plain yogurt (Just me)
2 Stonyfield Farms strawberries and cream yogurt (just Ryan)
2 Stonyfield Farms French vanilla yogurt (just Ryan)
Siggi's "Icelandic style skyr - strained, nonfat yogurt" - orange and ginger (just me)
Chobani non-fat, plain Greek yogurt (just me)
4 Yogi Herbal Teas (Moroccan Orange Spice, Lemon & Ginger, Berry Antioxidant, and Mexican Sweet Pepper - I'm anxious to try that one!)
Earl Grey tea (just Ryan)
Green & Black's hot chocolate
Vosges Naga Bar (half ounce chocolate bar, 41% cacao, "sweet Indian curry powder, coconut flakes, deep milk chocolate")
Lake Champlain Chocolates - peppermint crunch dark chocolate, 54% cocoa
Theo 84% cacao chocolate from Ghana
Rapunzel dark chocolate with almonds - 55% cocoa
Equal Exchange "dark chocolate with pure cocoa nibs" 68% cacao

and that's it!
pretty much all organic...maybe all - not sure.
Of course I forgot carrots and coconut milk...it's so annoying when you do a big, expensive shopping trip and forget 1 or 2 little things...oh well.
I'm off to see what's on my meal plan today. Something yummy I'm sure :)

March 14 food journal

2009-03-15T07:09:00.003-05:00

Really quick journal - we're at the hotel in Asheville and Ryan's anxious to get to breakfast, but I want to get this down before I forget.

Breakfast: 3 veggie links with potatoes, hot sauce, salt and other seasonings. (Ryan made the potatoes - so good! - he added cumin seeds, smoked paprika, and garlic)

Lunch: apple, baby carrots and more potatoes (snacks on the road). Total with the potatoes at breakfast I probably had 3/4 of a white potato and 2 small red potatoes

Dinner: out for Japanese (not my favorite, but it makes Ryan happy) 1 piece of an "Altenderfer roll" with tempeh, avocado, almond butter and maple syrup; 1 piece of a "veggie futomaki" with avocado, cucumber, broccoli and smoked tofu; 2 veggie gyoza dumplings; 3 pieces of spicy garlic tofu; 4 pieces of tempura (2 squash, 1 carrot, 1 broccoli); brown rice (maybe 1/2 cup); 3 pieces steamed broccoli; soy sauce; barley tea (mild and earthy and weird)

Later: 1 glass white wine

Today we have our beer-making lesson.
I'm going to try to get a workout in at the hotel before that :) It's raining so we'd just as soon stay here than walk around Asheville today.

I feel like I'm going to have a loss on Monday's weigh-in. Feeling lighter :)

not weigh day

2009-03-14T08:06:00.002-05:00

I've moved my weigh day to Monday to provide some extra motivation over the weekends. I think when I initially set my weigh day as Saturday a part of me wasn't wanting weekend eating to effect weigh ins...I know it all works out the same and doesn't really matter, but maybe it'll provide a psychological boost.
That being said, I did weigh in this morning because I've been doing that most mornings and I'm down a pound from last Monday. Up .4 from yesterday which, I think, is because I ate much, much later than usual. So, I weigh 164.4 but it's not 'official' until Monday :)

I feel like I've had a great week! I haven't had sugar in 8 days, I've been journaling when I remember and I'm starting to remember to take pics. I've remembered my multi a few days, been good about water and fruits and veggies. I've been walking just a little in the neighborhood. I plan to step that up quite a bit this week. Today we're going back to Asheville because we didn't get to do Ryan's beer homebrew lesson last time when he got sick - this time will actually be better because it's for beginners. But, I hope to get plenty of exercise walking around there as long as it doesn't rain all day...which it very well might. Sigh... It's all good though.

Here's yesterday's food journal.

Breakfast: 2 veggie links, Ezekiel toast with olive oil (~1 tsp) and nutritional yeast (~1 tbsp.)
Lunch: baked potato bar at work - 1 baked potato, lots of broccoli, cheddar cheese (?), salsa, salt and pepper
Snack: apple, rice cake and almond butter; handful of blue corn chips
Dinner: veggie burger with 2 slices veggie bacon, pickles, lettuce, ketchup, mustard and a high fiber whole wheat bun; 1/2 package of plain baked lays (split a 3 serving package with Ryan)

randomness

2009-03-13T06:02:00.006-05:00

Yesterday - March 12 - Journal
Breakfast: smoothie with frozen raspberries and strawberries, 1 scoop vanilla protein powder, 1 tsp. flaxseed oil and 8 oz. diluted unsweetened cranberry juice (~1 part juice, 7 parts water)
Lunch: bagel sandwich with cheddar cheese, cream cheese, roasted red pepper hummus and TONS of veggies
Snack: apple (I packed almonds but they tasted off)
Dinner: salad with garbanzo beans and tons more veggies (cabbage, carrots, red pepper, cucumber and romaine); salad dressing with 2 tbsp. red wine vinegar, 2 tsp. olive oil and 2 tsp. flaxseed oil

I felt hungry and probably could've eaten more, but I get home late Thursdays and don't like eating late. I usually put yogurt in the smoothie, but we're out - I'd usually have more snack too.

We finished our standardized ESL tests at work! Yay! We're boxing them up and turning them in to central office today. This is exciting because 1) it's been going on for weeks, 2) the kids are extremely impatient and frustrated that I haven't been able to pull them, 3) it won't be hanging over our heads during spring break...which starts after school TODAY!!! :) Yay!

Bad news with one of our cars (the one Ryan drives) - it was rattling a little, so Ryan took it in to get an oil change and have the tires rotated...long story-short it needed $900 worth of work! Ug. That hurts. It was out of alignment and some tire rod had worn down and was almost broken. Then there was something cracked and leaking on the engine. And because it had been out of alignment 2 of the tires were worn down and needed to be replaced. Plus little things like the oil change and replacing the windshield wipers. The labor is the big part of it though. So - he has my car today while his is at the shop and I'm getting a ride in and back from work.
I'm due for my regular service at 120,000 miles - that's a big one too.
Good thing we just last week made a budget and talked about saving for car maintenance and repairs. We decided we'd each save $100 a month toward that so now we can just think of the repairs as coming from that and that we have $300 left for the remainder of the year for that car....although that's just a comfort for our heads because we hadn't actually had that plan in place for more than 1 week.

I was really stressed about class yesterday - I just feel lost, as I keep going on about. I don't know what it is about me, but if I don't understand something fundamental about an article I'm reading I have a really hard time feeling comfortable 'getting the gist of it' and moving on. It tears me up. I either figure it out or agonize. To make another long story short, my prof asked for my comments about something (there were only 2 of us in class, so there was a lot of pressure) and I didn't answer and instead got up my courage to say that I needed to ask some questions first - she thought they were really good questions and kept saying so and that she wasn't sure she could even answer them well - and she spent a pretty long time addressing them and talking about the fact that they are huge, long-standing issues in the field. I felt better after that because I realized that she didn't just sigh and ask me to talk to her after class or scold me or look down on me with her manner.
Hopefully I'll have a lot of time to study and work on that class over break. I just need to get through the semester - just to the end of April, I think.

I'm off to get ready for my last day before break! Happy Friday!

doing alright

2009-03-12T07:06:00.003-05:00

I finally got batteries for my camera so I can post pics again.
Yesterday was just fine - I did get way to hungry between lunch and dinner but it wasn't a disaster.
Breakfast - apple with almond butter.
Lunch - brown rice, steamed veggies, and teriyaki tempeh
Snacks - carrots and roasted red pepper hummus, 4 blue chips, rice cake with almond butter (too much almond butter)
Dinner - leftover cheese tortellini with steamed veggies and pesto

If I do well today (and I totally plan to...everything's packed), I will have gone 1 week without sugar. No sugar = no binges = happier me. Well...that's 1 week without sugary treats - I'm not counting foods that probably have sugar, but aren't sugary treats. Like - last Friday I had veggie lettuce wraps from PF Chang's and the sauce probably had sugar....anyway - it's an improvement. I realized I keep losing the same 5-10 pounds over and over, but I'm down to 164.2 today from 165.4 on Monday and that's encouraging to me. I was worried I would do well this week but not lose at all because I would be regaining from having strep and not eating much.

I keep having recession dreams. Last night there was hardly any food left in the grocery store and the custodian from school was there working a 2nd job (in my dream). We started the year with 3 custodians and so far 2 have been laid off. It's so sad. The director is doing everything she can to avoid cutting teachers - we've cut programs, supplies, buses (now each bus runs double duty), support staff....I hope everyone gets to come back next year.
Ug.
Okay - no point dwelling on that. I'm off to work.

being reasonable

2009-03-11T12:14:00.002-05:00

After I posted yesterday all about how great I felt not eating sugar right now, I had all these sugar cravings! I don't know if it was blogging about it or that I didn't have enough of a lunch or what....
But I was able to think about how I'd feel - physically and emotionally - if I ate sugar and decided against it.
I ate as planned yesterday - I had the lasagna for dinner. I was so hungry when I got home from school, that I put that in the oven right away and ate by 5. Before that I had a half a rice cake with almond butter and a handful of blue corn sesame chips while I was waiting. I also had a 100 calorie kettle corn pack at school.
I went out to the disc golf course with Ryan and walked while he played. Didn't eat anything else the rest of the day.
I only walked about a mile, but it was hilly and better than nothing. I'm just trying to stay in the habit of getting any exercise at all.

Last night I planned my meals out for today. I had planned to have a smoothie for breakfast but woke up at 4 after doing something tretcherous to my back - I think I pinched a nerve - I could barely move, took some advil and laid on an ice pack for a while before I got up. By that point I needed a quick breakfast so I had an apple with almond butter (which I'd planned as my snack) and I'll just have the smoothie for snack.

I'm cautiously positive right now.
I'm working a bit on housework everyday to catch up and things are looking better. I'm starting to listen to my 7 Habits cds. I'm pretty much hanging in there with my schoolwork. I know that doesn't sound too awesome, but it's the best I can hope for right now. The stuff is just way over my head. I feel like I don't have the appropriate prerequisites...anyway....I'll muddle through.
I'm eating pretty sensibly and enjoying eating less and feeling lighter.
I have my sights set on some goal weights for upcoming 'events'. I'd love to be below 160 by the time I get back from spring break (starts next week - goes for 2 weeks). I'd really be proud of myself if I could be back in my 10s (for me - about 135 pounds) by our 5 year anniversary and family-reunion-type event over 4th of July weekend.
So far, so good.

better without sugar

2009-03-10T11:58:00.002-05:00

I'm back at work and feeling relatively healthy! Luckily, since yesterday was a county-wide sick day, I didn't have to take any days off work.
I've been off sugar again since I got sick - today is the 5th day. I feel a lot better without sugar. I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I had a little, but if I had a little it would probably snow ball into a lot - I don't have a great track record there. I'm not having cravings....just commenting.

Yesterday I went to class and cleaned when I got home until after midnight. It felt great to make a dent in the disaster area that is my house.
We're having a hard time keeping up with chores with me always sick or recovering from being sick or scrambling to make up work that wasn't done when I was sick (or wasn't done because I didn't get it done) in time for a deadline. Ryan's exhausted from his hour and 15 minute drive to and from his internship everyday. Plus it's hard for him to get motivated to do his half of the chores when I'm not doing my half. Sometimes that irks me - like on Sunday when I woke up after a marathon 11 hour fever-filled night of sleep to see that Ryan was still there beside me. It makes me feel like 'mom'. Like, if I don't get up and set an example, no matter what the differences in our circumstances are, nothing will get done. I'm not saying I don't appreciate him or everything he does (like cooking, etc.), because I am extremely grateful for him, but I don't want to be mom. So I'm just going to try to get the rest of the cleaning finished this afternoon and then we'll just have regular chores to keep up with everyday. At this point it doesn't matter who does what - I just don't want it hanging over my head.

Eating has been fine since I haven't been allowing myself sugar. Of course, those days of not being able to swallow anything but soup helped keep the calories low too.

Today, so far, I've had an apple for breakfast and a bowl of brown rice, steamed veggies, teriyaki tempeh and cashews for lunch.
For dinner I'm going to see if our leftover lasagna is still good and have that if it is. If not, I'll have leftover tortellini with pesto or a veggie burger. I haven't decided.

For exercise...last week Ryan and I made that commitment to walk at least 20 minutes a day together, and for the days I've been home we've done well. Even on the really sick days we took a leisurely stroll around the block. If it's not raining we have a walking date today.
I haven't been counting calories or sticking to any plan, but I feel really good right now and think I'm going to just try to keep up with no sugar and 20 minute walks (as min. exercise standard) for now.

this is ridiculous

2009-03-07T10:25:00.002-06:00

Well - I can't believe it but I have strep again. This has been the worst year for illness in our county. Schools were actually closed Friday and will be again Monday because of it.
I've definitely been sick more than anyone, but I'm never alone with it - someone always has something - or more like a dozen 'someones'.
It's hard not to feel guilty and stupid over it. I'm such a worrier. Ug.
I have so much work to do, but I'm not sure how I'm going to - My heartrate's been hovering around 120 lying down for awhile now, so all I really want to do is lie as still as possible and try to lower it. I guess elevated heartrates are normal with fever and pain but it freaks me out!
Well...guess I'm off to the couch.
Meh.

so-so

2009-03-05T06:52:00.004-06:00

Yesterday was okay-ish...I mean - judging by very low standards (i.e. not stopping and buying my usual junk food at any store) it was better. Calorie-wise - better. Not super.
I had a banana and yogurt for breakfast.
I had a big salad with lots of veggies, garbanzo beans, ~1/8 cup of cashews and dressing with flaxseed oil, olive oil and red wine vinegar for lunch.
After school I made nachos....yeah - not so good. I also had a handful of Thai Kettle chips.
The nachos were made of 3 handfuls of corn chips (about a single layer of chips on a medium dinner plate), ~1/2 cup of black beans, cheese sprinkled on top (probably 1/4 c.) and salsa.
I totally skipped dinner but did have 2 squares of dark chocolate.
I really don't do well with afternoons, do I? :)

I know I don't deserve a pat on the back for not eating multiple candy bars, but I actually do feel a lot better this morning. I'm not in that sugar-hangover fog.
I'm still gnat-like in my ability to focus, though.

I was thinking of looking into books about sugar - like Sugar Busters, for example, and just reading about the ways in which it's harmful, why it's so addictive, etc. This sugar thing...obsession...fixation...whatever you want to call it, is a big part of my life and I really should learn more about it. At the very least, maybe it would help motivate (or guilt) me into making it easier to avoid. If I could just get this sugar habit licked, I think I'd have a really good foundation for a healthy lifestyle.

I love veggies. Broccoli and red cabbage are 2 of my favorite foods right up there with raspberries and chocolate. I love whole grains and always prefer them by taste & texture to white flour-based products. I love beans, tofu, low-fat yogurt, tempeh, fruit, nuts, etc....all the good stuff. I don't like fried foods or fast foods at all with the exception of Indian fried foods (pakora, samosas). I prefer to drink water and never have soda with the very, very occasional exception of a natural ginger brew. The only juice I drink is highly diluted unsweetened cranberry juice and the only 'teas' I drink are really just 'herbal infusions' (don't know if this is a good thing, but at the very least it's neutral - no caffeine, calories, etc.).

These habits aren't because I'm disciplined (obviously) - it's just the way my tastes naturally lean. If I don't descend into a sugary, bingey, state of zero control, I think I'd do alright. I don't have to learn to dress up or choke down healthy foods. I don't have to be taught about normal portions.
But that's the tricky part for a lot of people, right? Just tackling that one, huge, ugly demon.

If, in a moment of sugar-craving or too-hungry/low energy weakness, I were offered a plate of steamed veggies, tofu and rice OR a bowl of ice cream, I really think I'd go for option #1. Maybe the key is to just have those foods readily available to me because I know if I have to spend 45 minutes making it, I'll go for option #2 in a heartbeat.

I'll work on that this weekend and see if it helps. Maybe I do have some sense in me afterall!

twitpics...again

2009-03-04T06:42:00.002-06:00

Even though I had the real food right here in front of me I always liked seeing my meals pop up in picture form & for the world to see (theoretically) on this page, so I'm going to try that again.
I just posted my breakfast (a banana and a carton of strawberry yogurt), lunch (salad with lots of veggies and garbanzo beans - dressing is 1 tbsp. flaxseed oil, 1 tsp. olive oil and 2 tbsp. red wine vinegar), snack (apple and cashews - some of which may wind up in my salad), and my mulitvitamins.

I'm sort of cringing as I type this 'plan-for-the-day' because the way I am with my 'plans', I keep telling myself I should just post what I do instead of what I kind of think I'm maybe going to do.
But anyway, I'm going to try to write down what I eat and enter it into SparkPeople the next morning while I have my tea. (I drink a huge, 3 cup mug of tea every morning to get a jump on hydration, but it takes me awhile). And Ryan and I have made a committment to each other to, at minimum, go on a 20 minute walk around the neighborhood every day that I'm here in the evenings (i.e., not Monday or Thursday). I feel good this morning, so we'll see how it goes :)

WW drop-out

2009-03-03T20:03:00.005-06:00

Just dropping by since it seems I haven't posted in more than a week...
I've been reading and lurking but not feeling talkative.
The way things have been going these past few months, it's no surprise that I've been off plan, but I am trying to do positive things in other ways like schoolwork, work-work, getting organized, making a budget, etc.

I don't know why I've been struggling so much.
Yesterday I was soooooo exhausted all day after sleeping ~6 hours (not enough for me, but still, the extreme level of exhaustion was a little silly). I set my alarm to get 8 hours last night but overslept and got 9 - it was like I just was physically incapable of budging into consciousness. Then I felt sort of dizzy and woozy and distant and just crappy for hours until this afternoon. Not sure what's going on, but right now I feel short of breath and just blah so I know I need to need to need to crack down on getting my health on track - this isn't even about the scale right now although that's one measure of whether or not I'm doing healthy things for my body.

So - I'm dropping out of Weight Watchers because I never use their tools, don't follow the plan and don't need to pay them for me to sit on my tush and whine.
I think it's a fine plan that does work and did work quite effortlessly for me (to the tune of -18 pounds) for 2 1/2 months before I fell off the wagon in truly spectacular fashion. That was October and I haven't picked myself back up yet, so it's time to move on.
What I'm thinking is that if I'm on plan and tracking my food or counting something about what I'm eating or looking up nutritional values of food, it could just as well be through a free site like SparkPeople that gives me detailed nutritional info as through WW which only gives me points info. Plus, when I did that detox week and tracked everything through both sites, it did concern me that I could be eating so clean and healthy and mostly under 1200 calories a day and still come in at or above my daily points allowance.
I'm not knocking WW, but I just feel like it's not for me right now.

I had good intentions today, packed all my food and gym clothes, but then got so busy at work that I didn't have a bite to eat until 2 PM and was too low energy for a workout.
I left the food that I didn't eat in the fridge at work, so I just need to pack another salad for lunch tomorrow and try again to have an on-track day.

We have a 2 week spring break coming up next week and the week after, and besides attending an ESL conference the first little bit of that, I'm going to try to take the time to reformulate my daily operations around here. Ryan's mom is visiting that first weekend, and mine may or may not be popping in sometime, but that's all good.

I'm still thinking that the way to go for me is focusing on clean, organic-when-possible, whole foods. I'm also considering switching from birth control pills to "natural family planning" and going off my allergy meds and just using my neti pot and keeping the house super clean, etc. I feel like my body is more unhappy with me than it usually would be from just not eating the best and I want to eliminate as many variables as I can in trying to figure out the exhaustion and such.

I'll try to be around more regularly, but it's not easy to get motivated to post stupid decisions, whines, binges, and that sort of thing. I'd be much more prolific if I were having more success.

Asheville!

2009-02-24T14:53:00.002-06:00

This weekend was really fun! I think Ryan was surprised and happy with everything we did.

Friday we left around noon and drove 3 1/2 hours to Asheville. We checked into our B&B - it was gorgeous! We stayed in the Ralph Waldo Emerson suite. It had a jacuzzi tub and one of those huge showers that sprays waters from nozzles on the wall as well as above. The room itself was beautiful with tall ceilings, a stone fireplace and a huge bed with tons of fluffy pillows.

We met one of Ryan's friends for dinner at The Laughing Seed Cafe - an awesome veggie restaurant. I had the tempeh Napolean - yum! After that we went to this bar/art gallery and the boys had beer while I just hung out.
Later we went back to our room and had hot cocoa in the jacuzzi :)

Saturday we were served a huge 3 course breakfast - we had warm pineapple and cheese (surprisingly good!), oatmeal creme brulee and a nut pastry.
Then we went to The Grove Park Inn Resort and Spa (super turn of the century fancy shmancy feeling). This is the place I want to come and stay if I ever get to a huge goal like my goal size or finishing grad school - a reward for something huge. Ryan had an hour long golf lesson while I sat in the cart. Then he played 9 holes while I went in the clubhouse with my laptop and tried to get some work done for a presentation I had due for class Monday.

After that we went to a place called Marco's pizza for lunch - Ryan remembered it as being good and wanted to go there. I wasn't too impressed. I ordered broccoli and spinach on my pizza and it came out wet and soggy. But he was happy and that's all that matters - it was his b-day.
We went to the Fresh Market next door and picked up a few bottles of wine to bring back to the B&B.

That afternoon, Ryan had an hour massage while I did some more work.
We went out and walked around downtown, had Indian for dinner at Mela's (soooo good, but we took most of it in a to-go box because we'd eaten so much already that day) and then went back to the room to nibble some chocolate b-day treats we'd picked up downtown, have a glass of wine and enjoy our room.

Sunday, Ryan woke up not feeling well - he has a cold. What I'd scheduled for us was an all day homebrew (beer) workshop, but since he wasn't really up to it, we went to the place it was going to be at (Hops and Vines) and he picked up a few bottles of beer to take home. We canceled and signed up for another workshop for 3 weeks from now. This is a beginners workshop so it's actually going to work out better than the one that was planned for his weekend - which was intermediate level (which we're not).

We then walked around downtown, went back to Laughing Seed for lunch, and got on the road back to Tennessee.

I'm so glad we went. It was an expensive weekend, but I wanted to do something big for his 25th, and I think it turned out really well. Asheville is the cutest town! And now we get to go back soon :) This time we'll just stay at the Hampton or something - and probably just 1 night unless we decide to make another weekend of it and go see Biltmore on that Saturday - I will be on spring break.

I think I've been on a little bit of a post-vacation let down since we've been back. I have a lot of work due this week and next and we're doing all these tedious standardized tests at work - it's hard to get my energy up for it all, but it's all good.
I'm happy we got to do all those thing and happy to be back at comfortable home :)

leaving today!

2009-02-20T05:59:00.003-06:00

Yay :) We're going on our trip for Ryan's birthday today! I'm super excited. I think he's going to really enjoy everything. I have surprises for every day that I know he'll love. And when we get back I'll tell you what that is.
I decided that I would tell him everything we're doing for each day at the beginning of that day. Except for today when I'll tell him when we leave. Actually, I put little cutesy poems in his birthday cards to tell him :)
I still have a lot of work to do this weekend, so hopefully I can find some time here and there. Maybe Ryan will want to take a nap or something :) I'm not a napper, so that's good study time for me. He's going to do the driving once I tell him where we're going so I can do some work in the car. That's always tough with the laptop though. But I'll do what I can.
I need stuff from the internet and I doubt the little B&B we're going to has wireless, so I'm going to try to download the pages I need to my computer before we leave.

I weighed in today since I won't be here tomorrow and even though I wasn't 'dieting' all week, I was a little disappointed. As of yesterday I was down 2.2 pounds from last weigh-in and then all of a sudden today I jumped right back up exactly 2.2 pounds to 166.6 -the same as last weigh-in.
Silly body! I guess I did eat heavier yesterday - right at the end of the day and unplanned.

Breakfast: banana and granola bar
Lunch: leftover pesto tortellini - I just packed the rest into the little pesto container, so not much
Snacks until I got home at 9 - Mary's Gone crackers (13), cashews (small handful), raw red cabbage, carrots, 2 tbsp. roasted red pepper hummus
Dinner: (Ryan had surprised me and had it ready when I got home - I would've been okay without it, but it was yummy and the warmth was soothing to my cough) - a cup of potato and garlic soup, 3 slices of teriyaki tofu and a slice of toast with a sprinkling of olive oil and parmesan
Dessert: (really didn't need this - total impulse when Ryan brought it out - ate mindlessly while watching Top Chef - note to self: no snacking while watching food shows!) 5 Danish butter cookies

I'm don't have any plans to watch the diet while I'm out of town. I'm not going to go crazy, but I'm going to celebrate Ryan's b-day with him and not worry about it. Right now I'm mostly just concerned with avoiding binging or any hint of it like secret eating or eating emotionally, since those things crept back in the 2 weeks before this one and it scared me. And for me, I usually don't have a problem making healthy choices when I'm not doing those things. I love veggies and fruits and whole grains and all sorts of healthy foods - I don't like greasy foods or fast food at all - I do have a serious sweet tooth, but it's okay when I'm eating out and sharing and being social.

I'm off to pack, then I have half a day of work and we're on our way!

Wed. food journal

2009-02-18T20:51:00.005-06:00

Trying to keep this simple & short right now but still have a record of health and diet...

Breakfast: rice cake and almond butter
Lunch and mid-day snacking: granola bar, banana and strawberries, 1 handful barbeque chips and 1 handful of pita chips with hummus (that's what happens when I don't pack a lunch)
Snack: Cadbury Egg and Reece's Pieces (1 package)
Dinner: leftover tortellini with pesto and parmesan
Snack: later when Ryan came home I had some steamed broccoli w/lemon and a bite of his mac and cheese plus a bite of his eggroll

To me, this is a perfect example of a day without planning ahead. This is nothing like a bingey day, but definitely could be a lot better.

I went to my doctor today and she said I have a sinus infection and gave me a shot of antibiotics and a shot of steroids (one in each side of my hips - ouch!)
She wrote me a prescription for some heavy-duty cough medicine with hydrocodone in it for my cough, but it was $75 so I just took some Robitussin DM instead (pretty gross).
She also recommended this fizzy thing that disolves in the shower...Suda Care Shower Soothers or something
And she recommended this solution to use with a squeeze bottle or Neti Pot for clearing out my nasal passage - it's called Sinus Rinse. I used it and didn't mind it. It didn't have that nasty feeling that nasal sprays usually do - very gentle. Pretty gross what comes out though, but I guess it's better out than in.
She said I should keep taking my sudafed and advil and my allergy pill and my guifenemine (probably didn't spell that right - generic Musinex) so I just took all that and am off to bed very hopeful that I'll feel better soon :)
Somewhere in the back of my head I remember being a person who was careful about taking too many meds...hmmm....wonder where she went?

Tues. food journal

2009-02-18T06:17:00.002-06:00

Quick entry for food journal today.
I'm still trying to get so much work done before we go out of town on Friday. I'm going to have to bring some with, but hopefully it won't be too bad.
Still sick - I made a doctor's appointment for during my lunch today. But I am feeling a little better this morning. I only had 2 or 3 bad coughing fits in the night and got a lot more sleep than yesterday. The funny thing is, yesterday at work I was so miserable, but I felt better pretty soon after I got home. I think it makes a big difference just getting to lie down and have a cup of tea. At work, if I talk too much (which is hard to avoid) or walk or climb stairs my throat and lungs were burning like I was in a sauna, but not as fun. So...my (very small) dilemma is - if I'm at home, I feel sick but well enough to get through the day at work. But if I'm at work and using energy, I feel like I'm not being productive enough and that I should've stayed home.
I could totally do the work we're doing this week (inventories for the ESL standardized test) at home, but unfortunately I don't have the kind of job that lets me make that judgment call and trusts me to work here.
So - I'm going to work, then to the doctor and depending on how I feel mid-day I'm considering taking a half-day. We'll see.

Here's what I ate - my appetite was nonexistant in the earlier part of the day so I just sort of snacked. But when I got home I wanted warm food and made a fairly big early dinner.

Breakfast: blueberry crisp Clif Bar
Lunch: banana
Snack: ~4-5 pita chips; handful of cashews (~12)
Dinner: bowl of cheese tortellini with pesto, 3 veggie meatballs, and broccoli w/lemon and parmesan
Snack: 1 small ginger lemon cookie

It's early

2009-02-17T02:32:00.003-06:00

Well, I'm sick. Blech.
No pinkeye - I think that was just from allergies or getting a cold or whatever this is that's keeping me up.
It's 2:30 AM or some nonsense and I've just been sniffling and hacking and coughing next to Ryan and I feel bad that he's probably not sleeping much, so I thought I'd get up, drink some tea and post my food journal from yesterday. My lungs are much happier with me vertical.
I think I have a cold, but yesterday I glared suspiciously all day at all the mold on the pipe coverings in my classroom...I also found out that "they" gave us 16 months in the school - something about how any longer in there wouldn't be safe. This is our 2nd year there, so I guess we're on about month 14 (?) not counting breaks. Hopefully that 16 months # was an overly conservative estimate. Soooo...I actually hope I have a cold and all this constantly getting sick this year isn't because of that building.

Anyway...yesterday wasn't too awesome on the food front...could've been worse.
Breakfast: banana
Lunch: Amy's veggie & bean burrito
Snack: half a Clif Bar (oatmeal raisin)
Random, pointless grazing at school: 3 biscuits (little chocolate cookies), & 4 Hershey's kisses
Snack: (in car on the way to class)~1/4 of a bagel sandwich with cheese, hummus, lettuce and cucumber
Snack: (before & after PM class) raw cabbage, cucumber and carrots; 2nd half of the Clif Bar

Guess that's all for now.

Ewwwww

2009-02-15T07:49:00.003-06:00

I may have pinkeye.....sooooo gross! Not an attractive post - don't read this if you'll be disgusted with eye details, okay? Okay.
I'm not sure - it's not bad. I was extra goopy when I woke up, but not stuck closed. I'm blodshot on one side, but not totally pink. Yesterday I was super itchy and cruddy in my eye...
I had trouble studying because it's in my right eye and it was making it hard to see out of that eye. I have good vision in my right eye and that's the only reason I don't wear glasses - that eye takes over - if I close my right eye I can't see well enough to read without a lot of strain.

I read about it on WebMd and it said it can be the super-contagious if it's viral or bacterial, but can also be caused by allergies. My sore throat is actually better, but I've had a cough and conjestion and been very sneezy for a few days....could be a cold. I also have allergies - so - could be no big deal. I am at higher risk than most because I work in a cess pool...I mean a school.
It's Sunday, so my Dr.'s not in her office . I'm torn about whether I should just wait and see if it's allergy-related and gets better or if I should go in and be seen in case I need to wait 24 hours until I can go back in to work - I'd rather not take a sick day over this.

The Pre-K assistant who works in the room next door to me said that the doctor she goes to sees about 8 other teachers from my school - and says that they all go to him with the same symptoms. He thinks it's connected to the building we work in - he thinks the building is making us sick. There's visible mold on some of the ceiling pipes. The building is OLD - maybe 90 years? And it's been condemned. But I'd assumed it was safe for us to use it after our old school had a fire the spring before I came here. Can a building be un-condemned?! All I know is what I can see - which is super shady floors that feel like they're about to break through when you walk on them and windows that have quite noticable drafts rushing through them...plus the crap on the pipes....
I don't know, but it would be interesting to see if we have a higher rate of being sick than teachers and kids at other schools - if our allergies are worse - if we're out for more sick days/absences, etc.

Anyway...enough rambling.
Yesterday wasn't great for my diet, but here it is.

- I had an apple for breakfast.
- I was still starving mid-morning so I had a slice of Ezekiel bread with 1 tsp. olive oil and nutritional yeast for a snack.
- We went to Indian Buffet for lunch and I filled up my plate once but didn't go back. I had a cold chick pea/apple salad, rice and 2 triangles of naan with a scoop of a lentil dish (dal makhani, I think), a scoop of a potato dish (it was new....just potatoes and seasoning) and a scoop of a spinach dish (saag...umm...i don't know). I also had chutney and a few onion pakora.
- Later I stopped at Walgreens for Kleenex and Valentine's Day cards and got 2 Cadbury Eggs, a marzipan chocolate piece and an almond chocolate bar - and ate them all that afternoon. So much for my resisting cravings post.
- I was obviously stuffed after that so I didn't eat anything else for the rest of the day except some baby carrots.
Forgot my multi.
Drank plenty of water.

Ryan bought himself some cheap golf clubs at Walmart and went out to play yesterday. I felt bad about not going with him because it was Valentine's Day, but I was trying (and miserably failing) to get my work done. He was romantic and said that everyday was Valentine's Day and we could plan as if it were February 14th any day I wanted. Or everyday. He's a keeper. ;)
I'm going to try to read about 10 pages in my text (which will literally take me an hour if I stay focused...pathetic) and then take my laptop out and at least ride on the golf cart with him while I work. (he wants to go out again today).

Wish we had President's Day off so I could relax about the work, but we used too many snow days and the board voted to make it an attendance day...no biggie, really, but I feel bad if anyone had made 3 day Valentine's Day weekend plans in advance and had to cancel or take a personal day.

Alright - I'd better get movin'!

Weigh-Day

2009-02-14T07:07:00.004-06:00

166.6
+0.8 from last week (but down 3 lbs. since 2 days ago when I put a stop to eating the house down)
-9.4 total
51.6 to goal

About what I expected. This is just 1.2 less than what I weighed when I started the detox.
The past 2 days have been good for diet, the 11 days before that - terrible! I'm actually lucky I haven't gained more.
I haven't exercised in 2 weeks.

It's a frustrating, unhealthy cycle I've gotten myself into, but all I can do is try my best today.
I might take Ryan out to Indian Buffet for Valentine's Day, but if I do that I'll eat light the rest of the day.

I'm off to get a pile of work done.
Trying to be extra productive so I don't have to bring work with for my weekend away with Ryan for his 25th b-day next week. :)
I'm sooo excited.
I hope he loves what we're doing although I can't talk more about it because even though I don't think he reads my blog, it's not a secret from him and, well...you never know when he'll get curious.

Oops - almost forgot my food journal from yesterday

breakfast: rice cake w/1 tbsp. almond butter
lunch: lentil veggie soup
snack: 12 (?) baby carrots, 13 Mary's Gone crackers and 2 tbsp. roasted red pepper hummus
dinner: 2 pieces of Ryan's shepherd's pie (tofu/veggie)
snack: orange
I remembered my multi and drank at least 10 cups of water - I was thirsty!

Didn't add up points or calories. I'd say ~24 points if I had to guess and maybe ~1400 cal.
I should enter it later just to see if I'm guessing close or not.
I wish SparkPeople had a recipe function like the WW recipe builder - where you just enter your recipe and the number of servings and it figures out the info in each. I know I could do it manually, but it would be convenient if the site did it for me. They don't have that feature, do they? Hmmm.
A little low on protein and veggies but not too bad. Normally I'd have more veggies with snack but I need a trip to the grocery store.

Conquering Valentine's Day cravings

2009-02-13T16:34:00.009-06:00

Just a quick sort of note to myself that I have been faced with diet-dangers all day long and have resisted all of them - so it IS possible, and it will get better if I chew gum, distract myself, think about how I'll feel if I give in and stay fueled with healthy foods.

This morning, on the way to work I stopped at CVS to get suckers for my kids and saw the Easter candy in the next section - I have a huge weakness for Cadbury Eggs and mini-chocoloate thingies...I don't know what they're called...the kind that look like robins' eggs with the candy shell. I saw them out of the corner of my eye and made myself look the other way, grab the suckers for my kids (which don't really tempt me) and head to the check-out.

At work, I found some Hershey's Kisses I had randomly stashed in a drawer (actually, one of my ever-watchful kiddies noticed them and said "Hey! You have candy in there!" :) It's one of those transparent rubbermaid drawers.
I would've given them out, but there were only 3 or 4 - not enough for everyone. So they stayed there and I didn't touch them.

Later in the afternoon (typical craving time), I remembered they were there and thought "oh - what could it hurt?" But knew the answer was that it could lead to a downward spiral and took out my snack to eat early instead (carrots, crackers and hummus). After that I didn't want the chocolate anymore.

Everyone had Valentine's Day parties and all day long I was offered cookies and cupcakes and things, but didn't take any. I finally accepted some to take home for Ryan, but feel like I have my cravings beat and am not going near them.

I am curious about one thing...I have one of those nauseating, throbbing headaches...and I wonder if that has to do with not giving into cravings...a sort of sweet-tooth withdrawal. I'm just curious if I would've had the 'bad' snacks earlier if I'd still have a headache.
Not going to test that out - just wondering...
Be back for weigh in tomorrow...I'm guessing it will be just about the weight I was at before I started the detox...oh well...

Before bed cravings update:
I had a moment of self-doubt when I almost thought that there was no way I'd be able to resist tempting sugary things (e.g. the Dove ice cream minis in my freezer right now). I just didn't believe in myself and I almost caved. (I'm starting to believe that most of the times I haven't been successful at dieting and other things in my life are due to my failure to believe in myself, actually) But I didn't give in. I ate a yummy, juicy, sweet orange instead with a cup of tangerine herbal tea. Cravings? Poof! Gone :) I need to remember these little successes so that I don't talk myself into a binge sometime in the future. Goodnight!

Let's try some accountability

2009-02-13T06:32:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was a good day eating-wise.
I needed it.
I've been getting sick ALL THE TIME this year and I need to get healthy. Eating buckets of sugar isn't going to help that.
My throat is actually worse this morning, but that obviously has nothing to do with eating healthy yesterday.
So...

I estimated on calories for a few things (just veggies - wasn't positive about portions), and I think the calories I looked up for my falafel patties are wrong because they were big and fried, not small and homemade....So I added an extra 150 calories to what SparkPeople says I ate and it came in at 950 for the day.
I felt full and I felt like I was eating constantly, so I don't know how I came out so low.
I guess feeling under the weather and eating lots of raw veggies explains that.

Here's what I consumed

Breakfast: banana
Lunch: lentil soup with raw veggies (cabbage, carrots, celery)
Snacks: apple, 13 Mary's Gone crackers, 10 almonds, 10 cashews
Dinner: Huge salad with 2 falafel patties, lots of veggies and ~2 tbsp. tzatziki sauce

I did remember my multi and I drank ~9 cups of water.

Didn't count points - sure it was within range.
I know it makes no sense to count calories and points, but I'm wishy-washy and can't decide what I want to do, so for now I'm paying attention to both.

Eating machine

2009-02-12T13:09:00.003-06:00

Ummm.....ummmmm....well, I don't know what to say. I have no excuses. I don't know WHY I can't seem to get out of this cycle...I've been eating everything in sight pretty much ever since I finished my detox, and the scale really, really, (OMG!) really showed it today. I'm almost back up to 170. I'll post my official weigh-in on Saturday, but it won't be pretty.
It's not because of the detox that I've gotten back into this pattern - I didn't have cravings when it was over. It was just that I seem to do better with structure and when I take that away I fall apart. Someday, hopefully, I'll be able to be more laid back with food, but apparently not now.

I know I said I was just going to focus on a couple things at a time and put off making diet a main focus, but I don't think I can do that without regaining everything.

So - I'm going to go back to recording what I eat. I made a weekly meal plan layout for myself, and I'm going to be really good about preparing my meals the day before.

Today's been fine so far. I packed a banana for breakfast, lentil soup and veggies for lunch, a falafel salad for dinner and nuts, crackers and an apple for snack.
I've had through lunch so far plus my multi-vitamin- no cravings (this is usually when I'd start having them). My body is sick of junk and doesn't want it right now.

I've had a sore throat for 2 weeks and I think it's related to being congested. I think the congestion could be linked to the sugar consumption - too much clogs me up.

I'm just not ready to NOT make this a focus and I'm caught up in work and school, so I'm getting back into focusing on my diet earlier than Sunday or next week or whenever I was planning to because it's soooo necessary. I can't regain everything. I don't want to start from zero. As much as I fail, I just need to keep picking myself up, dusting myself off and trying again. Someday it'll stick. Maybe today! :)

Still here & psycho-babble

2009-02-08T17:14:00.008-06:00

Sorry to go MIA.
I'm still here, but trying to stay away from distractions right now. I'm having a hard time justifying blogging breaks because it always leads to a bunch of internet-related distractions. I have the attention span of a goldfish, apparently.

Grad school is crazy hard and busy this semester and I'm trying to make keeping up with that and not stressing myself out by getting behind higher on my list of priorities than this page for the time being.

When I was spending so much time planning and calculating and writing about my diet and exercise, (and got sick) during my detox week I got behind on my classwork.

I spent this week trying hard to get caught up and then work on the current stuff.
As of now, I'm finished with the backed up work, almost finished with the 1st readings of all my materials for the coming week, but still have work to do on a couple presentations and the 2nd pass through the readings to prepare for class discussions. My classes are tiny (one with 7 and one with 3 students), so I have to be prepared either to discuss meaningfully or look like an idiot.

I'm having a hard time balancing all the goals that I have for myself. They're pretty basic things, and I was not, in fact, raised by wolves, so I don't know why I can't just pull it together and do everything at once. But, the fact is that when I do well with preparing for work and school my house falls into a horrible, messy state, I slack on exercise and don't plan healthy meals.

When I do great with exercise and eat healthily and get to bed on time, I fall behind on work and school stuff.

If I manage to eat well, exercise, keep up with the house, get to bed on time and stay reasonably on pace with work and school, I can never get it to last and I wind up stretched too thin, anxious and neglectful of Ryan or any other social life, hobby, etc... And, honestly, the few times that's happened have been during weeks when we've had snow days or 3 day weekends or something.
You get the idea...

I know I'm taking on a lot, especially with my long commute to school, but I don't think it's more than I should be able to do. I just need to be able to work efficiently. Which, for me (don't mean to sound like a broken record) means taming this anxiety beast and chilling the *bleep* out!

I just haven't learned to juggle yet.

And I think it might take time.

I think I might have to work on keeping all my goals sort of in the back of my mind, but only focusing and really concentrating on and fully committing to a couple at a time and not trying to put so much pressure on myself to do everything at once.

I've realized that I have really pitiful self-confidence.
I try to take on a lot, and I probably am completely capable of doing all the things I want for myself, but somewhere, not so deep inside, I just don't believe I can pull it off. I did not have overly critical parents - not blaming them - but I've realized that I have a hard time believing that I'm able to be successful...as a teacher, student, professional, friend, girlfriend, healthy person, athletic person, cook....If I ever achieve any level of success, I always feel guilty and my mind goes to this place where I find an excuse for why it doesn't really count.

For example, it's been a long time since I've received a grade below an A but I attribute it to grade inflation as a general crisis in higher education.
My boss/college professor has made a few passing comments that involve her saying I'm 'brilliant' and I blush furiously certain that she's being sarcastic and poking fun at me.
I have a great relationship with Ryan, but attribute it to pure dumb luck and his phenomenally saintly character.
I know my kids are learning and I know they love me and I love them, but when I see gains I think "wow - they're so lucky I'm not their only teacher, I have someone else as a safety net in case I mess up"
Even though I used to cook up a storm in high school, I have such a silly lack of confidence in the kitchen that yesterday it completely blew my mind when I made a sandwich that turned out pretty great. Yes, a sandwich.

I think it was Scale Junkie who made a post about not believing that we can succeed...that the next moment of weakness/binge/whatever...is right around the corner - I totally relate.

I don't know where all this came from. I'd probably be a fun puzzle for a psychologist if I ever make the time to find one I can relate to. :)
I have a B.S. (appropriate letters) in psych, maybe I should explore the psych-stereotypes myself! ;)
Let's see....

Childhood: Did I belatedly crack from the pressure of being in 'accelerated programs' growing up?

Relationships: Was it the hellish, destructive (but not abusive) on and off and on and off relationship with my first boyfriend from age 16-24?

High school drama: (e.g. The best friend who fell in love with me and blamed me (plus turned half our friends against me) for not being a lesbian? (but failed to tell me why she and they were shunning me for 3 months after it started!))

Family: The loving but admittedly challenge-filled days of my depressed, self-destructive, alcoholic dad? His passing? Mom's co-dependence? Their divorce?

Body-issues: Being emotionally immature but highly physically 'developed' by the time I was in middle school and the harrassment I got from older men because of it? (had breast reduction when I got fed up after growing out of my DDDs at age 19 - wanted to get the surgery in while I was still covered on Dad's insurance)

Chemical imbalance/general craziness: Anxiety issues that kept me in my apartment and failing classes for long stretches of time as an undergrad....the shame of that and the bad grades that seemed to reflect on the quality of my brain, not the spiraling-out-of-control issues of a lost teen.

I'm of the philosophy that we all have crap to deal with, but that as an adult I have to take responsibility for my life as it is now and as I dream it could be - and not blame any current state on any other person or circumstance from my past. I don't think I'll be seeing a therapist anytime soon, but that kind of did help me get some things off my chest and realize that I need to be forgiving - there's a lot I haven't dealt with and I can't expect to be perfect overnight.

So - in the spirit of keeping things in perspective and focusing on small goals - I'm going to make this week's goals keeping ahead of school work and work-work, and preparing for the next day the night before (setting out lunches, clothes, etc.)

Thanks to anyone who's reading for being inspiring! I love reading all your posts even when I disappear.
Back to work!

time consuming

2009-02-01T09:00:00.004-06:00

Oh man...I'm so behind in my classwork - it's awful - I'm just drowning. It's bad when I'm praying for a snow day to give me a chance of getting my head above water.

I'm so glad I did the detox (thinking of doing it once a month) and I definitely, definitely feel that it's important for me to track the nutritional info of the things I eat, but I just can't spend time on that right now. Not for a few days anyways.
I'm not taking a break from eating healthy things - just from counting it up and writing about it.

I'm still nixing junk food - sugar, refined carbs, pre-packaged goodies and such. We won't be having pizza or nachos on Super Bowl Sunday. I won't be packing granola bars or worse, cookies, in my lunch or snacking on ginger candies or leftover candy canes. I certainly won't be making any unplanned stops at the store for M&Ms and Reese's Pieces. I'm not even going to buy any supposedly healthy frozen meals. I'm just going to eat well, eat mostly homemade things and try to do it intuitively.

Yesterday I had tofu and soy sauce (gluten), so I'm adding those back in. I'm probably going to eat some veggie sausage or burgers and such. My freezer is full of them and I need convenience food right now (otherwise I'm going to wind up eating handfuls and handfuls of cashews). The detox book said that the fake meat products interfere with your body's absorption of certain minerals. Maybe if I just don't take my multi at the same time?
Haven't decided yet about cheese...I love cheese, but it can be too much...maybe a little here and there.

The thing is, I need to catch up to manage my stress. Right now, I'm behind and because I'm stressed about it, I'm getting anxious. And when I get anxious, it takes me sooooo looooong to read and comprehend anything. I have to read everything like, 6 times. If I can get caught up and then a little ahead (snow day? pleeeeease?), I can get back on schedule, get in my exercise, plan meals, etc.

So I may or may not post in the next few days, but I'm going to try to stay offline for the most part because it's too distracting for my tiny, little attention span.

There - now that I said it outloud, maybe I'll stick to it and get this work done already!

Weigh-Day - Detox Week

2009-01-31T08:04:00.005-06:00

Check out the scale giveaway on Roni’s Weight Loss Blog! I can win an Affordable Food Scale from Eat Smart and so can you! Click here for contest details!
I want one of those super expensive, super awesome Green Star juicers (makes everything...including banana ice cream that tastes just like Chunky Monkey, but is only made from bananas, no sugar or cream). Around the holidays they were giving a food scale away with them, but I didn't buy one - the juicer's a reward for losing 40 or 50 lbs somewhere down the road...but I sure could use a scale now! :)

Anyhoo....
As expected, the scale was up a tiny bit (0.2 lbs) this morning from yesterday because my low calorie day from being sick on Thursday gave me a falsely low # on the scale Friday. But it's still all good.
Today I'm at 161.6 which is a total loss for the detox week of 6.2 lbs! Sweet!

Basically, that undoes the damage I did to myself in January plus another 0.6 pounds gone. So - it's a good jump start to my healthy lifestyle recommitment.
I'm 0.6 pounds away from being back to my 15 pound loss, ~3 pounds away from my October low and 10% total loss, and about 6 or 7 pounds from being comfortably (key word) back in my size 14s! (never thought I'd be happy to be BACK in 14s, but hey...we start from wherever we're starting, right?)

I updated all my measurements (to the right), but I'm not sure how accurate they are. It's hard to measure yourself - especially your arms...
But, everything in the midsection seems about right.
I'm down 3.0" at the smallest part of my waist, 2.25" at my belly button (which is actually the top of my hip bone...I'm very short-waisted), and 0.5" at my hips. I will always be biggest at that part and lose most slowly from there too...it's just where I store my weight and why I'm at a bigger size than a lot of you probably would be at the same weight. It's also the place I'm likely to have loose skin when I get to goal...that lower tummy area...blech.

This detox is actually 11 days long and today's supposed to be a juice fast day. But you're not supposed to fast if you're recovering from being sick, which I am, so I'm not fasting. I'm just going to keep eating the way I've been for the 7 day 'prequel' to the fast. I'm thinking of just seeing if this is something I can keep up for a while since it's not an extreme detox...just very clean eating.
I'm going to add yogurt back in, and eventually I'll add some sweeteners (my favorite hot sauce has agave syrup), gluten (haven't decided about bread, but at least so I can use soy sauce here and there and the multi-grain tempeh I have in my freezer) and soy protein isolates (fake meat products - hard to live without them at least sometimes - Saturday is usually veggie sausage day).
I'm going to try to continue to eliminate or strictly limit refined carbs, many sweeteners, caffeine, and unhealthy fats. No more 100 calorie packs, muffins at Starbucks, regular chocolate consumption, etc. I think those things are just good for my sleep and anxiety, not to mention my waistline.

Here's what I learned this week.

1) I eat a lot of convenience/pre-packaged foods - frozen meals, veggie burgers, crackers, granola bars, cereals, cups of yogurt, etc.
2) It takes planning time and effort to eat a diet based on whole foods. Planning is going to be the biggest factor in my success.
3) It's hard to eat too many calories when you're a vegetarian not eating a lot of prepackaged foods and planning ahead.
4) It's easy to eat too many fats (avocado, nuts, almond butter, etc.) when you're looking for filling snacks and avoiding packaged things. Even good fats need to be in the right proportion to your total calories, carbs and protein.
5) It's very easy to eat too much sodium if you're not paying attention, and especially if you're eating a lot of pre-packaged foods. I need/want much less salt if I season after the dish is finished cooking - just while I'm eating.
6) I can eat the recommended # of WW points, but come in way too low on calories. I'm going to enter my food in SparkPeople's nutrition page AND WW Online for awhile, so I can track both. I'll get a more complete nutritional picture of my diet and feel comfortable that I'm getting enough calories in the right proportions of food-types.

Yesterday quick totals (actual/goal) are...

Calories: 1,373/1,200-1,550
Fat: 41g/32-56g
Carbs: 212g/163-236g
Protein: 53g/60-127g
Fiber: 43g/25-35g
Sodium: 1,116mg/0-2,300mg

WW Points: 23.5

I ate...

Breakfast: 1 banana
Lunch: 1/2 portion of leftover light split pea soup w/coconut milk; 1 c. red cabbage; 6 baby carrots
Dinner: 3 Tacos w/soft corn tortillas (not 100% sure these were legal on the detox), mixed beans, mixed veggies, red cabbage, balsamic vinegar, olive oil, hot sauce; and 1 beet with rosemary, olive oil and garlic.
Snacks: 9 cashews; 13 Mary's Gone Crackers - herb; 1 large orange; vanilla whey and berries protein shake w/flaxseed oil, bluegreen algae, probiotics, and cran water.

Whew! I think that's all for today.
Have a good one!
I'll be right here glued to my desk studying ALL DAY...that's what being sick and out of commission for 3 days does to my weekend! Yay! :-P

Detox - Day 6

2009-01-30T07:13:00.002-06:00

Just a quick update.
I was feeling so sick yesterday. I went to work, but struggled through. I tried to make myself eat, and eat healthy things, but it was a struggle and I got less than 1,000 calories. Also, I wasn't able to work out for the 2nd day in a row.
So - take this with a grain of salt, but I was down another 0.8 lbs today to 161.2, which brings my total loss since the 'official' weigh-day last Saturday to 6.4 lbs.

For breakfast, I had an orange.
For lunch, I had leftover split pea soup with coconut milk.
For snack I had 3 stalks of celery with 1 tbsp. peanut butter.
For dinner I had sweet potato fries (made with 1/2 sweet potato and 1/2 tbsp. olive oil), 1.5 c. broccoli, 1/3 c. homemade hummus (chickpeas, tahini, lemon juice, garlic), and 15 sesame rice crackers

Total Calories: 962
Total Fat: 47g
Total Carbs: 123
Total Protein: 29g
Total Fiber: 28g
Total Sodium: 1,278 mg

Total WW Points: 21.5

I'm slightly concerned that I could eat this few calories and still be 0.5 above my daily allowance - I know I'm not including WPs or APs, but still...what if I decided, as some do, that I wanted to save those WPs and APs for a special weekend day...that means I could eat fewer than 1,000 calories all week long and have that be 'legal'? A little odd. I guess it's not a perfect science - just guidelines. But for now I'm going to keep checking calories, etc. in addition to points

Detox - Day 5

2009-01-29T06:12:00.002-06:00

Down 1.4 lbs this morning to 162.2 - so I lost the 0.4 the scale showed yesterday plus another pound. And that means I'm 0.6 past my original goal for Saturday! Yay! That's a total of 5.6 gone.

I've been feeling really sick, though. At first I thought it could be the detox, but it's probably more likely that I've caught something from one of the kids at school. We were out for a snow day yesterday, but Monday and Tuesday a bunch of the 4th grade was gone because of a stomach virus. 4th grade is on the 2nd floor and my room is in the basement, and the rooms of most of my kids are on the 1st floor - so I don't have that much contact with 4th grade except for 1 class. One boy, actually - I used to have 3 fourth graders, but 1 is out with pink eye and one just moved, so he's all I've seen this week.
The 1st and 2nd graders, which are most of my students, have had sore throats and sniffly noses.
Also, Ryan says strep is going around his office. He hardly ever catches anything. I, on the other hand, catch everything. That's a big part of the reason I'm doing this detox and trying to start making the healthiest choices I can.

Yesterday and this morning, I've had a fever around 101.5 (As best I can tell...the thermometer needs a new battery), a sore throat, a headache and stomach cramping but nothing beyond that. Plus, I had the most difficult time concentrating yesterday. I only got through about 50 of 150 pages I needed to read. Oh well. I did my best. I'm just useless when I'm sick.

I didn't post any pics yesterday. I took one - of my lunch, and I'll post that now. Here's what I had the whole day.

Breakfast
2 rice cakes
2 tbsp. almond butter
1 apple

354 cal.
7.5 pts.

Lunch
leftover tofu & veggie roast with 4 leaves of kale (~1.5 cups)

619 cal.
10.5 pts.

Dinner
leftover light split pea soup with ~0.4 cups of coconut milk

284 cal.
9.5 pts.

Snacks
1 large orange
10 sesame rice crackers

167 cal.
3 pts.

Totals: actual/goal

Calories: 1,424/1,200-1,550
Fat: 67g/32-56g
Carbs: 187g/163-236g
Protein: 44g/60-127g
Fiber: 31g/25-35g
Sodium: 1,498mg/0-2,300mg

WW Points: 30.5 (used 9.5 WPs)

Overall - not a bad day. Too much fat, not enough protein, but it's okay.

I did notice that when I entered my lunch into WW online just by calories, fat and fiber, it told me it was 14 points - but when I thought that sounded high and went back to enter each ingredient separately, it changed to 10.5 points...hmmmm....just something to think about.

No exercise - I had 45 min. on the elliptical and 20 min in the sauna scheduled, but wasn't feeling up to it.

That's all!
School is delayed 2 hours because of ice on the roads. I'll probably go in, but I haven't decided for sure. I just feel very weird and feverish and crampy and weak. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to drive the hour and 40 minutes to Knoxville and back for class this afternoon, but we'll see. Hope everyone's feeling well :)

Detox - Day 4

2009-01-28T06:23:00.004-06:00

Up 0.4 lbs today to 163.6. It's fine. I think that falls within the realm of normal fluctuations. I got rid of my initial water-weight and maybe now it's time for more normal patterns, although I'd still love to get to 162-ish by Saturday.

Yesterday was the first day I did not have a salad, but I had a good amount of veggies. Actually - nutritionally, yesterday was probably the best day I've had. (proportion of carbs to fats to protein, grams of all those, fiber, etc.) I also did not have an orange or much greens, which are required on the detox (citrus, not an orange specifically). So, at the end of the night I took a supplement which is supposed to take the place of the greens and drank a big mug of warm lemon water for the citrus.
Also - I had tofu for the first time this detox. It's not the most highly recommended on the detox, so I'll have leftovers for lunch and then no more until next week.

Here's the breakdown

Breakfast
Smoothie with 1 scoop whey protein, 6 strawberries, 1/2 c. raspberries, 1 tsp. flaxseed oil, 2 tbsp. E3Live (algae), 1 tsp. FloraKey (probiotics), and 1 c. cran-water (1 part unsweetened cranberry juice to 7 parts water)

223 cal.
3 pts.

Lunch
1 c. light split pea soup w/celery, carrots, kale, shiitakes, garlic, & parsely
6 baby carrots
~1 c. red cabbage

158 cal.
2.5 pts.

Snacks
13 Mary's Gone Crackers - original
6 almonds
10 cashews
1 pear

355 cal.
8 pts.

Dinner
Tofu roast with carrots, cashews, red and gold potatoes, cauliflower, shiitakes, olive oil, garlic, salt, pepper, & sage (1/4 of what's in the TwitPic)

534 cal.
12 pts. !!! (mostly from the potatoes and oil)

Totals - actual/goal

Calories: 1,264/1,200-1,550
Fat: 45g/32-56g
Carbs: 178g/163-236g
Protein: 57g/60-127g
Fiber: 35g/25-35g
Sodium: 1,586mg/0-2,300mg

Points: 24.5

Activity: Cher fitness video :) (it's good!) - entire video
38 min. step
10 min. abs
32 min. lower body

(~3 APs)

We're off school for a snow day today!!!
I have so much work to do for class, so I'm definitely going to take advantage of this day and get a lot done.
Hope everyone has a great day!

Detox - Day 3

2009-01-27T06:24:00.002-06:00

I love my scale :)
Down another 0.8 today to 163.2
That's 4.6 total gone from my official Saturday morning weigh-in to now (Tues. morning).

I know only some of that is fat and some is water and some is whatever crap I've just been storing inside me that the detox is helping me get rid of, but whatever it is, I'm glad it's gone.
My goal was to get to 162.8 by my fast day, this coming Saturday, and I'm only 0.4 away!
I'm now just 5.2lbs from my low point (my 10% loss) on this journey in October when I totally fell off the wagon.
I also remeasured my waist at it's narrowest (-2.25 in.), my waist at my belly button (-0.25 in.) and my hips (-1.0 in.)

Plus, I slept all the way through the night last night for the first time in forever. Didn't meet my 8 hrs goal, but I got more than 7.
As for detox side effects - yesterday afternoon my stomach hurt for a few hours. Then on the way home from class I had a headache. But nothing too terrible. Definitely better than the weekend ailments.

I ate everything in my twitpic except the pear, which got smooshed in my lunchbag, and the crackers.

Here's the nutritional and points breakdown....actual/goal

Calories: 1,212/1,200-1,550
Fat: 53g/32-56
Carbs: 143g/163-236
Protein: 56g/60-127
Fiber: 39g/25-35
Sodium: 874mg/0-2,300 (that seems low...I'll have to check to make sure it's right)

WW Points: 23

Activity: nothing - I really, really just can't do it Monday :)

I have no idea what I'm going to pack today...I need to go to the store...hmmmm
Well, I better go figure it out.
See ya later :)

Detox - Day 2

2009-01-26T06:41:00.003-06:00

The scale was down another 1.6 pounds this morning! That's -3.8 total! I wasn't expecting that at all. I thought I'd lose a couple the 1st day because of water-weight, but I guessed maybe a half a pound a day after that at the most. So - happy dance!
I'll be happy if I stay the same for the next 2 weigh-ins, because that would just put me where I'd expected to be. Nice to take a little pressure off - especially since the only exercise I schedule for Mondays is a 10 min. abs workout.

I feel fine right now, but last night Ryan and I were both pretty miserable. He started to feel sick first with a super intense headache...actually, he'd been feeling sick all weekend - even before we started the detox, so he might be fighting something off in addition to 'toxins'.
I was fine except for a light headache and kind of a stitch in my side until 9:30-ish and then I felt my headache get a lot worse, and I felt dizzy and nauseous and sort of like I was feeling waves of heat through my body. Almost like I was getting a fever....just these heat rushes - very weird. I guess that's a part of the process. The problem is my anxiety spiked also, which is the worst for me. I'm not willing to risk backtracking at all in that area. I just had to go to bed and consequently am NOT ready for class this afternoon. (crap!)
Neither of us slept very well and he wound up taking a couple Advil. We figured he needed his sleep and eating clean with Advil is better than NOT eating clean with Advil (we're not supposed to have over the counter meds). Plus, he has a meeting at a Mexican restaurant tonight and isn't really starting the 7-days before the fast until tomorrow. This is like his pre-prequel.

Sunday's nutritional wrap up looks better all around than Saturday's....(actual/goal)
1,347 calories/1200-1550
50g fat/32-56
180g carbs/163-236
61g protein/60-127
43g fiber/25-35
1,766mg sodium (started tracking that too)/0-2,300
25.5 WW Points

Fiber's still too high, but I'm not sure what to do about that....

Exercise was 65 min. walk/jog outside at the hilly park in our town. (3 APs)
I just got over the 1,000 minute mark on my exercise tracker! (below) :)

Okay - I'm off to get ready for the loooooong day. I'll be lucky if I'm home by 9:30. (blech to Mondays)

Detox - Day 1

2009-01-25T08:40:00.002-06:00

Yay! I knew some of that weight at yesterday’s weigh-in was just water. I don’t know if I’ll weigh everyday on the detox, but I weighed this morning and was already down 2.2 lbs. to 165.6. So relieved!

I think yesterday went really well. This detox is just really clean eating, so there’s no reason it shouldn’t go well, I guess. I have a few minor concerns though…

A lot of people have trouble on this type of detox because it might be too much of a fiber increase for their bodies all at once. Being veggie, I already eat a pretty good amount of fiber, but last night I was up for an hour or so with a terrible stomachache that could’ve been because of that. I also tend to have stomach trouble when I eat avocado or beets. And, like a big dummy, I ate them both in one day. So, I’m going to get some magnesium at Walgreen’s today because that’s what the people on the support site for the detox book recommend. They also say drinking hot lemon water helps, but I'd had already had my 84 oz. - I'm only used to 64, so I just didn't feel like drinking any more yesterday.

My other concerns are that I won’t get enough protein or calories. I don’t want to slow down too much on my exercise routine (last week I exercised 5 hrs. and 20 min. – the previous 4 weeks before that combined I exercised 5 hrs. and 38 min. – so I want to keep the momentum going!). Also, I can’t afford energy dips with my busy schedule, and I don’t want to overeat when I finish the detox, so I want to eat clean but still within my ‘recommended’ calorie range. I’m already eating foods that people who do this detox with the primary purpose of losing weight wouldn’t eat. They’re listed in the book as okay to eat if you ‘don’t need to lose weight or are prone to depression.’ Things like sweet potatoes, beans, legumes, nuts – avocado would probably be on that list.

So, I decided that I would follow the detox guidelines but also track my WW points AND use my nutrition page at SparkPeople to keep track of calories, fat, protein, carbs and fiber. Yesterday I entered the info in SparkPeople and then just entered the calories, fat and fiber into the WW online points calculator to figure out points. I really liked that method! Sometimes I’m curious/slightly concerned that I could eat all my points but not get the right calories or nutrition for my body, so I’m comforted by doing both.

My food is at the left (twitpics) I took a pic of everything except my whey protein shake I had last night. At the end of the day yesterday I wound up at 23 points (my WP allowance is 21, but I earned 5 APs, so that’s all good).

My goal is 1200-1550 calories – I ate 1,169 – low, but not terrible.
My goal is 163-236g carbs – I ate 158 – low, but again, fine.
My goal is 60-127g protein – I ate 50 – I’m fine with this – protein is hard for me.
My goal is 32-56g fat – I ate 47 – right in the middle
My goal is 25-35g fiber – I ate 41 – again, too high, but not terrible.

Today I need to start eating and drinking my water earlier so I can pace myself and eat some nuts if my calories are too low. I’m going to add tofu (which we’re only allowed sparingly) or tempeh, which is fine since it’s fermented, to pick up the protein a little too.
Wish me luck! :)

Weigh-Day Restart

2009-01-24T07:56:00.004-06:00

Up 2.8 lbs. to 167.8 today. And really, really feeling it. Pants are tight, I notice the weight on my body, I feel heavy.
This is a bigger number than when I declared my restart on December 7th.

So - I decided that because of that and because this is the first day of my 11-day detox, I'm going to declare a NEW restart day today.

I never really did much of a diet restart anyway. I didn't feel ready or into it for some reason, but now I do.

I'm going into this new restart and detox caught up (pretty much) on both work-work and school-work, with some new good habits (reading before bed, sleeping enough, taking a multi everyday, exercising more consistently, staying on top of chores and personal grooming type things)

So - I updated my measurements and things in my stats to show today as day zero. They were pretty much the same as when I'd taken them in November - about a quarter inch gain all around.

I don't know why I'm not more upset about the big gain this week. Probably because it's my 1st day of TOM, and I ate salty food much later last night than I usually eat anything - so I know it's probably some water retention. And also because this is a new day and I can't control last week. I knew my eating was bad. My exercise was better than it's been in months, though, so I'm also trying to count little victories.

Plus - it's like taking a bad picture when you're about to start a new diet or exercise regimen and thinking "Oh well, at least that'll make a good before picture" :)
At least 167.8 is a good before weight, right? :)
Here's hoping for a good restart/detox day!
I'll try to stay on top of TwitPics (I got out of the habit when their site crashed last week) and update detox progress daily.
Happy Saturday!

Reassessing and Detox - maybe

2009-01-22T06:14:00.006-06:00

Whoops - I've been MIA on the blogging I guess.
I just found out that I don't have school today - I guess we're not going to get above freezing to melt the ice in time for the buses to run...??? I'm not sure. We've been out all week (MLK Day and the rest for weather), but today I just don't get it unless a water pipe broke over a bridge or something....
I've lived in Tennessee for almost 4 years now and I still can't get used to what qualifies for a snow day. Growing up in Chicago, we got so much snow that they couldn't call school for it - plus, the city is flat with no winding, hilly, dangerous roads - and, of course, the city is prepared with fleets of salt trucks and plows. It's just different here. I'm having guilt about it though! :) I hope parents have solid alternative plans - maybe at the Y or at their church....I hope my kids don't get left home alone.

I always get thrown off on my eating plans when my schedule changes and this week has been no exception. Yesterday was better than Monday and Tuesday when I finished a pint of ice cream and a bunch of cookies. Today, I already packed all my food to go to school, so I might just eat that. Or...I might keep it for tomorrow when there's no way we'll be out. We'll see....

I've been trying to focus on other things besides food. I know that, for me, managing my stress and anxiety levels is crucial for being healthy, and that if I feel out of control in my life, I don't have a prayer in my diet.
My plan has now become to take on 1 or 2 healthy habits a week instead of trying to do everything at once. Thinking about it that way has helped me see how far I've come in changing my life - even though I haven't been successful with weight loss yet. I used to have trouble with even the smallest routines, like remembering to take my prescriptions on time every day, keeping the house from becoming a disaster zone, flossing...etc....
I feel like I have a really good handle on those things now. As of this morning, my house is clean and organized (redid my closet yesterday), I've had enough sleep, I'm all caught up on schoolwork, and I've had a pretty good week with my exercise. I also finished ALL of my paperwork-type things for work (until you've worked for 3 years in the district, teachers have to do a 'comprehensive evaluation' every year). Yesterday I did my nails (not painted, just neat and groomed toes and fingers) and shaved...I was going to pluck my eyebrows but my tweezers are missing. New good habits for the past few weeks also include reading before bed which I think helps me sleep more restfully and taking my multivitamin.

I feel well set-up for success now. I also feel the physical effects of the crap I've been feeding my body and am thinking of doing a detox as a jumpstart to adding healthy foods to my healthy habits. About a year ago I did the Fast-Track Fat Flush Detox - from one of Ann Louise Gittleman's books. It's an 11 day program with 7 days of getting your body ready to fast, 1 fasting day and 3 days of 'recovery'. I lost 6 pounds in the 11 days last year - Ryan lost 9. I felt great - he was hungry and crabby, so if he does it this year, he's going to add more food.
It's basically a pretty sensible combination of including certain types of foods to support your liver and intestines in cleaning up and avoiding crap.

You HAVE to eat cruciferous veggies; leafy greens; citrus; 'sulfur-rich foods' (I choose garlic and daikon radishes); 'liver healers' (I choose artichokes, celery, whey protein, nutritional yeast, beets and dandelion tea...which tastes like dirt, by the way); fiber from carrots, apples, pears, berries, and/or flaxseeds; protein (for me, the vegetarian, this is pretty limited - I can have whey protein, and blue green algae in smoothies, I can have beans, but it will slow weight-loss, and I can have tofu but not more than 2-3 times); lots of room-temp water (half your body weight in ounces), and 1-2 tbsp. of healthy oils (flaxseed or olive)

You CAN'T eat non-healthy fats or too much fat; any sugar including honey and maple syrup; artificial sweetners; refined carbs; gluten; soy-protein isolates like in fake meat products and protein bars; alcohol; caffeine; over the counter drugs; cheese and milk

That's the first 7 days - I have to go back and read the book again, but I think the last 3 days are the same, but you get to add in yogurt. There's some supplements I need to review as well.

I'm not clear about this - but I think if it's not on the 'avoid' list, you can have it. Oh! And you're supposed to drink unsweetened cranberry juice mixed with water on the fast day and the rest of the days too.

So, I think we're going to start that Saturday.
Right now I'm going to take advantage of my snow day and get myself off to the gym, come home and do some classwork and then go to class this afternoon.

Workouts

2009-01-18T21:42:00.004-06:00

I never actually made it to the gym yesterday, but I made up for it today. I got a cheap set of weights to use at home and did most of the strength training I had planned to do yesterday at home today. I did biceps, triceps, chest, back, and shoulders. I didn't do abs and I only did squats for legs - that might be the one thing I need the strength training equipment at the gym for.

I also did my scheduled Sunday workout which is walking and a little bit of jogging at the park. Usually we quit after one lap (1.9 miles), but today I continued with my planned two and Ryan played a round of frisbee golf while I finished - that way we're both happy - I get to finish my workout and he gets to do what he likes :)
It was ~3.8 miles, ~8000 steps, and an hour and 5 minutes. I jog for 30 second intervals and walk basically until I feel like jogging again. The park is pretty hilly, so I feel like even though I probably only jogged for a total of 5 minutes, that I'm getting a good workout. I'm certainly pink and sweaty enough!

I'm really happy that even though I didn't do my weights yesterday, that I made up for that today and stuck to my weekend routine close enough to planned. I'm trying to set up non-negotiable exercise time in my schedule, and routines are the best way for me to do that.
Right now the plan is weights Saturday, walk/jog in the park with Ryan Sunday, just abs Monday, aerobics at home (walking, step aerobics video or jump rope) on Tuesday, aerobics with Ryan at the gym Wednesday, pilates video Thursday, and aerobics either at home or gym Friday.

Here's my workout mix - very random - it's funny how some songs I probably wouldn't sit down and listen to normally are great for workout mixes. The last 4 songs aren't mixed in very well - I just added them recently - the few before that are meant to be my cooldown, but I just skip around anyway.

Workout Mix
Southern Girl – Erykah Badu
Fat Bottomed Girls – Queen
Brown Girl (Suga Plum) – Jurassic 5 w/Brick & Lace
Heartbreaker – Mariah Carey
It Feels So Good – Sonique
This Love – Maroon 5
Push It – Salt-N-Pepa
Adrenaline – The Roots
Run Away - ? Random 90s ‘club mix’
Beat It – Michael Jackson
Toxic – Brittney Spears
Milkshake – Kelis
Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stefani
Crazy Bitch – Buckcherry
Fuel – Metallica
Black Horse and the Cherry Tree – KT Tunstall
One Loaf of Bread (Something for You) – Damian Marley
Thelonius – Common & Slum Village
Vivrant Thing – Q-Tip
Electric Relaxation – A Tribe Called Quest
Hard Knock Life – Jay-Z
Beautiful World – Tony Dee
We’re Gonna Make It - Damian Marley
Hot N Cold – Katy Perry
Rehab – Amy Winehouse
Umbrella – Rihanna
Disturbia - Rihanna

Weigh-Day

2009-01-17T08:45:00.003-06:00

At least I didn't gain :)
Weight today is 165.0 which is down 0.2 from last week.
That's not too bad, really. Since last weigh-in, I only had 1 totally on plan eating day, 3 pretty terrible eating days , and 3 days (2 hrs 50 min.) of exercise. This week was heavy on stress with my 1st observation at work, 2 days of driving to Knoxville for class and the uncertainty about going to grad school (then the added gift of stress I gave to myself by not reading my articles for class until the day before). But I felt like the work week ended well with my spurt of energy and happiness yesterday. I'll try to build on it.

Although last night I was back to the restless sleep and nightmares. I have no idea why - I had a good day, I did eat sugar but it was at noon - hours and hours before I went to bed. I had a glass of wine, but I don't think that could've done it....I had tons of physical activity with the gym and then cleaning the house for hours. I unwinded before sleeping by reading my book (not a scary book) for 20 minutes. It's a mystery!

I've always had vivid nightmares. When I was little they were usually either about enormously oversized gorillas (which I was in no way afraid of in the waking hours) or super-fast freight trains. In both sets of dreams, most of the time, I could hear either the gorilla stomping or the freight train approaching in the pitch black dark before I could see them and then they'd emerge and close in on me. In one very creepy variation of the freight train dream I got on the train and it was decorated Victorian style with a music box playing and girls in frilly dresses playing games on the floor...but not in a cute way...in a very 'twins from The Shining' style. And in a few variations of the gorilla dream I was sad for the gorilla - once I went to visit him either in prison or behind bars because he'd been captured by the circus (can't remember), and in one he'd been killed and there was a funeral procession through town....the street was covered with banana peels and other parts of fruit he'd left behind and everyone was crying.
I also remember a recurring dream in which I was playing board games in the hall with my mother when all of a sudden she'd start counting backwards from 10 (in a very monotone, sort of robotic, unfriendly voice). I'd have to get the game cleaned up and be back in my bed before she got to zero or unmentioned 'bad things' would happen. What was wrong with me?! They sound like anxiety and guilt dreams to me - maybe I've always had anxiety....hmmmm....
For a long time most of my nightmares were pretty genericly about me being chased by a group of guys with either guns or knives and then being shot or stabbed.
Now they're often about someone breaking into my house and hiding inside to attack me.
Well...I don't know...I just wish they faded from my memory more quickly when I woke up.....

Anyway...I changed my exercise tracker (bottom of the page) to a more reasonable 6000 minutes of exercise by my b-day July 18th instead of the 9000 I had before.
I'm going to finish my tea and head off to the gym for my Saturday strength training work out. This will be the first time in a long time I've actually stuck to that schedule 2 weeks in a row. Maybe I'll head to the sauna with my book again :)

Not a dropout

2009-01-16T19:19:00.007-06:00

Wow - I don't know why, but I'm having a really great day! Not perfect diet-wise, but I've been happy and energetic and feeling healthy and strong from the moment I woke up this morning. It's freezing here - it was 5 degrees this morning and school was cancelled because of concern that kids wouldn't dress appropriately and it would be dangerous for them to wait for buses....it's Tennessee - we're not used to this kind of cold.

That means I get a 4 day weekend! Yay! It couldn't come at a better time. So, I could've slept in, but I couldn't wait to start the day.

I woke up, had my huge mug of tea, threw in a load of laundry and got ready for the gym (and I don't know WHY my twitpic of me going to the gym has to be cropped like that...not cute)

I got to the Y at 8 and went on this new Precor machine called the AMT that lets you do either an elliptical motion but with a really long stride if you want it or a stair climber motion. I stayed on for an hour doing a mix, and I feel like I really pushed myself in a good way. It was a nice feeling to take my heart rate and think - hmmmm...I really should slow that down. :)

Then I remembered that when I lived in Chicago I used to use the sauna at the gym as an incentive to work out. I LOVE the sauna. So I'd make a deal with myself that if I got there and did something for an hour that I could have time in the sauna.

So I decided to give that a try. I brought my book in from class and stayed in for 30 minutes.

I think I'll try that more often.

I got home at 10 and pretty much cleaned the house ALL day except for 50 min. when I watched last night's CSI. I had so much energy I did some of my chores (clutter, organizing, laundry, dusting, windex) and then decided to do Ryan's (kitchen, bathroom, vacuuming) so he wouldn't have to this weekend. He cooks dinner for us almost every night, so he really takes on more than I do.

Food-wise, I had that huge smoothie for breakfast when I got home from the gym. It's pretty heavy on the points because of the flaxseed oil, but I don't care - I think it's healthy. The cranberry juice is unsweetened, the protein powder is as natural as I could find (from the Fat Flush diet).

I had 3 100 calorie nutty bars, a bag of SmartFood cheddar popcorn and 2 handfuls of yogurt pretzels in the middle of the day which wasn't great, but it didn't really change my mood.

Before dinner I had some rice crackers, cashews and hummus. And for dinner I had pasta with pesto, veggies, vegetarian meatballs and a glass of white wine. I also remembered my multi and extra vitamin C. I didn't count points.

The snacking was about half an hour after I took my anxiety meds. I hadn't eaten before I took them and I got this funny, dizzy feeling and a surge of cravings. I don't know why, but it felt like it was connected to the meds....who knows...

In other news - I went to class last night and was able to read my articles before I got there and participate somewhat competently in class, and I made the decision not to drop out. It's a little intimidating because I'm the only non-PhD student there, but maybe the prof will take pity. I'm going to stick with these classes, do my best to stay ahead of schedule with my work, and just take it a semester at a time. Maybe that's why I felt good today. The decision had been weighing heavily on my mind.

I think that's all - Ryan and I are going to watch Wednesday's Top Chef now. I like my new DVR :) :)

What happened?!

2009-01-14T10:09:00.005-06:00

That was crazy! For probably half an hour after work I was like a kitchen Tazmanian devil! Just a whirlwind through the fridge and pantry and it was over - I don't even know what happened - just a trail of wrappers in my wake and a dazed look on my face and I hadn't even felt like I'd been having cravings.
I was hungry and had too much of a headache to start my workout right away, so I ate my 2nd Clementine on the way home and then had a chocolate chip granola bar when I got home - that wouldn't have been bad at all, but then I had more rice crackers and hummus and about 20 barbeque chips..and then for some reason I made a bowl of ice cream - almost a cup with sprinkles and a Reece's PB cup. And it just kept snowballing - I had another granola bar, 2 mini candy canes, a truffle and 2 ginger chews. That really came out of nowhere.
The silver lining for me is that if I'd done that before I would've ruined my dinner as well, but yesterday I just had a bowl of coconut, lemongrass, tofu and veggie soup with broccoli and lemon and a ton of water.
I really felt the effects though - my anxiety skyrocketed and my concentration plummeted.
I need a plan the next time that happens. To have a cup of tea, chew gum and go for a walk maybe before I eat any more than I'd planned....

Oooookay....
So - breakfast, lunch, dinner and my first snack were great yesterday. I drank enough water. I ate my fruits and veggies. I took my multi. Can I just ignore the afternoon disaster?! No? It doesn't work like that?
Oh well - I guess today's a new day and hopefully a better one diet-wise.

School is already stressing me out! (grad school). I wish I hadn't signed up for classes this semester. I feel like if I didn't have a job and if I wasn't in grad school, that getting myself healthy could be a full time job - just learning new habits, going to counseling (which I never did after my dad died and know I still should), exercising, sleeping enough, learning new ways of thinking and organizing....yeah....I have a long way to go and that could, for sure, be a full-time job.
Of course teaching is more than a full time job.
So - I know I really shouldn't be taking on school now.
If I drop before Friday I can still get an 80% refund.
I'm going to do my readings for class today (7 articles), go to that class tomorrow and then see how I feel.
I'll update today's food journal tonight.

Back to counting points

2009-01-12T21:05:00.002-06:00

1st day back to counting WW points; first work-day using TwitPics; first day of classes at UT!

I thought I'd packed everything I was going to eat for the day this morning (21 pts worth, which is my daily allowance). But I was hungry all day, and still hungry and headachy when I got home, so I had 2 tempeh tacos (corn tortillas, 1/2 slice of havarti cheese, fried tempeh, cabbage, romaine lettuce and Wizard's hot sauce - 5.5 pts.) that Ryan had made for dinner.

Total: 26.5 points

I did pretty well with my GHGs too - no time for exercise, but everything else was good.

I'm going to try to stick with a better diet, taking a multi and taking my exercise and sleep seriously because I'm honestly starting to think something's the matter with me - I'm soooo exhausted all the time! I used to have no trouble getting up early and starting the day, and if I had a project to work on I could go - full of energy - for hours and hours. Now it seems like it's a struggle just to get through the day - and, I don't know if this makes sense, but it's usually that I'm more tired than sleepy - almost like an overtired feeling.
So - fingers crossed I'll feel better just improving my health habits. My mom wonders if I have SAD, but I don't think so... I will look into how much vitamin D I'm getting though, because I don't spend much time in the sun at all.

I'm off to get a bit of work done and then I'm crashing! It's another 4:45 alarm clock morning tomorrow :( Booooo!

Quick food & exercise journal

2009-01-11T21:40:00.005-06:00

Food
no breakfast
lunch: Indian buffet - 2 wedges of naan, ~10 thin pakora strips with chutney, potato and carrots dish, saag paneer, yellow daal, rice, chickpea and apples salad

dinner: coconut, lemongrass, tofu and veggie soup (large bowl)

dessert: 1 c. Green & Blacks's chocolate ice cream with sprinkles and 1 Reece's PB cup

snacks: finished a bag of potato chips (~1/2 serving); 4 ginger chews; 2 mini candy-canes, 8 small rice and sesame crackers with pepper hummus, 2 small squares chocolate, 2 mini candy cane truffles....wow they were all such small bites, but it really adds up to a lot when I look at it now...

Exercise
walking only at the park - 5,000 steps; 2.5 miles, 50 minutes

I was soooo tired for at least the first half of the day - I think that's why I started craving sugary foods - and they did wake me up. I mean...I was scary tired - I thought something was wrong. I wonder if my body is just so used to the sugar it feels like it needs it.
I thought I'd slept well, but within 2 hours of waking up (after 9 hours of sleep) I was like a zombie. On the plus side, I made myself go out in 20-something degree weather and flurries to walk in the park. I didn't jog, because for some reason I nearly always twist my ankles when I try to run in the cold. But it was a good, brisk, hilly walk for 50 minutes, so I feel good about it. The most important thing to me is staying in the pattern of getting some activity every day, whether or not it's the toughest workout. I was sweaty and pink and out of breath, so - good enough for me!

I didn't get my asthma meds this week. I was diagnosed with asthma when I was 11, but it wasn't bad at all until I went away to college. From 18 to around 24 it was pretty bad. I used to sleep with my inhaler in my hand because I'd always need it in the middle of the night and would panick if it wasn't right there with me. I only needed to go to the emergency room once, and even then, though I was in a lot of distress, I still drove myself to the hospital so I know it could've been worse. It hasn't been bad for at least 5 years now. I didn't see any problems with it at all from about age 25 until 28 when we moved to Cookeville (asthma unfriendly territory), and I found myself not wheezing, but not able to take full, deep breaths - just a strange, constantly a bit short of breath feeling, but pretty mild. My dr. put me on Singulair and I've been taking it for awhile now. This week my insurance stopped covering it and I would've had to pay $75 for it, so I'm going to try going off of it and see what happens. I'm still going to take something for my allergies everyday, but just try to increase my lung capacity with exercise and start watching the sugar and chocolate a lot more to see if that helps.

Gotta go to bed. Big day tomorrow! Goodnight!

Weigh-Day

2009-01-10T21:30:00.000-06:00

Ouch - up 3 pounds to 165.2
I knew it was coming though - no way to avoid that when you eat like I ate this week and don't exercise much.
Okay...moving on.
I kept up with the TwitPic journaling today and I think I like it :)
My pictures keep coming out with funny, unnatural looking colors and a lot of blurriness - I can't tell if it's me or the camera - maybe I'll figure that out someday soon.

Food Journal:
breakfast: - 1 granny smith apple, 1 Clementine, 1 Van's wheat free flax waffle, & 2 tbsp. raw, creamy, organic almond butter (7.5 points)
lunch: leftover tortellini (1 c.) with pesto (1 tbsp.) and parmesan (1 tbsp.) & leftover roasted veggies and tofu (12.5 points...maybe...Ryan made the roast last night but forgot to measure the olive oil, so we estimated 1/4 c. which was probably a huge overestimate...oh well - we'll measure next time)
snacks: banana chips (6.5 points), 3 ginger chews (0.5 points), and 1/3 c. mixed M&Ms and mini Reece's Pieces (est. 7.5 points)
(no dinner - big, late lunch and too many snacks)
total: 34.5 points

Exercise Log: (I didn't remember to bring a notebook with, so this is as best I can remember)
Strength training at the gym and abs video at home - I worked out for a total of 1 hr. 35 min, but I'm just counting an hour because of all the rest and stretching between sets.

Abs: Denise Austin "personal training system - abs"
Biceps: curls, 12.5 pounds, 3 sets, 15 reps
Triceps: kickbacks - 5 pounds, 3 sets, 15 reps; extension (overhead) - 5 pounds, 3 sets, 12 reps; dips (machine)- with 112 pounds of support, 3 sets, 10 reps
Shoulders: front raises - 7.5 pounds, 3 sets, 15 reps; side raises - 5 pounds, 3 sets, 15 reps; overhead press - 10 pounds, 3 sets, 12 reps
Chest: fly (machine) - 45 pounds, 3 sets, 12 reps; seated press (machine) - 45 pounds, 3 sets, 12 reps
Back: seated row (machine) - 50 pounds (?), 3 sets, 12 reps; pull-down - 55 pounds (?), 3 sets, 12 reps
Lower body (all on machines): abduction - 100 pounds, 3 sets, 15 reps; adduction - 80 pounds, 3 sets, 15 reps; extension - (? weight), 3 sets, 12 reps; seated curls - (? weight) 3 sets, 12 reps); press and lying down calf raises on same machine - 100 pounds (?), 3 sets each, 15 reps each

All in all, not a bad day. I poked around some blogs and the WW message boards, ran some errands, cleaned the house a bit (more to do tomorrow), watched the miserable Titans lose their way out of the playoffs, remembered my vitamin, had fun with TwitPics, talked to my mom, and...I think that's it...the day really flew by!

I guess I'm going to get ready for bed at 9:30 on a Saturday night, because I'm just that exciting!
I always get so wiped out on weight lifting days - and I want to get in some more reading time.
Hoping for a good, productive day tomorrow before my first real classes of the semester at UT on Monday.

food journaling with TwitPic

2009-01-09T21:46:00.005-06:00

Just a quick note to say that I'm going to try using TwitPic to post pictures of stuff I eat during the day. I haven't quite figured out if I set it up correctly, so we'll see tomorrow. I think what I'll do during the weekday is take pics of the food I pack for breakfast, lunch and snack all together and then when I get home I can post dinner and dessert. It might be a lot for me to keep up with though, so this weekend is just a try-out.
I'm also thinking I'd like to try one new recipe or way of preparing food (sprouting, dehydrating...something!) each week and that posting about it here might motivate me to stick to that. Ryan is the cook in our house, and I really, really appreciate him for that, but I should be able to make some sort of contribution in that area. It's only fair.
That will probably be a weekend day since I take forever to work in the kitchen. I'm just gonna play it by ear.

no snow day!

2009-01-08T13:12:00.002-06:00

Oh man - I really wanted a snow day today. I shouldn't have had the ice cream so close to bedtime last night - I couldn't sleep, had 2 nightmares and then cycled through one of those weird dreams in which you think you're awake in your dream...doing mundane things....then you realize in your dream that you're dreaming and wake up and start doing more mundane morning things.....only you didn't really wake up you just thought you did...and it goes on and on...I don't know why, but I don't sleep well with those - very agitating. Then I was just up completely for an hour lying in bed before I got out of bed an was up for another hour. No fun. It was supposed to snow and then the forecast abruptly changed and...nothing. Sigh...

Today is the first day of my classes at UT-Knoxville - I'm getting permission to leave work/school early to go to grad school. It won't take away from the time I'd be with my kids - they're already on their way to buses when I'll be leaving, but I just won't stay until 3:15. I have an agreement to get to work school early in the morning and leave early for class on Mondays and Thursdays. I'm hoping we'll get out of class early since it's the first day, and I'll be home by 7:30.

Food-wise today's been fine so far. I had a low-fat raspberry yogurt for breakfast, this really yummy new Amy's frozen meal - tamale verde with cheese, rice and beans for lunch, and a few banana chips in between. I don't have anything else with me but a package of cheese crackers, more banana chips and 2 Clementines, so I'm going to eat those during my commute back and forth from Knoxville (it takes me an hour and 40 minutes to get to campus). It will be too late to eat when I get back, even if we're let out early, so that should be it. I'm never this bad with the veggies - I'll try to work on that tomorrow.

UPDATE: I emailed my prof for tonight's class (I know her from 2 classes last semester) to tell her I would be a little late and she replied that since she's just planning to hand out the syllabus and dismiss shortly after that, that I shouldn't make that long drive. She offered just to email it to me. So nice of her! So - plans have changed. I'll update the food journal tomorrow.

A bit of a meltdown, but feeling better

2009-01-07T12:57:00.007-06:00

Yesterday I ate some crap. It wasn't the most food I've eaten, I don't think it could be classified as a binge calorie-wise, but the psychology behind it was definitely where I've been in the past when I've binged. I want to detail it because I looove to publicly humiliate myself!
No...wait...that's not why...
I want to detail it because I'm hoping to start having more success, and I'm certain that I'll have difficult moments again in the future, and I want to be able to look back at this entry and think...wow....that sucked but it doesn't have to become an out-of-control downward spiral because look! I climbed out of it! (that's the plan, anyways)

I posted yesterday about a healthy breakfast and feeling tired. I was having cravings. By the time I left work I was plotting a junk-food/Blockbuster run. And here's the run-down of me going to the 'bad place'.

1) I had a dvd to return to Blockbuster (season 1 of Weeds), but instead of going home to pick it up and then taking it with me to check out the next disc (season 2), I went straight to Blockbuster. I didn't go home first because I was worried about how much time I had before Ryan got home. I wanted to eat my junk and watch my junk in private. So - the secrecy is the 1st sign of Unhealthy Decision.

2) When I got to Kroger I went straight for the ice cream and sprinkles. Then I got a cupcake at the bakery section and filled a bag with a scoop of mini-M&Ms and a scoop of Reece's Pieces. The ice cream and sprinkles are no different nutritionally from the other stuff, but here's why one is okay with me and the other is a sign of certain doom.

When I got the ice cream I was thinking about what flavor Ryan would want - I was thinking of eating with him, not alone, so there were not going to be any obscene portions or hiding of evidence. Not the best food choice, maybe, but not something I'm worried about. When I got the cupcake I was thinking "hmmm...is this a wrapper I can stuff in the trash can and hide?", and "Should I get the cupcake with the plastic balloon decoration on top so it looks like I'm buying it for a good, celebratory reason and not just to pig out by myself?" and when I got to the candy bins I was thinking "How much of this did I eat last time when I felt so sick? Maybe (maybe!) I should get less this time.", and "Maybe I should just get a bag of fun-size chocolate things so it looks like I'm buying it for long term, for my kids at school, for a party, anything but for me alone."

3) I don't know how to describe this...but when I was on my way out I was weighing whether I had enough to take home with me....there was something odd about it...in the way I was trying to make the decision about what 'enough' was. I'm still not sure how I decided it was....was it the time it would take me to eat? Was it how full or sick I'd feel afterwards? I don't know...just something off about making a decision about 'enough' that had nothing to do with health or balance. Plus I was again worrying about secret eating and dvd watching time and that motivated me to stop shopping.

When I got in the car, I opened my bag of M&Ms and Reece's Pieces and started eating - paranoid (bad sign #4) that the people in other cars were looking at me and thinking what an oinker I looked like!

When I got home I ate the cupcake, stuffed the wrapper and balloon decorations (yes, I bought that one) in the trash and then took out the trash because it was too full to conceal the evidence (very bad sign #5)

I finished the chocolate while watching my dvds and sank into the couch. When Ryan came home I was feeling off (hmmm...wonder why).... We had a healthy dinner of bean and veggie tacos and hung out for a while and everything was fine, but - long story short, he very reasonably and sweetly suggested that I help him clean up and get ready for bed so I could catch up on my sleep instead of watching my 3rd Weeds episode, and that somehow triggered a complete hysterical, crying, meltdown with me wailing incoherently about just wanting my free-time to do nothing before starting back with grad school Thursday (something I have huge anxiety about...for another post). So - I got that out of my system, sat outside for 10 minutes to cool off, went back in and apologized profusely for being psycho and thanked him for not throwing me in a cold shower.

And, I've felt better since. (except that I feel pretty bad about putting Ryan through that)
We had a good talk about how I've taken on too much and how I'm just going to try grad school this semester, but if I really can't do it and stay balanced after a month I'm going to drop a class and that's that.
I didn't even touch the ice cream or sprinkles.

In a very silly sign that I've been watching too much sports TV, I woke up with the song the NFL has in their commercials for fantasy league football - "You Had a Bad Day" - Daniel Powter (you know..."you had a bad day; you're taking one down; you sing a sad song just to turn it around") And decided to interpret that to mean that I had just had a bad day but shouldn't let it ruin the week - not that I need to turn the playoffs off this weekend.

Anywho...Today I've had a low-fat blueberry yogurt for breakfast and some leftover tofu, kale, rice and veggies stir fry with peanut sauce for lunch. I think I'm going to have a Clif bar now so I'm not too starving when I get home to exercise. The plan is to do my Cher step aerobics which is the most likely exercise to keep my mood up. That and to not take anything out on Ryan no matter what I feel like inside.

Oh - 1 more thing - my work started a biggest loser competition today so I signed up and weighed in with all my clothes, shoes, sweatshirt, jewelry, etc. on. I was at 168. Just one more incentive to keep pushing through.

UPDATE: I did have the Clif bar; I did my step aerobics video and a 10 minute abs; I had eggplant lightly breaded in Panko, steamed broccoli with lemon and parmesan, and cheese tortellini with pesto for dinner and about 1/2 a cup of part Chunky Monkey and part Cherry Garcia frozen yogurt for dessert. So - I feel pretty good about today and I'm going to go read a bit and get some sleep!

Shaky but trying

2009-01-06T12:09:00.002-06:00

I was so tired this morning. I'm really going to have to get used to the alarm going off at 4:45. I can't go back to sleep, so I think I'll just get myself in bed to read ridiculously early - like 8:30. Because it's after noon and I'm still exhausted!
So far I had my multi-vitamin and big (3 c.) mug of lemon tea with a wheat free waffle, banana and 12 almonds (5.5 points) and recorded it at WW online's food tracker. I didn't leave myself time to make a salad so I grabbed an Amy's tofu lasagna and just finished that for lunch. (I have to check the points)
I'm still having cravings - I think it's linked to being tired.
I don't know how I'll do with them today, but whatever it is I'll post about it.
I have 2 goals for today - go to bed early because I will never get back on track this tired.
And exercise.
There's a lot of other stuff that I'd like to do...that I should do...but I'm trying to prioritize and set the bar a little low. Time to get back to work!

I wish this day were over

2009-01-05T16:36:00.003-06:00

This day needs to be scrapped or burned or flushed down the toilet - I definitely 100% believe in moment-to-moment choices and not letting one bad moment spoil the rest, but I really want a fresh start....
My workshops were fine, but then at the end my supervisor made a weird comment to me and I've been fixating on it and feeling upset. We were talking about our ESL assessments and she was speaking to me and another teacher and made a comment that I needed to not do everything - that we had to communicate and share the load - and I jokingly said "Yeah, Brittany - haha!" (Brittany is the teacher, who's a friend of mine and who would never not share the load...which is why it was jokingly). And my supervisor said no, that if I took everything on it would be my fault...only it didn't seem so jokingly....Anyway - it was just a funny tone and I didn't know how to take it. And I'm very sensitive and take forever to cool off and probably misinterpret/blow things out of proportion all the time. Which is why I didn't pursue asking her what she meant...
So - the eating confession...
I inhaled a bunch of junkfood in a stress induced stupor between lunch and now. That, in the interest of meeting one of my 2009 goals of full disclosure, included probably 2 servings of potato chips, 2 bags of peanut M&Ms, a Reece's Whips bar, 3 ginger chews, a few bites of strawberry sorbet, 4 or 5 cookies (Pepperidge Farm Brussels or something...), and probably 6 squares of chocoloate. OMG!!! I also had a healthy leftover stirfry lunch, but...whatever...I guess I don't get any pats on the back for that.
Well - there it is - out in the open. And since I don't want to report that again I'm going to try not to do that again. And in an hour or so if I have an anxiety episode I'm going to kick myself but not feel an ounce of surprise.
Ryan will be home in an hour to tell me about his first day. I'm going to zone out and read some blogs and news articles (I think I'll check out BBC, Mother Jones and Amnesty International) until then, then eat with him, exercise, shower, read and sleep early. I always feel like my fresh starts need to begin in the afternoon or evening prior to going to bed to set up the next day well. Here goes...

Blech...first Monday back at work

2009-01-05T06:30:00.004-06:00

Ug. I'm so dreading this week. It feels like with all the traveling and hosting for the holidays, and starting the break with strep throat, that the time flew by, I didn't get done what I needed to by today, and now I'm just not ready to go back.

Ryan is on his way to start his new internship in Nashville. First day! I'm so proud of him. He's been nervous though and didn't get to sleep for a long time last night - I got to sleep first, but I was up way past when I wanted to, partially with him and partially because in a moment of complete idiocy I consumed probably a cup of mini M&Ms and Reece's Pieces. I thought I was supposed to have learned my lesson about that the day before....hmmmm....not good.

So - I didn't really set myself up to start the week right. We got up at 4:45 so Ryan could get ready and start his long commute by 5:45 - that turned into 6 when we couldn't find his keys. Ah!

So I'm really, really tired right now. Sleep is #1 hugest priority for me - I don't know what my problem is but everything I struggle with is magnified when I'm sleep deprived - allergies, anxiety, asthma...everything. And my mood's not so hot either! The worst thing is that I know this about myself and did it anyway. I'm trying to at least make today more productive than I made yesterday.

I typed up my list of goals this morning - a sort of informal daily checklist to keep me focused.

I've also been working on doing my 'educator information record' and am starting on my 'future growth plan' - teacher paperwork stuff that I should've had done already. Today there are no kids - just workshops. I signed up for a workshop that would've given me time to work on this paperwork stuff, but it was cancelled last minute when I went to double check my schedule last night. So - I figured as long as I'm up early I might as well just conduct my own little workshop.

Today I'm going to 4 sessions. One on the new high school standards. I teach elementary grades, but I need to know where they're headed. The others are on autism and aspergers, the school system's budget (because I want to eventually go into policy), and the ELDA inventory (standardized ESL assessment for primary grades). I should get to just listen and absorb (no role play or getting-to-know-you activities) most of the day, except the ESL workshop which is a share/brainstorm session with people I know. I think that's a good mode for me today - I'll learn valuable info but won't have to expend too much physical energy. Aren't I just a ray of sunshine? :) I'll try to get a better attitude by this afternoon. The plan is go to workshops, come home and do my pilates video, finish my lesson plans and future growth plan and get ready for my evaluation tomorrow, then clean and shut down the activity early so I can get to bed at 9.
I'm off to get ready.

Post holiday wrap up

2009-01-04T09:18:00.006-06:00

Wow - I haven't posted since Wednesday. It's been busy around here! We did Christmas and Hannukah on their actual dates with my family in Chicago, but when we got back we still had to celebrate Christmas with Ryan's family. We got back on Tuesday and spent that day, Wednesday and part of Thursday trying to get unpacked and reorganized, clean up, shop and plan for the weeekend. Ryan's dad got here Thursday and his mom and aunt came Friday.

We had been wanting to try some raw foods recipes and thought his family would be open to being our guinea pigs and they were. It turned out great! We mixed raw and regular (vegetarian) foods and it took forever to prepare, but turned out so elegent and yummy. We served 3 courses and took breaks for opening presents and hanging out in between. I took pictures of the table and the first course below. It's our first holiday hosting duties, so I'm excited with the whole thing.

1st course - We had summer rolls (marinated veggies, avocado, young coconut meat, basil and arugula) - 2 wrapped in thinly sliced cucumber and 1 in a regular rice paper wrapper; a young coconut meat pad thai with almond chile sauce (those 2 were the raw recipes), and fried tempeh with 3 dipping sauces (peanut tofu, almond chile, and the soy vey Caribbean teriyaki from a bottle - you can see them in the middle of the table)

2nd & 3rd courses I don't have pictures of. 2nd course was a yummy coconut lemongrass soup. We just used those packaged noodle soup (almost like ramen noodles, honestly) in the lemongrass chile flavor, and added the coconut water from the young coconuts and canned coconut milk. Best ever! Yummmmmm.

3rd course was brown rice with steamed veggies, stir fried tofu and kale, and peanut sauce. One of my favorites. Everyone loved it and I'm so relieved!

As far as the weight loss progress goes...I haven't been so diligent. We did go on a pretty tough hike together on Saturday, but that's all the exercise I've had. I may go on a walk 2x around the 1.8 mile lap at the park if I can get Ryan to come with me. I'm way too paranoid to go alone. Maybe it has something to do with growing up in the city, but I get nervous jogging through woodsy areas - like someone's going to jump out of a tree at me :)

I've been vaguely trying to make healthy choices, but haven't been counting points or being very restrictive. I'm not giving myself a free pass for the holidays or my vacation and I haven't been binging or eating secretly (my danger zones), but I wouldn't say my choices have been diet friendly either. AND - I missed my weigh in. Oh...wait...I can just weigh in now. It's only a day late. I'm so smart :-P

Okay - I'm back and at 162.2. I didn't have an accurate weigh in last week, but I think I called it 163 because it looked like my mom's scale was 4 pounds lower than mine and it said I was 159. So...to have a loss at all this week is pretty awesome and surprising and here's why...

Yesterday Ryan's dad made potatoes with tofu and orange slices for breakfast. We took them to the Indian buffet for lunch - I had naan, aloo ghobi, sag palaak, a chick pea salad, pakora and chutney. Later we had leftovers from Christmas/New Years meal (just the raw stuff so, not bad at all - there was no leftover soup, tempeh or stir fry). I also snacked on cashews (maybe 6), beet and sweet potato chips (maybe 12), chocolate (ummm...I think....wow - 10 pieces, each 1" sq.), and some ginger chews (probably 5). Later I had a whole bunch - at least half a pint of Haagen Dazs chocolate chocolate chip ice cream that had me wired and anxious and up until almost 1 AM reading archives at Pasta Queen then my book. I learned my lesson I hope - that did not feel great.

So - today I'm going to look back through the list of 2009 goals that I wrote out on Wednesday morning and make a list that I can print out just to check and peek at periodically - to keep myself focused. I've also left myself with a lot of work left to do to get ready for work again tomorrow. I want to journal my food today - maybe I'll look into posting pics on twitter pic (I saw Laura at The Pursuit of Healthyness doing that and it looks like a good idea), and exercise. If I do that and get some work done, it will be a good day.

2008 Year-in-Review

2008-12-31T09:36:00.003-06:00

2008 was a year of ups and downs, like most - there were some positive things that I feel good about, some choices I wish I'd made differently, some sad times, some happy....and here they are...

Things to Celebrate
1) I finished my ESL endorsement (a 20 credit-hour program at my local university - Tennessee Tech) and became certified to teach ESL. AND I finished that program with straight A's.
2) I started my 2nd master's program, a program called Cultural Studies in Educational Foundations at the University of Tennessee at Knoxville - 4.0 GPA after my first 3 classes this fall.
3) I joined Weight Watchers in July and am down 13 pounds, but more importantly have made a committment to a healthy lifestyle change. After a relapse in November, I DIDN'T QUIT.
4) I started my blog to keep myself honest and accountable and to try to connect with others on similar journeys
5) I've started to deal with the anxiety/panic issues that I've been struggling with for a long time, but especially since my father died in June of 2007 - so far that means I've been talking to my doctor about it, taking meds for it, and have been trying to take and monitor risks by not avoiding all the situations my anxiety begs me to.
6) Ryan and I celebrated our 4-year anniversary (4 years together, not married)
7) Barack Obama's historic election
8) I've been doing better with some very basic good habits such as taking my meds everyday and close to the same time everyday; doing physical maintenance like taking care of my nails, skin, eyebrows, flossing, etc.,; keeping the house from becoming a total wreck, staying hydrated
9) I turned 30...I guess that's something to celebrate :)

The Not-So-Great
1) My cat, Linus died in December
2) I had a rough November diet-wise, and gained back 9 of the 18 pounds I lost between July and October
3) Even though I did well in my classes, I did not avoid procrastinating, and while my GPA is 4.0, I know I could've learned the material more effectively
4) I did not make any progress whatsoever on some goals I've had for at least the past decade, namely - to learn Spanish, to become more crafty, to learn to cook some basic recipes, to learn to play a musical instrument, to build new friendships, and to become more socially and politically informed through regular reading of various news and activist outlets
5) I did not put as much effort and planning as I could have into my lesson plans for my kids at school - I allowed myself to get unbalanced with my focus on my master's program over my teaching job

Goals for 2009
1) To focus on small, in-the-moment choices - to not let one regretable decision, splurge or treat become a free-for-all for the rest of the day, week, or until the next nice, round event (New Year, birthday, post-holiday, etc.); to realize that each moment is a chance to start anew - I don't need to wait for an excuse to 'start over'; that I am never 'off plan' - this is a lifestyle change for me and I am not giving up my goal of having a healthy lifestyle - a healthy lifestyle can and must accomodate imperfections.
2) Regardless of the number on the scale or the size of my jeans to keep working towards becoming thinner (until a healthy weight), healthier, more athletic, and more aware of and responsive to my bodies needs. I hope that this means I reach my goal of 115 pounds because I think this is what will be right for my frame, but it might not and I'm okay with that. It's more important to me to do something active every day - even if it's a 10 minute abs workout or a walk around the block - just to stay in the habit. And it's more important to make healthy food-related choices. For me this means trying to eat whole, unprocessed, organic foods when possible; eating plenty of fruits and veggies; staying hydrated; eating healthy oils; getting enough protein in the form of beans, legumes and soy; taking a multi-vitamin/mineral; and eating whole grains. I also hope to try some more raw recipes, start sprouting more, and maybe if I can justify the expense (it's listed as my reward for dropping 50 pounds), buying a good quality juicer to help me with these goals.
3) To stay accountable by journaling here, logging my food/points in my WW Online Food Tracker, and/or journaling in a paper journal. I won't beat myself up over less-than-ideal choices, but I won't pretend they didn't happen either.
4) To do my best in my master's program by keeping a regular schedule of classwork, and not procrastinating or cutting corners.
5) I do best when I'm following a routine, so I'd like to set up and stick to a routine for my personal maintenance/hygiene, house maintenance/cleaning, exercise, classwork-time, job/school planning, and me-time.
6) To connect with old friends and strengthen connections with friends I've been lucky enough not to lose touch with
7) I have a great relationship with Ryan - nothing's wrong - but I don't want to take that for granted. This year I want to be careful and mindful of carving out us-time and not letting connecting with and spending meaningful time with him fall to the bottom of the list of my priorities because we're both busy and it's easy to focus on other things that seem more pressing.
8) I want to be more crafty. I'm so busy with work and school that I never pursue this goal, but how hard would it be to carve out half an hour a couple times a week to knit a few rows or learn a beading pattern? Not that hard and I'd be so happy if this time next year I could say that I had a skill, that I had made some of my Christmas gifts, that I had made progress on learning one of the things I hope to be able to share with and pass down to my future children.
9) To read for myself, and not just for work and school. I have soooo many books piled up on my bookshelves that I haven't read, and I want to start to make a dent in that. Sometimes I have a bad habit of not starting on something (a book, a project, a phone call, whatever...) because I'm not sure I'll have enough time to finish it. But, so what? If I just make a little time here and there, that has to be better than nothing. Last night I pulled a book, The Seven Daughters of Eve from my shelf and started reading before bed. It didn't take that long, it was a great way to wind down from the day, and I got through the first chapter. Definitely a simple way to enrich my life.

Phew! I think that's all for now. I can't wait to get started!

Just checking in

2008-12-30T10:55:00.003-06:00

I didn't post my weigh-in on Saturday because I was at my mom's house in Chicago and I think her scale is off - or mine is - anyway, I'm not exactly sure but there seems to be about a 4 pound difference. I did weigh, and the scale said 159, so that was probably 163 on my scale which would be a loss of .8 pounds. However, my eating hasn't been great since then, so I think I've pretty much stayed the same.
I haven't been binging which is huge for me, but I have had sweets and spinach artichoke dip and pizza...things like that. I have noticed that during a few stressful moments that happened to occur while I was eating, I stopped paying attention to my food, started eating much more quickly and mindlessly, and ate more than I otherwise would've. Definitely something I need to watch.
I'm not stressing about it. We got back home yesterday and have been busy trying to get the house together, run errands, unpack, reorganize and get ready for Ryan's family to come for a belated Christmas celebration this weekend.
Also - we bought a new TV! It should be here any minute along with the cable guy whose going to upgrade us to HD and DVR. We're really excited! I ordered a blu-ray player and Planet Earth (and some other stuff that came with it) on Blu-Ray. I can't wait to see how it looks!
We got a good deal, but it's still a huge expense. Our TV was from the 80s, so it was time, and with the digital tv signal switch coming up, it seemed like a good time. It's a 40" Sony KBR6 series. Hopefully we'll love it!

Christmas Eve journal

2008-12-24T22:10:00.003-06:00

Just a quick food journal update.
Last night I didn't eat any more after I posted except for the smallest bite of my favorite cookie that my mom makes - orange poppyseed.

Today, my stomach still feels like I'm not digesting my food well - like it's just sitting in my stomach - or really, it feels like it's sitting in my throat although obviously it's not. So I had a yogurt (Rachel's 1.5% fat pomegranate acai) for breakfast to see if that would help. Later I went out and got some probiotic supplements and I'm going to take those 3 times a day until I'm finished with the antibiotics.

Around lunchtime we went to Whole Foods to get some last minute things for Christmas, and we stopped at their deli. I got these sesame tofu spears and ate 2 of those, then I wound up sharing Ryan's tofu, brown rice (~1/2 cup) and veggies with peanut sauce. Yum. I also had 2 or 3 bites of his miso soup. I knew it would be good for my stomach, but it tasted too strongly like seaweed for me, so I didn't have much.

Later, I snacked on about 4 pieces of pistachio toffee (I'd say each piece is a little over 1 square inch), had maybe 2 orange poppyseed cookies and some small tastes of candycane cookies when I was testing to see if they were finished (probably a total of a quarter-sized piece - I don't even like those cookies and I swear there's no almond extract in them even though my mom insists she put it in). I also had several (maybe 10?) small brown rice crackers (those little, thin crisps).
For dinner I had a salad with oil and red wine vinegar and 1 latke with about a tablespoon of sour cream and some natural applesauce (no sugar added).

Tomorrow's Christmas! I don't think my stomach will let me overdo it - I'm just going to keep tracking but not counting points until I get back home from Chicago.

goodbye to Linus

2008-12-23T17:44:00.004-06:00

My sweet angel-cat, Linus died yesterday. He was 15. We were on our way to Chicago when he passed around 11 aM. We didn't get in until 8 PM, so we didn't get to kiss him goodbye. It's very sad and I'll miss him a lot, but I'm glad he went quickly once he got really sick. Sometimes cats will just hang on much longer than you think they possibly could, and it's so painful to watch. Linus had surgery to remove a tumor in the spring, and we think it came back. He started losing weight and getting jaundiced and was gone that same week. Poor baby - he was so loved.
When my dad died in summer of 2007 I made a photo album of him and that was very healing for me to make and for everyone to look through - maybe I'll do that for Linus too.

As for my food journaling...let's see...
Monday I had a Van's wheat free waffle (plain) for breakfast
On the 10 hour ride up to Chicago, we stopped at a Panera and I got the "You-Pick-Two" with half a greek salad (no olives) and half a mediteranean veggie sandwich and chips. I got an asiago bagel to go and ate that in the car a few hours later.
I also had an apple.
When we got to Chicago I wasn't really hungry. I just had 1 bite of Ryan's veggie lasagna and a half glass of white wine. I haven't figured out points and don't know if I plan to this week.

Today, so far, I had a Clementine at breakfast, a bite of a gingerbread cookie waiting in line at the bakery, and a salad and slice of deep dish pizza this afternoon. I feel like I'm not digesting very well, so even though I'm not hungry I just ate a yogurt to see if that helps (I'm worried it's from the antibiotics, so yogurt might counter that a bit). I'm not going to have dinner tonight. I'm making cookies with my mom, so I'll post later if I snack.

Off to Chicago

2008-12-22T07:05:00.003-06:00

I haven't been tracking my food the past two days. Saturday I watched what I ate, but I didn't count points because I had so many left over from the week I knew I'd be fine. Saturdays are the last day of my WW week. And Yesterday I got involved in a wrapping project and didn't even think of tracking points. I had 2 slices (small) of leftover pizza for breakfast, potato latkes at lunch and then again later (total of 5 with apple sauce and sour cream). I had sherbet with a square of dark chocolate, a funsize mint 3 musketeers bar and...I can't remember what else. I didn't have much else to eat (latkes are filling!) but I want to track it. Darn it! This is why I need to write everything down the same day.

Anyway, yesterday I got up at 6:30 and spent 2 hours in Walmart trying to figure out what options I had for wrapping presents. I have guilt about throwing away HUGE quantities of paper (I read that this is mostly responsible for a 25% increase in trash around the holidays) and wanted the most recycled, recyclable and reusable materials I could find - but I still wanted it to be fun and cute. I decided to use just plain 100% recycled brown shipping paper and to decorate it with pretty satin and wired ribbon (potentially reusable). Then I came across these Martha Stewart pom pom animal kits and that's where my day went. I made 16 animals out of felt and pom poms - farm animals, forest animals, birds and bugs (cute ones). So I'm going to incorporate those, my family will think I'm crazy and they'll probably be right, but it'll be fun for me.

Right now we're getting ready to leave for Chicago for a week. It'll be cold today and there's snow on the ground with more coming tomorrow. So Ryan will get to see Chicago snow, which I'm happy about. But it looks like it's going to warm up and rain before Christmas, so - no white Christmas :( Too bad.

We're hoping to get out of town by 9 and that should get us to Chicago by 7 tonight. I'll bring my notebook journal and track food and exercise. I'm hoping to get on my mom's treadmill tonight. And on that note, I'm going to put a few of my new workout song selections on a cd and get in the shower.
Oh! By the way - I took 3 classes and got 2 As and one pass (in a pass/fail class) this semester. Yay! I'm still hoping to receive feedback on my final papers, but I'm happy for now.

Weigh-Day

2008-12-20T07:15:00.003-06:00

I lost 1.4 pounds during this week of strep throat and not being able to swallow much (averaging somewhere around 15 points a day). I was a little disappointed, but I guess it's true - you lose by eating all your points and exercising, not by starving and lying around like a slug in bed. (Although let me just say that if Ryan lost again by eating beer, ice cream, salty snacks, tons of cookies and basically whatever else he feels like putting in his mouth on a whim - I may scream!)

I did hit 2 sort of milestones, though. I now have less than 50 pounds to lose which is of psychological importance to me, I guess. And I am exactly 20% of the way toward my goal weight.

I'm off to get ready to brave Nashville to get my hair cut and colored on the last shopping weekend before Christmas. On the bright side, I'll have nice hair and finished shopping (mostly) after today. AND this will be a good test for my crowds/traffic induced anxiety. Yay! Fun! Right? (Ug)

Winter Break

2008-12-19T21:05:00.003-06:00

Today was the last day of school before 2 weeks of winter break. About a week of that will be filled with holiday stuff and traveling, but we're going to try to make the most of the little time that we do have at home. We made a list of things we'd like to check out around town - since we've lived here we've done little but go to work and school and haven't given our little town much of a chance...so we're going to try to have fun locally as much as we can. I think breaks are so much less rejuvenating and they go by so much more quickly if they're not filled with fun, new activities. If we just sit around and watch movies and do the same old, same old, then break will fly by and we won't know where it went. In the past I've sat out of a lot of opportunities to try new things because of my body image. My body image is no better now, and my weight is actually much higher than most of those times in the past, but I'm just not going to do that anymore...er...I'm going to TRY not to. I want to be productive - review school stuff, do my lesson plans, keep the house clean, stay on the healthy eating and exercise plan...But also try new things and have fun. That's the goal. We'll go hiking in some parks we've never been to, visit local shops, maybe go out to hear some music, try some new recipes, whatever seems good at the time.

I think I'm going to finish Christmas shopping tomorrow. We went to a local winery we'd never been to before today and got some gorgeous pottery and a few bottles of wine for some gifts. We also went to a local jewelry shop that had amazing stuff and got a few more things. Most of our shopping was done online and shipped to Chicago where we're spending Christmas. Tomorrow we need to get some truffles at a local Nashville chocolate shop we love (The Cocoa Tree), and a few other miscellaneous things. But we've definitely got it all under control. Ryan and I are going pretty small with each other because we want to buy a flat screen TV. My mom is very generously helping us pay for it, but it's still going to be an expense for us. I hope he won't be disappointed with what I got him. I'm not going to say any more about specifics in case he reads this and I don't know it :)

So - I'm feeling much better today. I woke up this morning and swallowed! That may not seem like a big deal, but when you've spent the week feeling like you have a slimey pine cone lodged in your throat, swallowing relatively pain free is pretty awesome! I still didn't eat much compared to normal and didn't exercise. I'm hoping to feel all back to normal sometime this weekend and get back on a normal eating/exercise schedule.

I didn't have breakfast, again.
For lunch (quick bite as we ran out the door to the winery) I had 3 light Wasa crackers with red pepper hummus. (2 points)
At the winery I had 2 tiny nibbles of cheese and several small sips of wine - it maybe added up to half a serving (1.5 points)
On the way back I ate 1/2 a peanut chocolate chip Odwalla bar (2.5 points)
While I was waiting for dinner I had ~5 sweet potato fries (1 point)
For dinner I had 3 vegetarian meat balls with 1 tbsp. of pesto, a cup of butternut squash soup and 2 slices of rosemary olive oil bread with 1 tsp. olive oil and a sprinkling of nutritional yeast. (9.5 points)
When I entered my points into the online WW tracker and realized I'd had NO fruit or vegetables all day (besides the fries and soup), I had about a cup of raw red cabbage and about 6 baby carrots (.5 points). I've been really low on the GHGs this week - mostly because I've been sick and haven't been eating that much. I'm definitely going to watch that this weekend now that my throat feels better.

feeling a bit better

2008-12-18T21:49:00.003-06:00

I had to stay home from work today, and I know I had a fever overnight, but I don't think I've had one since morning. I took my temp and it read 96, so I think what that actually tells me is that my thermometer needs a new battery....but I haven't felt feverish and the pain in my throat is a little less. I think the shot they gave me at the doctor's office really did speed up my recovery time.

I ate more today - still no appetite early.
For lunch I had 1/2 c. brown rice, about 1 c. of steamed veggies, 2 1/2 boiled vegetable dumplings and 1 tbsp. of Soy Vey teriyaki sauce (7 points)
For dinner I had about a cup (cooked) of whole wheat rotini, red sauce, and these vegetarian meat ball things with broccoli and 1 tbsp. of parmesan (6.5 points)
Somewhere in the day I had another ginger brew (3 points)
Total = 16.5 points
No exercise - still don't feel up to it. Maybe something light tomorrow.

I have a little bit of heartburn now - it's either from the red sauce or because I ate so little Tuesday and Wednesday, that even though today was still really light on the points, it's more than my stomach's used to right now. The label on my antibiotics says I can't take antacids with them - oh well.
I'm going to work in the morning for 2 hours - school gets out at 10 AM (don't ask me why they bother); doctor's appointment at 10:30 - just a checkup I'd already had scheduled before I got sick and that my Dr. wanted me to keep even though I was there yesterday...whatever.

And then it's 2 weeks of winter break! We're trying to figure out the best day to drive up to Chicago and not hit snow or ice. I'm looking forward to it because I get to see my family, but am also dreading it a little because my cat is really sick and this is a goodbye trip too. :( He's THE sweetest little angel in the world and I love him so much and I just can't stand to see him feel bad. Man...it really stinks when pets are sick.

points update

2008-12-17T22:30:00.002-06:00

today I skipped breakfast
I had a cup of cashew carrot ginger soup, a ginger brew and 4 wheat saltines for lunch (6 points)
I had a snack of rainbow sherbet (2 points)
And for dinner I had parmesan risotto and sweet potato fries - good and mushy for my throat (5.5 points)

Strep

2008-12-17T16:01:00.003-06:00

I tried to go into work this morning. I check my temp when I woke up at 6 and it was normal, so I thought I'd give it a shot. I can't stand missing so much work. Especially this week when I have gifts and holiday activities planned for the kids...it's their Christmas program...
I went to the doctor over lunch and my fever was back - they did a throat culture, and it's strep. I got an antibiotic shot to speed up the recovery time, but the earliest I can go back to work is Friday and that's only if I don't have a fever for 24 hours before.
On the bright side, all this not eating means I was only .2 pounds more at the doctor's office than last time, but that's just because I haven't been able to eat much - and that kind of weight loss isn't necessarily permanent I've learned.

Anyway...still not exercising, not eating much more than soup and gingerale...don't know points yet for today. Yesterday I skipped breakfast, had gingerale, potato leek soup and wheat saltines for lunch. I was feeling better briefly later and had some noodles with broccoli and olive oil for dinner. 12 points total.

I'm off to rest.

sick and miserable

2008-12-16T22:51:00.002-06:00

Ug...I don't know what I have, but I'm not a happy camper. I had a really bad sore throat after school Monday and by early evening I was shivering really violently - so of course that turned into a fever.
I couldn't make it into work today. I couldn't get my fever down below 101 with ibuprofen. It finally went down when I took Tylenol this evening, but now it's back.
I'm going to try to go in to work in the morning and then leave for a doctor's appointment and come back. We'll see though...
Not exercising
Not eating much
Blech...

Weekends are tough!

2008-12-14T21:05:00.002-06:00

Today I didn't get out to the park for my Sunday walk/jog in time to be back before noon football, so I had to push it to this afternoon. That's always dangerous for me. I don't like working out after I've eaten, so if I don't do it in the morning, it's hard for me to get motivated later. But I'm determined. So I stuck with it and got out for 1 of the 2 planned laps - a total of a little more than half an hour and ~4100 steps. I did my Denise Austin abs in the morning. So that's 43 minutes of exercise today - the 5th day in a row. Not bad!

Food today looked like this
Didn't eat until 11, so it wasn't really breakfast, but I had 2 clementines, 9 cashews and 3 Wasa light crackers with red pepper hummus (5 points)
Lunch - leftover vegetarian shepherd's pie and raw red cabbage (8 points)
Snack - apple with 2 tbsp organic crunchy peanut butter (6 points); later - light string cheese (1 point)
Dinner - 1 c. Wolfgang Puck hearty vegetable soup, 2 slices Ezekiel sesame toast with 2 tsp. olive oil, garlic powder and 1 tbsp. nutritional yeast (7 points)
Dessert - 1/2 c. vanilla bean ice cream, 4 squares Green & Black's chocolate and 3 mini candy canes crushed on the ice cream (6.5 points)

Total = 33.5 points - used all of my daily points plus 12.5 of my WPs; earned 3 APs

Again, I had the middle of the day cravings. They weren't there in the morning - I haven't had them for hours now...I just don't know what it is about me and the afternoon.

I have a busy week coming up. Finals are over, but I have a lot to catch up on at work. I'm being observed on Tuesday and before then I have to do a bunch of lessons and paperwork (this big form about my strengths and weaknesses and what I want to work on this year, a pre-observation form, etc...)
We have our work Christmas party Thursday evening and the kids have their program that day too. I'm going to do my holiday fun stuff with them on Wednesday and Friday is a half day before winter break. So Monday and Tuesday are the only days I can hope to get any work done with the kids. Since Ryan and I are going to Chicago for the holidays with my family, we're still trying to figure out when we can celebrate with his family. We want to do it the weekend after New Years so that we have time to shop the after-Christmas sales in Chicago, plan some fun raw recipes and decorate the house. His mom wants to come up this next weekend. She said she doesn't know what her plans are yet for the weekend we want to have them, so she'll get back to me sometime this week to let me know if they're coming. Now...I love his family, but my family and I are just much bigger on the whole planning ahead thing. So if they might be coming this weekend, that means I have to plan as if they are, otherwise I'll freak out if they tell me the day before....ug....

So this week should be busy but fun. I'm just going to try to stay positive, think about small momentary decisions and have fun. I'm hoping to lose at least 2 1/2 pounds this week. I'm not going to plan to lose over Christmas, so I want to try extra hard this week to get a jump on it.

Oh for heaven's......Rod Blagojevich just hired R. Kelly's lawyer. I'm so embarrassed to be from Chicago...honestly...what an idiot! I heard Jessee Jackson Jr. speak once and loved him instantly. I really hope he's innocent in all this.

rachelshealthquest.blogspot.com

2008-12-14T10:41:00.001-06:00

finishing 1st restart week strong

2008-12-13T23:01:00.003-06:00

Meals today:
Van's wheat free flax waffle and Horizon low-fat strawberry yogurt for breakfast (5 points)
veggie burger with double-fiber buns, fake bacon and 2% cheddar cheese and rosemary, garlic and olive oil fries for lunch (12 points)
1/2 cup vanilla bean ice cream with 1/3 serving Green & Black's dark chocolate and 2 crushed mini-candy canes for snack (6.5 points)
8 cashews and a clementine for a 2nd snack (2.5 points)
1 cup whole wheat spaghetti and pasta sauce with red peppers and gimme lean crumbled in it plus 1 cup steamed broccoli with lemon and 1 tbsp. parmesan for dinner (5.5 points)
Mint 3 musketeers for dessert (3 points)
34.5 total points

I used all my WPs this week, but had 11 APs left over. I'm a big eater, so I'll probably always use all my WPs and most of my APs. I'm only 5'3", so when I get close to my goal weight of 115, I'll only have 17 daily points and there's no way I can eat that little. Luckily I like to work out.

Workout: I'm trying to make Saturday my weight lifting day. I'm never motivated to do weight lifting after my aerobic workouts during the week, so it's best I get it over with on a day when I don't have to be anywhere. I was at the gym for 80 minutes, but I never know how to count weight lifting for APs, so I counted 60 min. I did biceps curls; shoulder –overhead presses; front raises and lateral raises, triceps – pull down and dips, chest - fly and press, back - row and pull-down, legs – abduction, adduction, curls, extension, press and calf press.
Plus the house is clean. So, that's 4 consecutive days I feel good about.

Ryan and I are going to Chicago to see my family for Christmas. We want to see his family here in Tennessee too, but it's a lot of driving for us, so we're trying to get them to come to our house. We're thinking of trying out some raw recipes. I have the Charlie Trotter's Raw book and Juliano's too. It seems like it takes a lot of prep, but could be worth it. Maybe we'll just try some raw crackers, cheese and maybe an appetizer like hummus with sprouted chick peas. The Charlie Trotters book has this thai noodles dish in which young coconuts take the place of noodles. It sounds fantastic, but where would I get young coconuts?!

Weigh-Day

2008-12-13T09:27:00.004-06:00

I just weighed in and updated my weight-related stats in my stats section and my tracker which lives at the bottom of this page.
Weight is 165.2 - that's a loss of 1.6 from last week. Since last weigh-in I had 4 days not-tracking at all or being sensible about food at all, 3 days tracking and feeling good about my choices and 4 days of exercise, so I'm happy with a small loss.

Goals for today are to keep focusing on making the right choices in the small moments and not obsess about the big plan or being perfect, to do my weight-lifting at the gym, to do some work and clean some more.

I caught myself, while I was making my tea a little bit ago, starting to calculate "if I lose this much per week, that means this much per month, and I can be at ___ by then and maybe ___ by then...." and then I stopped it, because all that's ever done for me is provide maybe a momentary bit of something like dreamy euphoria and make it sooo much harder to see that 1) my life is only the sum of small, daily choices; 2) I'm in this to change my lifestyle, not obsess about numbers; and 3) to accept myself when my choices are not 100% perfect.

Holding Steady

2008-12-12T22:44:00.005-06:00

Well - 3 days down, how long to go until healthy choices feel natural and effortless? I remember hearing that it takes 2 weeks to make a new habit stick, but I've been 'on plan' for 2 weeks plenty of times in the past and...here I am...still battling. I guess it will always take effort, but maybe less and less?

I did fine today, but I had to battle hard through some tough cravings. I had a Van's wheat free flax waffle with a small banana and 12 almonds chopped up on top for breakfast (5.5 points). As always, I felt good after breakfast. I got a bunch of cleaning done - no cravings. I did a Denise Austin yoga abs 10 minute workout.
Then I had a great zucchini and garlic stir fry that Ryan made with that Soy Vey island teriyaki sauce and thai peanut baked tofu and 3 steamed veggie pot stickers for lunch (12.5 points). Kinda big lunch, but pretty healthy. Cravings started pretty much right away after I finished eating. I tried to focus on them - decode them. Part of me thought I was still hungry, and part of me couldn't tell what I was feeling. I knew where the feeling was - stomach area - but I didn't know what it was. It was a little disconcerting to honestly not know if I was hungry or not.

So, I drank an Emergen-C, snacked on 8 cashews (2.5 points), chewed some gum and did a little more cleaning. When I didn't feel better after an hour, I took a 45 minute nap, then got up and went out for a 50 min. walk with Ryan right away (because we were losing sunlight). And then I felt great! Stalling snacking is really important for me. If I give into the cravings there will be a snowball effect. If I can just put them off I usually do okay. Distractions (sometimes being unconscious for 45 minutes!) are key.

I had Ryan's shepherd's pie again for dinner and a salad with olive and flaxseed oils (1 tsp. each) and a tbsp. of balsamic vinegar (10 points). For dessert I had a cup of hot cocoa with 3 mini candy canes (4 points) while we watched Polar Express (which I really did not enjoy all that much surprisingly). The cocoa was a little too heavy for me, so I think if I make it again I might use 1/2 a package.
I wound up eating 34.5 points (My daily is 21). I hit all my Good Health Guidelines except for the dairy. I used 13.5 WPs. Tomorrow is the last day of my WW week and I still have 9.5 WPs, and after I work out tomorrow I should have 14 APs, so there's no way I'll go over. Tomorrow's weigh day. I'll check in with the progress. I don't care what the number is as long as it's down from last week's 166.8

early Friday update

2008-12-12T08:39:00.005-06:00

I know I'm blogging a lot and I'm blogging loooong, but I'm using it as a potentially more public journal (although I'm too new and too newly not-private for anyone to probably be reading this...) & it's helping me, so I'm going with it.
I woke up for the 2nd morning in a row feeling pretty energetic - I think that's from limiting the sugar intake - I think my body hates being overloaded with sugar so much that I would need 12+ hours to 'sleep it off' - literally like a hangover. And it's been setting me up for bad day binge after bad day binge. I'd eat bad, feel to stuffed to exercise, feel guilty about not exercising, get discouraged and want to zone out watching tv, not get my work done, feel guilty about not getting my work done, eat more bad foods, sleep, wake up exhausted and start the day too tired to exercise or fight to make the good choices (tired = bad cravings, for me). So now, I fought HARD to break that cycle on Wednesday and woke up feeling better Thursday. I fought hard again to focus on the small moments and make good choices on Thursday and woke up feeling even better today. I wanted to get a little kick in the pants to keep the momentum going today, so I got up and weighed myself and I've lost a pound in the 2 days I've been having success so far. Yay! Now I'm going to put on happy music and clean the house.

No Excuses

2008-12-11T22:15:00.006-06:00

Wow! I actually had two good days in a row. It's very exciting to write 'good days' in my labels.
I can't believe how quickly I can change from feeling just horrible and humiliated and dejected to feeling pretty proud and confident. It's like - once I find that place where I get back on track (literally, I feel like a train that went off the track....and just got scooted back on for a smooth ride) I just snap out of it. I feel like, when I'm not on plan, there's this frantic energy...guilt, food obsession, saddness, humiliation, hopelessness, anxiety...all wrapped up in a depressing ball. When I manage to focus on the small decisions and just build my confidence back up - it's like that melts away...Good stuff!
Yesterday was rough - I was sooo exhausted, I got sidetracked several times, and I got upset by getting sent one of those obnoxious 'we say Merry CHRISTmas e-mails' at work**(see my rant below if you care to), but didn't use it as an excuse not to exercise or to get off plan. Today I was so sore from my workout yesterday. I felt like I had cramps and my arches of my feet were killing me. But I put in my old Step Reebok workout and did all 45 miserable minutes of it. (I DO like exercise, but it's freaking hard! Too many lunges!). I struggled and wanted to quit the whole time, and a few times I had to take a break to gulp water and stagger around the house gasping for air, but I got back on that darned step every time and felt great when it was over.
I didn't have many cravings today either. I ate an apple at breakfast, an Amy's tamale pie frozen thing (only 2 points!) at lunch, a Choco-walla Odwalla meal replacement bar for snack, Ryan's awesome shepherd's pie for dinner (fresh green beans, fresh corn, tofu, potatoes, asiago/parmesan/romano cheese blend baked on top). Yum! A chunk of raw red cabbage (I know, I'm weird - I could almost always eat red cabbage or broccoli...or chocolate). And then I had 1 1/2 Dove miniatures and a small square of Green and Black's dark chocolate for dessert. I recorded it all and wound up with .5 points left to spare :) I didn't even have to dip into my APs or WPs. Good, good day.

Oh! And! I just looked out the window and there's snow on the ground! Good because I love and miss snow. Good because I get a snow day to clean my house, do some reading, sleep and work out tomorrow. Not so good because I really wanted to finish some projects up with my kids at school. Not so good because some of the kids were supposed to get to go see a middle school production of The Nutcracker tomorrow. But...hey....I'm sure they're alright with the trade-off. I won't feel too bad for them :)

WARNING: VERY GROUCHY 'WE SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS'-EMAIL RANT...getting it off my chest....
**I just don't see that issue as being about faith - #1 - it's very divisive and confrontational, #2 - I kind of see there as being 2 Christmases - there's the religious Christmas and the commercial Christmas. They're not the same - lots of secular people 'celebrate' the commercial version just as an American cultural tradition, and the religious version means a lot to a lot of people...so I just think the whole argument about one corporation saying 'Merry Christmas' and another carrying stock for Kwanzaa and Hannukah and saying 'Happy Holidays' is less about religion than consumerism...and why (as this email said) does government not publicly favoring one religion over another 'take away our faith' (that's absurd! faith is personal...) and why do you feel that words like 'inclusive, sensitive and diversity' are "used to intimidate' you?! A lot of people dismiss those terms as PC b.s. but I take them very much to heart. As a teacher, the last thing I would ever want is any child to feel at all outcast or singled out because their personal, home-life/religion is not the majority and is therefore completely shunned. I think religion should be taught at home and at church and diversity taught at school. Schools shouldn't (and in my experiences, don't) prevent religious practice. Silent time is allowed for prayer...But, we shouldn't be seen as 'sponsoring' one group's faith. When I was in Chicago, I felt everyone was represented. Now, in the Bible Belt, it's all Santa and the music teacher even has a bulletin board up with a manger scene and a quote saying "Unto us a child is born". This would never fly if the school wasn't majority Christian. I really think it's inappropriate. We should cover holidays as cultural study and use the season as our focus. Everything doesn't have to be Santa and Christmas trees...there's so much we could do with just winter as a theme. For example, I have decorations up in my classroom - there's a Santa and reindeer window cling, and Christmas stocking garland, but there's also Hannukah garland and most of the stuff is neutral (snowflakes, snowmen, Nutcracker, penguin....kids love it...they don't need me to push religious content on them...I've seen Jehovas Witness children stay out of school around holidays like Halloween and Christmas because the schoolday is so overwhelmed with this stuff...it just makes me sad)
#3 WHY was I sent this in my work email? Talk about inappropriate. #4 - The person who sent this to me is a fellow ESL teacher - someone who should really take to heart the effects that subtle instances of hegemony can have on the psyche of minorities....anyway...this issue just pushes my buttons...just one of those things, I guess. Arg!

beating the afternoon slump

2008-12-10T20:29:00.006-06:00

I decided that since I keep falling apart healthy lifestyle-wise in the afternoon that I should pay really close attention to what was happening in my mind and see if I could just focus on small moment to moment choices to beat the PM cravings, and then write it all down to see if that would help me in the future.
I noticed that I started to feel the first hints of cravings pretty early. I finished my lunch -Amy's black eyed peas, rice and veggie bowl and I wasn't hungry, but I was craving something sweet.
I had classes to teach all afternoon, of course, so I didn't have any opportunity to run out and get snacks. I decided that I was going to exercise when I got home. Iniside my head I was thinking 'but I'm so tiiiiiired' and 'I dont' waaaaaanna' (whine whine).

Earlier I posted today about being motivated by health scares, my upcoming Dr.'s appointment and Christmas with my family. And I have to say...when I was feeling iffy about exercise and wanted to just stop and get a bag of M&Ms or something equally unhelpful, my health didn't seem like a big motivator (it's so intangible...seems like I could 'start tomorrow' and that wouldn't make a big difference), and if it was just the idea of being fat when I see my family, that's nothing new and I don't know that it would've helped me push through either. But the idea of seeing my doctor having gained the weight I'd lost really pushed me. Maybe because she's not a friend or family member...I don't know. Maybe it's because it goes on my patient file...my 'PERMANENT RECORD'. Ah! But the part of my brain that kept reminding me about that appointment seemed to work.

When I got home, I wanted to take a nap, but I knew when I woke up I'd need to eat and then I wouldn't be able to work out for a while...which means I probably wouldn't at all. So I changed into my workout clothes. Then Ryan came home and he wanted to return our movies from Blockbuster online to the store to exchange them for others. He just finished finals today and needed a break. I hadn't finished watching one of them, so instead of working out right way I told him we could finish watching it together. We did and half an hour later, I really didn't feel like working out.

I didn't give up though - the voice in my head kept nagging and yelling.
I argued back that I would just put on music and clean the house - trying to convince myself that that would be enough activity. But I knew it wasn't really the goal Id' set, so I compromised (with myself) and put the music on while I jumped rope. Jump roping is hard! I went in spurts (jumping then walking and dancing) for 15 minutes and then my mom called. We talked for almost an hour and normally I'd give up my exercise after getting sidetracked that long, but I didn't. I went for 15 minutes more, then did a 10 minute abs workout, entered the update on my exercise ticker, and felt really good about it. I like to see my little runner move on down the street.

I had a healthy dinner - butternut squash soup, broccoli with lemon and 1 tbsp. cheese and a slice of Great Harvest Dakota bread (the multi-grain kind with seeds), some olive oil and nutritional yeast. I had ice cream for dessert, but I feel okay about that because it was a reasonable portion and it was at dessert-time - not a binge - not all day. Baby steps.
I could've had more...I could always have more Ben & Jerry's Karamel Sutra. But I decided to chew a stick of gum instead. Problem solved.
And now I feel satisfied and proud of myself. I think I can build on this little bit of momentum.
And I think blogging about it will help me, when I look back on it, to know that it's possible to push through cravings and to make good choices - that I really will be glad at the end of the day.

I also logged onto my Weight Watchers account for the first time in a few weeks and entered my weight from last Saturday. I entered my points and activity. In addition to my lunch and dinner (above) I had a package (2 bars) of Nature's Valley peanut butter granola bars. And I had a bit of roasted red pepper hummus and Lite Wasa crackers (6) while watching the movie.
All in all not too bad. I'm allowed 21 points per day. I added 4 activity points and ate 33 points. (that 'reasonably sized' dessert was 11.5 points...I don't even want to know how many points what I would normally eat would add up to....yeah.....not good) So I dipped into 8 of my weekly points. I don't care. I tracked. I was honest. I tried. I feel alright.

Feeling motivated

2008-12-10T08:10:00.003-06:00

I'm not going to pretend my eating was great yesterday - again I slipped up in the afternoon with chips and had ice cream after dinner. And dinner was leftover Indian take-out.
I was too exhausted to exercise. I'd only had a total of 8 hours of sleep over the previous two nights, so I tried to catch up last night, and I'll make another attempt at exercise today.

I'm trying to make some changes to my blog. I keep seeing all these great looking 3-column blogs and I want one too! So I poked around online and found a site that gives step-by-step instructions for changing the html to make a 2-column blog a 3-column one. Step-by-step is important for me because I know nothing about the matter. Anyway...I like the colors and the proportions, but I lost the picture that was behind my header and I can't get my gadgets to appear in the left column on the white background. Green's okay - not white. So I'm going to work at that some more when I have time. And by 'work at' I mean browse the internet looking for sites that can give me step by step instructions how to fix it.

I'm feeling particularly motivated today for a few reasons. I realize I have a doctor's appointment next week, and I will be sooo embarassed if I weigh much more than I did last time I was there in October. Last time I had lost 14 pounds from 176 to 162. Now I'm bordering on 167 and that's on my bathroom scale first thing in the morning without clothes! So...I realize 10 days isn't much time to fix the damage, but I certainly don't want to make it any worse. Secondly, Christmas is right around the corner and last time I was 'home' in Chicago over fall break in October I was doing really well. I had lost 18 pounds. Come to think of it, that's where I got OFF track. So - it's pretty much the same thing as the doctor's appointment - it just feels back to see someone while you're in a rut, when the last time they saw me I was at such a high point.
And third, I'm really starting to FEEL the weight. The past few weeks, I knew the scale was moving in the wrong direction, but I didn't feel terrible. This week my pants are tighter, my left knee is getting sore again, and last night I woke up pouring sweat with my heart pounding. I don't remember having any nightmares, so that freaks me out. I don't want to ruin my health.

Finished with Finals! Finally!

2008-12-09T08:48:00.003-06:00

Wow - I'm seriously exhausted, but I'm finished! I worked all through the weekend and all day yesterday. I slept about 5 hours Sunday night and 3 1/2 last night, and I'm definitely one who needs the 8 hours of sleep, so I'm wiped out, but soooo happy it's over.
I hope I get A's in all my classes. I worked really hard all semester, and especially on my History of Education final paper. I did that paper on the history of de jure and de facto segregation in the Chicago Public Schools since Brown v. Board of Ed.
I only started my paper for my other class (Issues in Cultural Studies) once I'd finished the first one (which was a research paper and much longer) yesterday. So...that one's not very good. It's on stereotypes of teachers in the media. I found 7 - there's probably more. 1) the cheerful and politically neutral nurturer, 2) the boring, droning, detached figure at the front of the classroom (Bueller....Bueller), 3) the morally superior schoolmarm, 4) the strict, cheerless schoolmaster (Ichabod Crane), 5) The grouchy, teachers’ lounge gossiper suffering from burnout (Mrs. Krabappel), 6) the charismatic and rebellious, savior/hero (soo many of these - Mr. Keating from Dead Poets Society is a good one), and 7) the perfect teacher who effortlessly plays all unfilled roles at all times for her students. I worked on it until I hit a wall around 3:30 AM and couldn't do anymore. So I submitted it. I'd have to get a D on the paper to not get an A in the class, so I'm not too worried, but...still...it's embarrassing to submit crap.

Sooo - in other news, Sunday was my big restart. That doesn't mean that everyday is going to be perfect or that I'm going to keep re-declaring restarts if I mess up, but it does mean that I'm going to weigh every week, always consider myself "on plan" and hold myself accountable by posting here. I set 2 goals for Sunday and Monday knowing I would be completely overwhelmed with finals. I wanted to exercise and finish my finals (as my way of managing stress). I did exercise on Sunday, but Monday there was no time. I plan to exercise after a nap this afternoon. Sunday I did step Cher aerobics and an abs workout.

My goals for today are to eat healthy foods, exercise, clean up at home and get to bed early.

Weigh-Day

2008-12-06T08:06:00.004-06:00

So - yesterday I got 7 1/2 hours of sleep, but I almost fell asleep at work when I didn't have any students. I almost fell asleep at my meeting after work. I tried to watch Princess Mononoke with Ryan and fell asleep. So I finally threw in the towel and went to bed at 8. And I just woke up at 7:30!!! Oh well - I guess I needed it.
I had missed my weigh in for the past 2 weeks. I weighed at 166.8 earlier in the week and that was what the scale said today. Not too great, but nothing more or less than what I expected.
Tomorrow is my official restart. I like to weigh on Saturday and start my week on Sunday.
So, I'm just going to focus on the positive until the restart.
I got PLENTY of sleep.
I didn't buy candy bars or do anything that could be considered bingey.
I got a little work done.
I stayed hydrated.
I...ummm....I think that's it.
Today I'm writing my final paper for my History of Education class ALL DAY. I can't wait until that's over!

Blech...still sliding

2008-12-05T07:32:00.003-06:00

I need to stop making promises when I post. It's getting annoying to read them back to myself.
So, Wednesday and Thursday both started really well in terms of diet. I had my yogurt, raspberry and Ezekiel cereal for breakfast both days and a big salad with healthy oils for lunch both days. Wednesday I had baked tofu on top, and Thursday I had garbanzo beans.
But I had not exercised the day before, I did not get enough sleep, and I did not get enough homework done to manage my stress level. So - I hit 1 out of 4 of my goals that are essential for having a successful day. Why on Earth would I be surprised that I slipped up?!?!
I get into trouble in the afternoon for some reason. I need to figure out why that is. I have no cravings the whole first half of the day even though, yesterday anyway, I was completely exhausted. I actually felt more energetic after noon, but by 3 I was buying M&Ms and Reese's Pieces at the grocery store. And Wednesday I was at Walmart picking up something else and wound up with a bag of mini Mint 3 Musketeers, marshmallows, a Hershey's bar and a bag of Smartfood popcorn. I ate a bunch, got disgusted with myself and threw the rest away.
But since I'm eating healthy in the AM and feeling more awake in the afternoon, I don't really think it's related to an energy dip. I'm not starving in the early part of the day....Hmmm....
I also don't have cravings at night - I feel really unwell if I eat within a few hours of bedtime. So I just need to do something about ~2-6PM and that should be fine. I'm going to look into this though. There has to be some reason I only fall apart in those hours. Maybe if I eat a healthy carb snack, go to the gym, get home and shower, make dinner and clean up, I can fill those hours and sidestep disaster. Maybe studying right after work is not good for me because study-time is prime snack-time as well. I guess I'll find out after finals, because right now I have no choice about when to study - study-time is all the time.
My goals for today are to get a lot of studying done and to not eat junkfood. That simple. I don't feel like I can manage anything more. I need to cut myself some slack but not completely fall apart until after finals are over on Monday. I feel completely confident that I'll have a better time getting back on track next week. We'll see though.

1st everyday post

2008-12-03T12:07:00.002-06:00

I don't know why I said I'd start posting everyday before going out of town for Thanksgiving. Now I'm back and ready to be accountable. Today, I didn't get enough sleep, I'm way behind on my final papers for school and super stressed out about it, and I haven't exercised yet, but my diet has been good so far.
I had plain, lowfat, organic yogurt with fresh raspberries and 1/2 cup of Ezekiel flax cereal for breakfast.
I just finished a big salad with baked tofu and my standard dressing (2 tsp. olive oil, 2 tsp. flax oil, 2 tbsp. vinegar, basil and black pepper).
I drank my tea in the morning - trying to stay hydrated.
I took my multi-vitamins.
So far so good.
I can't wait until next week when finals are over - I'll feel like it's a new start and a fresh chance to manage my schedule the way I want it to be, not the way it needs to be because I procrastinated.

I'm not giving up

2008-11-21T09:09:00.004-06:00

So...the week started out well on Sunday. I exercised both days of the weekend, I ironed and set out all my clothes for the week, I packed my lunch for Monday. But, I did NOT have anywhere near the amount of studying I needed to have done finished by the start of the workweek, and, as I knew it would, that placed a huge amount of stress on my shoulders and set me up for not enough sleep and too high anxiety to easily stay on top of my plan.

Monday through Wednesday I ate terribly (sugary things and a lot of Indian buffet on Monday), didn't sleep enough, worked non-stop for school and failed to exercise. I woke up in the middle of the night on Tuesday with my heart racing and covered with sweat. I don't remember having a nightmare. That, combined with my anxiety creeping steadily higher and an overall blech feeling caused me to start worrying about my health.

So, Thursday I recommitted myself to my goals and reminded myself about the reasons I need to be in control of eating, sleeping, exercise and stress - for long term health and happiness. I also reminded myself about some short term goals. When I saw my doctor October 21st, I had lost 14 pounds since the last appointment, and it felt really good to see that written on my chart and hear how proud my doctor was. I really want to see a few more pounds off when I go back in December.
Also, no matter what, on any occasion for family gathering, someone is going to say something about my weight - either asking if I've lost or making some sort of comment about how hard it is to lose weight with the intention of commiserating with me...empathizing or something...So that's not fun, but if my weight is going to get attention, I'd prefer that it's the former reason. Thanksgiving is next week, so I haven't given myself much of a chance to lose by then, but Christmas is almost 5 weeks away, so maybe I can lose 10 pounds and fit comfortably in my 14s by then. (I never thought 14s would be a goal size, but....anyway...that's where I am)

I had a good day yesterday with my food choices. I logged my diet. I got all my schoolwork done. I didn't exercise. On Thursdays I don't get home until 9:30 and there's just no time. I'm going to try again to stay on plan, log everything, exercise, stay on top of cleaning, sleep enough, pace myself with work, and post about it all every day. With the bad choices I mad Monday - Wednesday, I don't think I can expect to lose anything this week, but if I stay the same, that won't be too bad. I'm still 11 pounds down from when I started losing in July, and I'm determined not to let those 11 come back. That means I have just under 50 pounds to lose. A daunting task, but better than 61. I'm setting my birthday July 18th as my goal date.

I'll try to post tomorrow. I'm also trying to figure out how to post my before pictures and adjust the layout of by blog, but I'm not very tech savy, so no promises.

Ever hopeful

2008-11-15T08:30:00.000-06:00

This was really a terrible week for my diet. No exercise. Lots of peanut butter cups consumed. I had a pile of them and felt like I HAD to eat them. The strange thing is, I was sooo happy when I realized they were gone. Very relieved. I didn't really want them, I was just eating them compulsively. So...obviously that has to stop.
I wasn't good with my other goals either. The week was high stress. I slacked a little on sleep. Didn't keep up with chores. Crammed schoolwork in last-minute. I'm not going to beat myself up about it though. I think I just need to try to have a better day today and take it one day at a time.

Thank God I'm in the home stretch for school. I have a bunch of readings to catch up on that are due next week, but my last BIG projects are final papers due the first week in December. And then it'll be over!

I'm trying to decide what to do next semester. If I only take 1 class (which is what I feel is right for my health), I won't be able to finish in 2 years. That would be fine, except if Ryan graduates and decides not to attend the fast-track grad school program here, we'd be moving before I'd finish the program. So...I'll probably wind up taking 2 classes. If I stay ahead of things on schedule (and if professors give a week's notice for assignments), I should be okay...not great, but okay. Is there any tactful way to ask professors ahead of time if they are committed to giving at least a week's notice for readings and assignments and if they are in the habit of giving prompt feedback. In the 3 classes I have now, I don't have a single grade in one of the classes, very little informal feedback either...and the semester is almost over! In one of the classes I have feedback in the form of letter grades, but not responses to emails and direct questions about assignments. The 3rd class is pass/fail, so I'm not sweating it...but no concrete feedback there either. That just doesn't work for my personality style.

I've added a whole bunch of stats to my blog (over on the left). I'm going to take my measurements tomorrow because Sunday is the first day of my week on Weight Watchers. I don't know if I have any measurements from when I was 176. If I do, I'm not going to look for them this weekend.

So...I think I'm going to head off to the gym. I'm trying to make Saturdays my one big weight lifting day - when I do ALL the muscle groups. During the week, I'm just sooo unmotivated to do 2 things at the gym (aerobics & weights), and I think it's more important that the aerobics happen consistently through the week (I mean...I can't just do all my aerobics on Saturday...that would be at least 5 hours...)
Wish me luck!

Well...that went poorly

2008-11-04T06:39:00.000-06:00

So, Sunday I did okay. I slept enough Saturday night, I finished my assignments due Monday, I exercised - Ryan has a blister so we didn't go running, I just did my Cher step aerobics video in the living room :). But I didn't track my points after breakfast, and I don't remember everything I ate so I can't go back and do it now. I know I had a few leftover from Halloween mini M&M packages and I know I finished the last bit of coffee ice cream we had. So...not to great.

Monday was a disaster. I didn't get enough sleep Sunday night, and I really think that is a huge key for me. I just fall apart when I'm too tired. My kids and the other teachers all notice and ask what's wrong with my eyes and why they look so dark. (I don't know why, but I tend to get very dark circles...maybe it's my skin - but, anyway, lack of sleep shows up very obviously on my face). So, that was bad. I didn't get much accomplished in the way of schoolwork. I didn't exercise at all. I didn't track my points and I ate candy corn, junior mints AND a chocolate marshmallow type of thing. I did good on my water and I did eat 3 pretty nutritional meals in addition to the junk. Probably only 3 fruits/veggies though...that's not like me.

So, now it's Tuesday. Election anxiety day. I'm an Obama supporter in a red state, but I'm wearing my Obama shirt today anyways! I got very nearly 8 hours of sleep last night. I'm about to go do a quick abs workout. I'm packing my gym clothes so I can go to the gym after work. There are no kids at school today - just a teacher inservice, so there's a chance we'll get out early. And, I've already planned my meals which I'll post about later if I actually stick to it. (I know...great attitude). I'm going to try to take a nap when I get home because there's no way I'll be able to sleep until the election is called. So - here I go. Restart take 3!